Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Eagle Ray, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone…..🤗🩷..

Thank you for your caring posts…

The meeting…hmmm…the manager (K) I don’t think has any compassion or empathy at all….all K thinks about is money, profit and more money…and of course her reputation with her bosses…The week I left 4 other workers also left…not because I did but because they are also feeling unappreciated and pushed to work to hard…

Okay…After repeatedly saying I’m out coming back to boss lady….Betty being Betty talked me into doing Saturday’s only…on the condition that we will not be emptying the blue bin…but if donations are left on the council footpath I’ll have no choice to get them inside…boss  is pushing me to do 3 days again….to stop her from pushing me..I told her to give me a few weeks to see how I feel…I lied to her because I know I’m only going to do Saturday… I just needed space from boss….if I feel any hurt at all I told Betty that I’m finished there and for her to accept that…

Deebi..yeah I’m over pain…It’s been a constant for a few years now…I’m beginning to believe my neighbour that all this started with my last Covid injection…before Covid I was okay physically….just don’t know what to think anymore…maybe I’ve been cursed by someone…maybe this is my destiny/fate now…🤔..I forget what it feels like to be pain free…

I haven’t started drawing yet…I want to and I will…just need to feel better within myself first…Eagle Ray, I’ve tried drawing trees before…the tree I draw…looks so completely different from the one I’m looking at😂😂…I heard a saying once that no 2 trees are the same…talking about trees..I love that poem….”TREES”…by Joyce Kilmer…

I am without a car now for over a week…it’s missing and needs spark plugs and coils…hopefully next week I’ll be able to get it repaired….repair shops are full, we only have one reliable one in town…also I need a bit more $ in my pocket to get it done…

Eagle Ray…you are a very wise and beautiful person…and you understand my mental anguish…🤗🌹…

Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, my beautiful and loyal friend…you are and always will be a caring and beautiful person…yadimh always..puAbok…🩷🌹🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

We got this everyone…Tomorrow is another day..hmmm hope it’s a good day for you all..

Love, hugs and care everyone…🩷🤗🌹🌈..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hey there dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone 😊

Dear girl you've been in so much pain for so long. It does wear us down for sure doesn't it. Lifes so much harder going through constant pain. I'm sorry for you having to go through that darlin 🤗. Hoping sincerely the break from the lifting and hard physical work will give you some so deserved reprieve from that poor thing. Feel for you hun 🤗

Pretty hard to deal with those sort of people who care about maybe themselves but that sounds about all. Geez I don't understand how people can be so damned cold. Pfttt. 
Good saying you want some time to see. Smart move. Don't let her decide what you do and don't hun. 
Saturdays sound from memory a bit lighter with the load. Do you think you could leave the stuff because you so badly need the rest from physical hun. I know you'd probs feel guilty.

Shame they can't get someone in to pick the bags up for youse like they did for a short time before. 
They really don't appear to give a toss about their workers. Fools 🙄

It does sound like you're keen to the drawing hun good on you. When you're ready lovey it'

ll happen. I like your enthusiam and love that it'll be a good outlet and of course something to do and work at. Same I want to get back into mine too.

Grandy not wanting to bring sadness back but have been thinking often and wondering how you're going about our dear Ebony. You have beautiful memories that stay.

Hope you're going ok with overall mh too hun for that matter. 
You're a survivor Grandy. 

Hope the car gets sorted sooner than later esp from what you've said there it's very needed. 

Ok my lovely one please take really gentle care and keep going dear friend like you do. 
Yes we got this! It is in us it's learning how to activate it. 

Heaps of care love and thoughts huns 😊💜💚😇💫🤗

Just wanted to check in and see how you're going lovey. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Dear Grandy, Deebi and All 🤗

Yes, so important Grandy to put your well being and body first. You can see how you go with the Saturday but if anything feels wrong for your body it is definitely good to not keep pushing through.

I have to say my sketches of trees don't really look like the actual tree either 😂 But I think that can still be artistic in its own way. It's like some of the portrait art out there - it really doesn't look like the actual person 😂 I found and read the Joyce Kilmer poem Trees online and it's lovely 💚🌳 I feel like trees are like other kinds of people. If I've found myself standing on a tree's root system, such as when in a forest, I actually find myself internally apologising to the tree as I feel like I'm standing on its "feet".

