Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[loouuiiee]

Oh Branka the relationship between you and your younger son sounds awful! His behavior towards you by trying to controlling your finances, wanting to see payslips, acting like he is looking out for you because he says he cares for you and is the 'man of the house', yelling, hitting furniture, being generally aggressive or prying, saying things purposely to insinuate that everything is your fault and making you question yourself and your own sanity are all things an ex-partner of mine did to me.

i was very young and couldn't afford to pay the rent on my own so I put up with his behavior for a long time, until I had a major mental breakdown. I don't mean to fighten you but beware how slowly it can creep up on you when someone starts to make you constantly feel guilty, worn out, and questioning yourself.please don't let your situation get any worse.

i wish I knew that the little things like the domination of my pay and where I could go/who I could see would lead me to become so controlled and scared of him that I became very mentally ill. get help from psychologists who can help with your questioning yourself and give you a realistic opinion of the situation (because the way we see things is often tainted by our love for the one hurting us). Please look after yourself xoxo

[Branka]

Hi Mathy

Thank you for your reply. It's really sweet that you wish I was your mum. I am 59 and quit this past July. Stress and anxiety made me pick it up again but I will try to quit when my situation changes.

At present my son is not talking to me which sadly suits me because it means we're not arguing. It means I have some peace and quiet. But this is not a healthy relationship. Mother and son should not be avoiding each other like this. Being given the silent treatment seems as bad as beind abused.

I found out through my other son that my youngest son and his wife have bought a house but have said nothing to me. I feel that my son is angry with me because I will not be contributing to his mortgage repayments. I have told him that I want to live on my own.

I have actually found a house to share with a divorced mother with whom I have alot in common. I hope to move in 2 weeks.

I love my son and truly wish him a great and happy life. I just hope we can work on our relationship and not drift further apart. I want to be a part of his life but not under present circumstances.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

I'm realy pleased for you that you have found somewhere else. Sharing sounds as if it might be pretty good idea.

I"m sure things will seem easier when the move takes place.

Please let us know how you are going

Croix

[Mathy]

Branka, I’m so pleased for you that you’ve found a place to share with someone that you feel you will get along with. Hopefully the cat is moving as well (please say yes).

A share place will be more affordable, given you’re worried about your work status and income. Some company will be good, after the last few weeks that you have endured, I’m wishing some happy conversations and laughter into your life, because you very much deserve that.

And, without your son around, well, a bit of space allows some perspective, perhaps that relationship can be regrown so that there is some trust in the future.

Sadly, my Mum was a lot like your son in her attitude towards her children. So, it’s not hard to admire you for your caring and sense of what’s ok/not ok.

Congrats for your move, I hope the next 2 weeks passes quickly and safely for you, cheers M 🙂

[Guest_5218]

Branka, I am much relieved to hear that you now have alternative accommodation to move into. Is there any reason why you cannot move in sooner than 2 weeks? Please keep us informed as to how things go.

Sherie xx

[Branka]

Hi to everyone

Thank you all for the care and friendship you have shown me. It's greatly appreciated. The share accommodation isn't going to work out. I will have find a place of my own(and have my cat with me).

My son is aware that I am looking for something to rent. He tells me I am just wasting money renting when I could be helping him pay off his house.

I am not sure what to do. I am still working on a casual basis even though I get plenty of work. But there may be days when I don't have work. Any suggestions?

Branka xxx

[Branka]

Hi Croix

Hope you are well. Here we go again. The 'honeymoon'period of verbal abuse behavior is over. I got home from the Doctor and my son started again. He called me names I can't mention here. He interrogated me about smoking like wanting to smell my fingers, check my bag and car. He yelled at me to get out of the house knowing full well that I have nowhere to go.

He keeps throwing the past in my face and telling me I'm constantly being deceptive as I have been ally life. Yes I have lied to him about things that didn't concern him or he didn't need to know. Maybe I shouldn't have. He said that his wife had alot of respect for me but now she is sick of my crap. That makes me feel really bad.

My son said he if I wasn't his mother in title he couldn't care less if I rotted in the gutter. I know he is angry with me for deciding not to live with him and help pay for his house. My other son said why don't I just stay in the house and continue renting when my youngest son moves out. I mentioned this and he said that I just want to leech of him. That's not how I intended it to appear. My son said that I need to struggle to look for another rental property.

Where did I go wrong in his upbringing? Does he remember all the love and affection I showered him with? The praise? Sacrifices I made? Maybe I don't deserve any respect and acknowledgement for the good things that I did. And now my daughter in law is sick of me. Great. What a life.

I should have stayed in Sydney but I just hoped that things would be better. I really wanted to help my son and his wife with their house. I thought it was the least I could do. And now I'm viewed as a failure and unable to make commitments.

Well so much for my anxiety and depression.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Pity about the share place, sounded OK, still I'd expect you can find somewhere else. If I had a choice (yes this is just me) I'd not want to stay in you son's house after he moved out, too many really horrible memories.

With hindsight you can say moving from Sydney was a mistake, however we can all do that. You had reasons that seemed pretty good at the time, unfortunately you are now suffering, not because of what you did but because your son is a horrible tyrant.

I'd not fret over your d-i-l's opinion of you, just remember she has to live with him, a life sentence, and is probably echoing his views to appease him.

No parent knows how their kids will turn out, and all parents seem to blame themselves and think the way they brought their children was the main cause when they turn out wrong. True upbringing is a lot of it, but two different kids can become very different adults anyway.

It is obvious from your words since you came here you are a sensible loving parent, and that's all there is to it.

About the only thing I'd like to mention right now is you appear somewhat stronger with a more realistic view of your son's attitude.

Good luck house-hunting

Croix

[Branka]

Hi Croix

I am having one of those bad days. I feel weepy and confused. My son keeps telling me to get out of the house but I have no where to go. I have left the house because I hate being there. He said that he never wants to see or talk to me again.

I understand my daughter in law's position. If she doesn't take his side he will only abuse her. I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment. The thought of sitting in my car all day is depressing. I don't know what to do or where to go.

Branka xxx

[Branka]

I have done it. I am in emergency housing (motel actually). Why do I feel so guilty and miserable. I can't stop crying. I feel like a pathetic human being.

I know I need to see this as a positive step but it all seems very overwhelming.

Is it normal to feel this way?

Branka xxx