Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[Mathy]

Hi Branka,

I’ve been reading your thread, and others have posted excellent advice. I’m pleased to see that you’re making steps to move out. You have a right to personal space, to be valued and respected as a mother/parent. Your Son is being abusive (not physically), but emotionally, which is just as bad, and equally not acceptable.

You are incredibly mentally and emotionally strong, and there is nothing wrong with your thinking. Your children are of an age where they don’t need “rocks”, they should be looking after themselves, and loving, respecting and supporting their Mum for all of the work she did in raising them.

Please look after yourself, I really hope you find the strength to move out, then you can create a different relationship with this son, hopefully for the better. Even better, you can create a beautiful space for yourself.

I’ll get back in my box now, and continue to read your thread, best wishes to you, cheers M 🙂

[Branka]

Hi Mathy

Thank you for taking an interest in my thread. I really need the support. I am in bed wide awake and I need to get up at 4am for work.

At the moment I feel so disillusioned with life. I had a 'fall from grace' by having a cigarette. My son believed I had quit and I had. He flew out of his car to snell my fingers. I lied to him about the smoking then told the truth. I feel so ashamed I myself. I find myself constantly lying to avoid altercations with my son.

I tried to apologise but he said he was tired of my behavior. What is wrong with me? I just can't seem to think straight and this confuses me more.

I am at a point where I don't like myself.

Branka xxx

[Branka]

Hi to everyone

Here I sit in my car an hour early for work because I can't sleep. I am so confused. I am beginning to believe that everything is my fault regarding my relationship with my son. I am beginning to question my sanity. Am I such a bad person? I am too scared to go home and face my son's verbal abuse. No matter how hard I try everything I do is wrong from what I say to my body language and tone of voice. I often don't respond to my son's abuse and that only makes it worse. He says 'don't have anything to say?'

If I respond he he gets angry and yells or hits the furniture. He says that I frustrate him that's why he gets so angry. He says that I need to change who I am. All my life I have been trying to change just to suit people. I keep second guessing and doubting myself. I can't even make the simplest of decisions. I honestly feel like I have let everyone down.

I just wish I could disappear.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Fatigue and the constant mental abuse by someone that gets under your guard due to being a loved son is going to do exactly what you are experiencing, removing your ability to regard yourself as strong and sensible.

You are constantly being treated in the same way as prisoners are by warders, however the abuse is mental, not physical.

Please remove yourself from that toxic environment before you reach the stage where you are so down and confused you cannot take action. Please make the calls and find somewhere else - at least temporary accommodation. The longer you leave it the more your son will wear you down.

As Mathy says you are strong, you are a loving and able person and they should be truly supporting you.

Your family does not need a rock, and frankly the next stage is for your son, if he runs true to type, to obtain all the money he can from you, perhaps even without your considered consent, after which I imagine he will abandon you.

I think if your family needs a rock then it should have one who shows that abusive behaviors are not tolerated and do not succeed.

I'm sorry to put it so bluntly Branka, however nobody is equipped to deal with this sort of situation and you need to know that.

Being in a position to post from your own home, not having to post in your car, is how it should be.

Croix

[Mathy]

Branka said:

Hi Mathy

......

At the moment I feel so disillusioned with life. I had a 'fall from grace' by having a cigarette.

.......

Hi Branka, as a recent ex-smoker, I have to say it’s hardly a “fall from grace”. How long ago did you quit? It’s a very difficult thing to do, and maintain under the strain you’re under. I know how I felt (and I use an e-cig), I would have done something unmentionable to him - not that I’m suggesting this, it’s a figure of speech

You know what? I wish I’d had a Mum like you - you’re fantastic. An absolute treasure who deserves to be treated better.

I’m unsure as to how old you may be, but perhaps you could Google “Elder Abuse” - please?