I hope you are ok without your car. Do you have shops you can walk to if you need something? I hope maybe someone can bring some groceries for you if needed. I am lucky where I am as if my car is out of action all essential services are within walking distance.

I really do hope your pain eases before long Grandy. It really can be a draining thing. I know you felt good improvement when you stopped being in the shop before, so definitely take things easy. I was fine with my first two Covid jabs but the third one had a really dramatic effect and I was very ill. I have a liver condition and it pushed my already abnormal liver readings higher than they'd ever been. So I've been very cautious about it since. I don't think I've had lasting effects but I think for some people there can be some issues. It's so difficult to tell.

I think you are a wise and beautiful person Grandy (and you too Deebi!). You have such a big heart and you are so kind to everyone here with so much love to give. Thank you Grandy and Deebi for being lovely people in this world 💕🌟🌸🌱🦋🐳💖

Take care and hugs,

Eagle Ray

[demonblaster]

Hey Grandy ‌‌👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 Eagle ‌‌🦅 and other lovelies ‌‌😊

Hun I've been thinking about work. It's clear as Iwe've known a long time you're Gold to them with great work ethics, reliability honesty kindness dedication and the list goes on.

They need you hun. Think about this lovey
I know confrontation's difficult. I'm not suggesting that but now more than ever the shoes on your foot. Time to bargain for the other one ‌‌...ok so stilettos may not be the shoe of choice 😂

So here's my thoughts. This is for your benefit NOT theirs. Ladylike expletives removed ‌‌

To avoid face-face in an email you have a copy. You can think of what you want to say without interruption or persuasion. 
How bout talk in detail about the physical pain you've suffered over the time. Don't hold back. 
Esp your arms & impending serious op (they don't need to know you've chosen not to) & in time off the vast improvement.
Also without detail mention the affect on your MH & of course the most recent nightmare of pain you're experiencing.

Your bargaining chip is that they need you darl.
You could put to them the only viable option for you would be  WHEN the chute is done & NO physical unless within your abilities.
You could mention the wear and tear on your older type car being a high cost and the fuels an extra financial strain that causes more pressure.

You're happy not to work. Fair enough hun tho if the risk of stepping back in your MH's  really not good aye.

This is a chance for you to stand up for your rights and self beautiful lady. You do & have given so much to your community and what you're asking is nothing short of fair.
If they don't come to the party it's their loss but I'd really like to see you have at least a shot sweety🤗

Always strong love ‌‌dear Grandy. Take care darls and remember it's in us and up to us to activate it. We're so much stronger than we think. Hey we're still here after conquering SO many major hurdles .Each time we kick goals when we come out the other side. That's gaining strength. 

Dear Eagle thank you for youir lovely warm comments. I've been meaning to say for ages how beautiful it is reading here and at times at our Pawsy's thread your compassion comes through your words. You too are a lovely person and it's nice to know you. Take care hun 💓

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Eagle Ray and everyone…🤗🩷..

Deebi, I miss Ebony everyday, miss her sitting on my lap, her kisses, her funny little quirky self..miss watching her play with her mumma and sister..

Work went okay last Saturday, I only served in the shop and any donations that came through the door I took around to the sorting area…(very carefully), but I felt that in my back and leg/hip…Dr and I was talking about how for many years now, my hip/leg/groin has been causing me grief…we went back to the fall I had when falling over my fur girl…that’s when that fall escalated my already sore shoulders, 4 months after the fall I was diagnosed with bI lateral frozen shoulders…Dr thinks that maybe I damaged a nerve/muscle somewhere in my back or my hip bones…which has made my back fragile to different movements… that’s around the time when sciatica started…geez only 4 years of me at every visit asking for help with this nearly unbearable pain…she is now listening.. I’m on the wait list to see again my orthopaedic surgeon…in the mean time..pain meds which are not working…Her unconfirmed diagnosis is a torn labrum, which can only be repaired by surgery (keyhole)..first a proper diagnosis from orthopaedic surgeon, then on a 4/5 year wait list for surgery….here I go again…

I cannot walk constantly for more then around 50 steps until my right leg will not lift enough without horrible pain to even take a step…my hip feels like it’s locked in and the only way I found (accidentally) is to bear through pain running from my back, down my bottom through my hip down my leg and try to sit…then after a few minutes of sitting, and my leg/ back aching, I can get up again and walk without pain until it all starts again…I can’t shop, do much at home or work properly at all…really can’t do nothing really, I’m just sitting/ laying everyday, putting on weight and getting more and more depressed each day…Waiting for night to come so I can sleep for a while and not feel anything is what I look forward to…then knowing tomorrow is not going to be any better with pain…no one can blame me for having s/i thoughts…I am strong enough to keep them thoughts just thoughts…I’m just releasing frustration from my mind..

