Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and hope you find a place to talk, with people that understand your problems. Many here have had difficulties living with children, and lots have experienced depression and anxiety too.

If you are like me then I would not be at all surprised when faced with such a difficult situation I'd feel overwhelmed and not up to improving things. I particularly felt this when my depression and anxiety were at high levels.

Moving after 50 years is a tremendous wrench, with all the things you are used to from doctors to barbers gone. If you have moved from your own house to living with others, even supportive ones, that's a major life-style change with loss of a fair amount of independence. In a toxic atmosphere it just has to be pretty horrible.

May I ask if you are under treatment at the moment? If you are then I would see my GP and ask for my regime to be tweaked to compensation for your current feelings and circumstances.

If you have not found a GP as yet after your move I realy think you ought to find one quickly, talk about you history and how you are now and see what happens. I found I realy needed medical in hte shape of meds and therapy support to improve.

There is a bit of good news, getting a job is a pretty big deal and if you enjoy it that's a bonus. I would imagine it gives you not only an out from a bad atmosphere but also a measure of financial independence.

Perhaps in time this will lead to a social life too.

How do you get on with the older son? I'd expect he could see what is happening, how does he behave? Do you have other family members or children elsewhere?

How about your long-term plans? Are you looking at the possibility of moving into your own place?

I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

[Branka]

Thank you for your informative and supportive reply. It really has been hard. The worst part is not having friends to talk to or family for support. My older son impressed upon me to let him know if my younger son is abusing me. I did confide in him which resulted in both boys having an argument. I felt really awful and now do not tell my older son anything. My daughter in law advised me to simply do as my younger son says, don't argue and agree with everything he says.

I am constantly tip toeing around my son too scared to do anything, to scared to say the wrong thing. This leaves me in a constant state of anxiety. I feel that life has nothing to offer me. At the moment anyway. I am on antidepressants and anxiety tablets but I still feel really anxious and weepy. I am also seeing a psychologist to help me through this stressful period. Hope things get better.

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Thank you for coming back. I've glad to hear oyu have medical support at least.

I'm afraid everything you say points out you are in hte wrong place. Walking on eggshells in what is your home too is not on. You are quite right in thinking it makes your anxiety and depression worse. Nobody can spend there life agreeing in this sort of situation.

Even if it does lead to arguments it does sound as if your older son understands some of it.

Is there any possibility of getting out of that situation?

On another note as someone with anxiety and bouts of depression I find that regularly doing things I enjoy that make me forget the world for a while is an excellent way of lowering my stress levels - do you have a hobby or something else you enjoy?

Croix

[Branka]

At the moment I actually have no interest in anything that I normally enjoy. My escape is work or going for a drive just to get out of the house. I wanted to join some social groups but my son says I should trust no one. It's hard being in a different place and not know anyone. It's really lonely.

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Yes it would be very lonely indeed. Frankly I would have thought join social groups would have been an excellent idea, everything from Mens' Shed to Ballroom Dancing. I'm not sure where trust realy comes into it.

Obviously one is on guard with strangers and as people become friends that is somewhat relaxed, however I see no real danger to anyone with common sense.

Now I might be doing your son an injustice however this reminds me of typical abusive relationship behavior where on of the modes of control is isolation.

The other thing that springs to mind - and again I apologize if I'm going down the wrong track - is inheritance. Some families are very reluctant to approve of a parent forming a new attachment in case it affects matters after the parent has passed away.

That being said many are simply concerned their parent does not end up hurt.

If it was me - and yes I know it is easy for me to say - I'd use that car to travel to a group, join and see how you go.

Croix

[Branka]

Dear Croux

Thank you for your reply. My son probably does care but he is a very untrusting person. He has isolated his wife from her family who she does not see any more. He hates his oldest brother (I have 3 boys) , he hates his father so I'm wondering if he has mental issues.

With regards to money he wants me to help them buy a house. I don't have alot of money but he constantly tells me to save and wants to know exactly what I have in my savings. My middle son believes he is using me as my son does not want me on the house title deed. He says he does not want his brothers getting my share when I die.

I am constantly escaping the house because I hate being there. So social groups would be a great idea.

[loouuiiee]

oh dear ... this sounds like an awful situation to be in and I find it bizarre because I had controlling and abusive parents who were extremely over protective and tried to isolate me when i was younger. They stopped me from getting a job, speaking to friends from school outside of school hours and leaving the house when I was 18 years old (I wasn't even allowed out the front of the house just to check the mailbox)! Being 25 years old now and fully independent from my parents I still find this very bizzare! The SON he thinks he has the right to yell at and tell his MOTHER not to join and social clubs! AND he does the same to his wife?! I'm not saying he has mental issues but he is definitely on the controlling side and I can see why you would feel very unhappy living there.

My advice is to hold on to your job and make some friends at work to begin with.

If he wants you to have money, and he isn't aware that you are making friends at work, then it is unlikely he will try to stop you from going to work.

Definitely keep up with your treatments seeing a GP etc. because that will help you with having someone to talk to and doctors can do some research for you and give you ideas and options.

Ultimately, if I was you I would be saving up and getting a place of your own so that you do not have to live with your youngest son anymore.

What about your oldest son? Can he help you?

I'm so sorry your in this position after leaving your home of 50 years and making such a big move.

It must feel like such a let down, but things may improve with your son and get better. I just don't think you should stay with him and allow yourself to suffer while you wait for him to see the error of his ways because that could take a long time and you deserve to be happy NOW as well as in the future also.

Take care xoxo

[Branka]

Thank you for your reply.I'm sorry that you had to live in such an environment. I myself come from a very similar background. I have 3 sons. My other son that lives here had asked me to tell him if my younger son abuses me which I did. This only caused more problems so now I keep things to myself. This means I have no family support.

I lived with my younger son in Sydney and it was just as bad. When he married and moved here I was hoping it would be better but its not. He has isolated his wife from her family, hates his oldest brother and father and his other brother here wishes he had never moved to Melbourne.

It so hard to make a decision but I know I can't live like this. My anxiety and depression well never improve. I constantly find reasons to escape the house and I am sick of treading on egg shells when around my son.

I will definitely go to social groups. I need to be around people who are positive and respectful and I need friends.

Thank you again for your input.

[Guest_5218]

Dear Branka,

I just read your post addressed to Geoff in his Home Improvement thread. You sound in a very distressed state right now. We havent met before, but I have been following your situation via this thread.

Please bear in mind that if you need to talk to a professional you have the option to call the BB Helpline on 1300 22 4636 at any time of day or night. Dont hesitate to call if you feel you are not coping.

I will be around if you need me.

Sherie xx