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Am I man enough?
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This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.
Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.
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My dear Navy Blue Man;
Please, please don't blame yourself ok? You haven't done anything wrong...never!!
I am responsible and accountable for myself and my words...no-one else! There are forces in this Universe that on the face of it, we don't understand. But one thing I do count on, is being confronted with people and situations that will...WILL...challenge me to be a better person. You've been that for me and I've been that for you as has Mrs D. bless her!
You could no more make me better than I could you, or the children you witnessed being murdered. How reasonable was it for me to blame myself for my rapes? Was my mother at fault? She's the one who left me at home with him. Was feeling beautiful my shame to bare for my partner's act of violence against me? Guilt and self blame are useless emotions...absolutely useless!
You made a conscious decision to read my words. You chose to take them in and 'act' on your own behalf the same as we all do...with courage, commitment and a shit load of 'what if's'. Scary as all Hell, but those of us who choose this path are hero's for sure.
I got too close because I needed to learn about boundaries and 'feeling' for others too much. It's called transference; that's what you felt on active duty.
There is NO guilt or shame...there is only acceptance that sometimes 'life' happens. We have choice, opportunities and the ability to deny or accept our challenges. That's what makes us great..
Would you deny me that opportunity? I must feel pain to know something's wrong and do what I can to heal. Each step I make may be right or wrong, but they're 'my' steps.
When your children began to walk, you didn't cheer when they fell, you cheered when they picked themselves up and walked on. It's about them learning from their own mistakes! How bloody fantastic!
Would you blame yourself because you weren't there to catch them when they fell? Watch on instead, and revel in their greatness!
To live is the greatest adventure!! We're observing each other 'living' our greatness!
NEVER GIVE UP!!!
Sara xoxo
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Dear Sara, Navy Guy and All,
Due to the content of this forum and the huge variety of people using it, there will always be moments where a person may feel offended, confronted, invisible, forgotten, welcomed, encouraged, lonely and any number of different emotions.
For me, it is not always possible to give as much time, care, thought, consideration and attention to the forums as I would like to. Life outside of the forums still happens. This is true for all of us.
There are times when a person's story touches me deeply and I so desire to know the right words to write to help ease their pain. That is not always possible. Words may never be enough. But we try the best we can.
Occasionally I intend to answer a post and then forget. There are times when I just look at one section of the forum and so then miss seeing the needs of others, or miss the fun threads as well. Time is sometimes my restraint.
I have my own personal mental health issues, one being Borderline Personality Disorder. There are times when I post on various threads and receive no recognition of having been there at all. It can upset me. A basic human need is to feel accepted, acknowledged and respected.
I know deep down that people are not intentionally ignoring me, it is my BPD that tells me otherwise.
Sara, have another go at reigniting your humour post if/when you feel up to it. Maybe people have just not seen it yet. I haven't, as like I mentioned I have been looking elsewhere on the forums.
There are posts I have been involved with that I have refreshed now and then. Sometimes they take off, other times they do not.
Guess what I am trying to say in my long winded way is that it can be so very easy to become so involved in all that is shared on this forum. We would not be human if we did not have feelings, emotions and thoughts regarding all we read and share.
It is wonderful we can openly communicate here how we are feeling, coping or struggling.
Once again TIME is against me. I am off to Church then will have my nieces here for the day. They may stay until the evening, so I may not have time to reconnect with the forum. That is okay. We all do what we can when we can.
Sara and Navy Guy, I send you both a huge hug. Once again I desire more time for everyone that I just don't have right now.
Take comfort in the knowledge that people do care for you both!
Cheers for now,Mrs. Dools
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As usual Mrs D you're spot on;
There are reasons I feel the way I do right now, but am unable to disclose them. It's an unfortunate side affect of being a peer supporter, that our strength and guidance is relied upon for others to trust our words. At least that's how I feel..having my own trials and tribulations feels unnerving.
Navy Man;
I'm in a confusing place right now. One of the problems with my PTSD, is not recognising when I'm in need of support myself. I wasn't taught boundaries or self help. I've had to learn the hard way. Sometimes I bounce from one way to the other trying to find the middle...balance.
I went off on a tangent last night on this thread. I don't want you to take on my issues and blame yourself. I'm here to assist you get thru each phase as I've done. 'Peer support' doesn't mean I'm not flawed; it means I've been where you are and am still in recovery. I always will be.
Instead of worrying about what you think you've done to make me feel whatever, how could you best support me as my peer? That's where recovery takes on a whole new meaning NM.
How could you support your wife to support you? Listen, watch, learn, empathise as if you're in her shoes and ask yourself what could work in her situation. That's what I do with you...
We can't change the world...just ourselves. That's how we make the world a better place; by healing us. When we're strong enough, we pass it on.
Take care NM and Mrs D..
Love...Sara xoxo
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Now that's the Navy Man I've come to adore!!!
I laughed out loud many times reading; 'big' thankyou for this. It was heartfelt and warm, honest and humble. Another thankyou...
Keeping things short...I'd like for you to have a look-see at a thread I 'know' will enlighten you. The quick link is;
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/poor-concentration-due-to-ptsd#qlj5QnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A
Just copy and paste onto the address bar for quick access. Otherwise go to The Forum Sections, PTSD and Trauma, then Poor Concentration due to PTSD by MarkJT.
It's a great read so post if you like. Our experiences are 'gold' to others...just sayin'
Take care and stay safe yourself...Sara xoxo
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Please excuse these observations, I’m hoping you do not step back from posting for the wrong reasons – I well understand the need everyone has for a break at times or that other things in life may take precedence. I get the feeling however that you are deciding based upon your concern about putting those that are interacting with you in a worse place. Also maybe that you are a little overwhelmed at the number of responders, rich variety of support and the depth of self-revelation offered to you.
I guess it’s true that everyone posting here that gives a message of worth is perhaps paying for the quality of their help in the currency of pain from past hurts, the doubts about doing more harm than good, the feelings of loneliness when a revealed part of their heart is not acknowledged. I too, in a small way, offered stories of times I still look back to with grief, shame and regret. If I’d known whether you would come back to me or not I’d still have posted as I’ve walked (stumbled?) the path and want to give a hand to others who walk it now.
If the recipient never replies then some good may still be done, both to the recipient in gaining information and support, and to the supporters in the knowledge that their efforts to help showed them something good about themselves – their desire and ability to help others and ability to empathize.
How much better is a thread where the helped reaches out in return, expressing gratitude and concern for the helpers. The very real needs of both helper and helped are being met. This is happening here. Getting close to those that share their experiences is normal and to be expected by all.
You have consistency expressed appreciation, that you value both the insights offered and the people who offered them. This whilst suffering deeply in a new and very unfamiliar part of your life. My experiences of my equivalent time included being over-anxious about causing harm, and using less than perfect reasoning.
If you have not always answered everyone and someone gets lost in the shuffle I think that for so complex and active a thread it is probably to be expected. You did notice Sara’s absence and expressed concern – your humanity and care shines though.
I really believe you have in no way failed, and are both gaining and giving. No doubt there will be others who are not actually part of this thread who gain from quietly reading it too.
My best wishes to you, your family and all in this thread.
Croix
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Dear Navy Blue,
>(except I'm pretty sure you are not green and 700 years old)
That still leaves the ears - mine really are not that big and pointy- are they?
Thank you for coming back to me, makes me feel appreciated too.
If you ever do stop posting for a while never ever feel reluctant to come back - there'll always be warmth and understanding waiting.
Have fun at the preschool party,
Croix
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