I drove my car into town yesterday to be repaired, I was told 3 hours, so I went to work, not to work but to just wait out the time…I ended up serving in the shop..gets the phone call to come get my car, only to be told when I got there that they ordered the wrong part…they didn’t fix it because the right parts are going to be an extra $300+ …now I’ll have to get more $ saved to get it fixed…maybe next month…Oh Eagle Ray, the nearest shop to get milk etc..is around 10 kilometres from mine…in a small town…not walkable distance even if I could walk…The mechanic said I can drive my car but only if necessary and not long distances…it will gradually keep getting worse..being able to drive it makes me feel a little better..

I hope so much that everyone’s life is going a lot better then mine is right now and you all have a good and happy day…

Love, care, hugs and kind thought…🩷🦋🤗🌹🌈.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Grandy, Deebi and All,

Grandy, you are having such a difficult time. I feel Deebi’s suggestion of sending an email to work would be a really good idea. By putting it in writing it actually binds them in some responsibility to you with regard to your health and welfare at work. I would outline everything you have told us here about the injuries including the possibly torn labrum. It really matters for your body that you are only doing things that support it and don’t make it worse. If it’s in an email, both you and them have it in writing and it makes it clear that you have limitations that have to be adhered to. You could get your doctor to provide a medical certificate or statement too to support you, clearly outlining what your limitations are.

Pain is such an awful thing to live with day to day. The best thing I can think of Grandy is to take it as easy as you need to. And while resting, see if you can direct the most loving, kind energy towards yourself. I have dealt with a lot of severe pain while also being so hard on myself over the years. What I have learned is that feeling kindness towards myself has shifted my relationship with my body to some degree and I heal and recover better if I’m kind to myself. It’s not easy to do for those of us who have been treated abusively in the past. But finding loving kindness for ourselves is the best thing we can ever do. It’s like a letting go of all the bad stuff and allowing the light to come in. Often when we do that things begin to transform in our bodies too, like you can feel the difference it makes. There might still be some pain and injuries, but I do think loving self-care has a really calming and healing effect.

That is so frustrating about your car. I do wonder if maybe your children could help with the extra $300+. I’m remembering them kindly buying you a washing machine. I feel they would really want you to be ok and for you to be able to drive your car again without any concerns. Absolutely don’t hesitate to call for a meal service like meals on wheels too if driving is difficult because of your health or the state of your car.

Grandy, you are important - number one person in your life. Sending you a big, warm hug 🤗 And Deebi, thank you so much for your kind words and warm hugs to you too 🤗

Much love and care,

ER

[Croix]

Dear Grandy and All~

I think DB is right and I find if I try to force myself I pay worse than not doing that particular task, so for me being kind to myself means avoiding anything that might make things worse.

I hate the fact you have to wait so long for an operation.

I do use crutches at times, however I'm not sure with your shoulders they would be suitable. their main advantage is I can have a hand to do things, with sticks both hands are occupied all the time.

I'm sorry about your car, that extra $300 is an unexpected blow. Incidentally do you have a disability thing to hang on your mirror? Being able to park in handicapped car parking spaces has made the world of difference to me, as like you 50 meters can be an impossibility some days.

I hope you come to some arrangement with the shop and can continue there wihtout hurting yourself more - an email or letter sounds a good idea.

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Oh dear Grandy....I just found out. It makes my pain and complaints seem so minor in comparison.  What can I say, to advise, to comfort?  I don't know, except to lean on your lovely friends here on Forum and am at a loss when it comes to pain advice.   You have received some excellent advice here...and all I can send is my love and my arms around you.....my dear dear old friend and what a lovely person you are too!  xxxxxxxxxxMoon S

[demonblaster]

Hi Grandy ‌‌👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 Eagle ‌‌ and everyone

Ah darlin good you vented go for it hun this is what here's about. Feel this loving needed hug ‌‌🤗 Poor sausage.