Hoping you can gather your strength and move out, M 🙂 xx

[Branka]

Hi Croix

I have called the domestic violence people to talk to them about everthing. Their suggestion is to try to set boundaries with my son which would not work. I have tried but he continues to cross them. He follows me around the house and just continues to harass me.

Last night I went to bed. He banged on the door so loudly it scared me and started again with his abise. He simply won't leave me alone. I had to leave the house for a while just to get away.

He has been sarcastically calling me a delicate little flower. I have told him of my intention to move out. His response is that I am selfish and self centred because rather than help them pay their mortgage I am paying someone elses. He said that I am not to blame him for my decision to move out.

I am lookinf at some properties on Saturday and hope it goes well. My major concern is that I am still a casual although I am getting plenty of work. I hope this doesn't work againstme. Keep my fingers crossed.

Branka xxx

[Branka]

Hi Mathy

I am 59. I know i shouldn't be smoking it seems to help with the stress as silly as that sounds.

Tthings aren't any better at home. My son simply won't leave me alone. If you read my reply to Croix it explains what has been going on. I am so tired of spending so much time in my car. But its the only peace I get.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

I knew I should not be smoking for years, it was only much later on when I was in a very good place with no hassles I was able to stop.

I'm extremely impressed you are acting on matters and looking for somewhere to go to. Are you thinking of renting - at least for a while? I've no idea if you were planning (or were in a position to) buy. If so I'd suggest holding off until you were more composed and the urgency had dissipated. Temporary might be good at the moment.

The DV people sound downright silly, from what you say it seems they are trying to get you to make things more livable where you are - and that simply is not going to happen. Alternative accommodation would seem pretty obvious a thing to try to offer.

I would expect that now you son knows you are intending to depart his behavior will intensify as time grows shorter and his opportunities to control you become less. Please do not let him talk you into committing to him financially in any way at all just now.

If you do independently later on think you should when unpressed and in your own place that is a different matter. I suspect however you will see he does not really deserve anything except distance.

Do you have a restful place you can go to in your car, a park or a view?

Croix

[Branka]

Hi Croix

Thank you so much for your ongoing support. At the moment my son is in the sulking stage. I keeps asking me whether I am serious about moving out. When I say yes he wants to know why. When I tell him he says that everything is my fault and I am not to blame him for my decision. He says that my actions are selfish and he is now calling me a delicate little flower. He says that I only think about myself.

I am sitting in the car waiting for thw time to see another property. I keep asking myself am I doing the right thing. The more I think about this the more I feel confused and unsure. I know I can't live with him because he is not going to change anytime soon. He says there is nothing wrong with him.

I am worried about finding something to rent as I am still working on a casual basis even though I am getting plenty of work. I can't afford to buy anything. Shared accommodation is not hard to find but I have a housefull of furniture and a cat.

I am not sure about anything anymore. My confidence and self-esteem have hit rock bottom. It's all I can do to get up and go to work. Sundays and Mondays are the hardest for me when he is home. I found out from my other son that my youngest son and his wife have bought a house. I didn't know but that's ok.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

The feelings of self-doubt and confusion are temporary, a response to your current unhappy situation and will pass amazingly quickly when you are away from your son and that house.

His repetitive and accusatory words will just keep going round and round. Try to put them to one side.

Renting is not that much of a risk, as you have work now. I guess you deal with things as they come up. If employment stops you rethink. At least you will have clarity and be able to plan without that overbearing influence.

Can any of your other family help with the furniture for a while? Actually most people have a few bits they are very attached to, and more that is just utilitarian. Is that the case with you?

Do you mind if I ask about your cat? No need to say anything if you would worry about answering. I have two, Sumo Cat, who is extremely large and easy-going, and Nasty Cat who is small and vicious. Life would not be the same without pets.

Your self esteem may be low, but it is not warranted at all. In actual fact you are surviving the sort of horrible situation that taxes anyone to the absolute limit.

I realy hope you find a place quickly, then you plus cat can start a better life.

Croix