Sweets please don't do anything risking your labrum and the many other physicals you have. I know you have as well as a great work ethic a strong decency towards your co-workers saving them lifting. Honey it's not worth the aggravation. It's strong in your nature but you really do have to come first. You need your strength to keep going

Sadly it's understandable having S/I it's terribly hard being in so much constant pain & with so much else to deal with.
A 4/5 yr waiting list is atrocious tho I'd wait hun till after the ortho visit. The severity & only about 50 steps my heart goes out to you. Possibly you wouldn't want to be doing this. I"d be telling him about holding onto thoughts only. It could help with other reasons to reduce the wait time. In truth when my hip pain was worse than now thanks to exercise if I was in extrene danger I wouldln't be able to move. He was going to get me in within a yr.

Grandy could a high chair be easier if you don't have one stack up pillows cushions blankets etc on your lounge to rest on when having a break might be easier to sit down.

I heard some pain relief isn't necessarily effective for certain pain. Maybe the Dr could try another?

A trickle of light sweets is a diagnosis at last after ortho and being fixable. Key hole sounds better too..
Awe sweety hold onto anything that can reduce your thoughts. We know this is dangerous territory. You SO need a break

And the friggen car. being their fault could you can pay it off. Maybe a small deposit.

About motivation darl. Manias energy helps open the mind by allowing furthur thought. Without it I think the key iIS allowing further thought after no I can't do it. Possibly creates more energy. I realised I was spending ages (love em) playing games but not doing the wants that'd make me happy. Give a sense of achievement a mh distraction something to work on. I got the sewing machine out and am doing stuff. It's exciting.

Thinking it could help you to get started with the drawing lovey. We need other stimulation. Esp for you with how you're feeling you poor dear soul.

Love you very much dear Grandy. Hold in there lovey. Be safe and careful hun please do right for you darlin 🤗💚💜 you matter to many 💗💫

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Eagle Ray, Croix, sweet Moon, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone….🩷🤗..

I have a high pain tolerance, I think developed over the many years of abuse..but this is different type of pain and it doesn’t go away…I am more upset that I can’t walk around the isles to do shopping, can’t walk around my backyard or work enough to do my job properly….I’m sorry I am a bit of a whinger right now…if I sit I’m in no pain, if I lay down I’m in no pain..,it’s just walking and picking up things of the floor…can’t sweep property either……over it!..got a msg from the hospital….overbooked Specialist means a while before I get in to see him….all our specialists fly in from Sydney..big breathe, suck it in and live with it for now…

I did email the area manager, I received an email back with how to become a volunteer at the shop…obviously they never read it…automated return I guess….anyway..I don’t feel I’m an asset to them because I’m only not even doing half of the jobs I used to do…Hopefully soon they will get someone to open Saturdays so I can say goodbye to them permanently…

Croix, I tried using my walking stick and even my walker, they don’t help because I still have to use my right leg…only a few dozen steps and it feel like my groin has locked up…and I need to try to sit to unlock it…while in the middle of trying to sit it clicks and that hurts a lot….after a minute or so I’m okay again….sitting is so good right now😁..

Moon, I’m so sorry sweetheart that you are struggling with pain…my heart goes out to you🤗🩷…sorry I haven’t posted on your thread, but I’ve been listening along to you and our beautiful Croix…

My son posted the parts to me and my friend Betty’s son is a mechanic and said he will do it for me when he next comes to visit her….not sure when that will be…

Love that you’re going to do some sewing Deebi, I will put an order in for a beautiful fairy cloth doll…😁…I’ll leave the colours up to you honey, but you do know I love shades of purple and pink💜🩷 maybe with some blue added..

I like working in the shop and am so disappointed in myself that my body isn’t strong enough now…Still doing Saturdays give me a reason to go out into the public…without Saturdays I’m not sure how I’ll cope mentally with staying home 7 days a week…so I’ll continue the best I can for now and see how I go..

I sincerely hope that everyone is having a good day, everyday…

My love,hugs and care dear sweet friends….💜🤗🌹🌈🦋.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..