Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Grandy, Paws and Everyone,

I’m really glad there are some options for you to call on if you need some support at home. I have to admit I feel the same about other people coming into my home. I have people probably coming tomorrow in relation to matters to do with the strata property and I feel self-conscious as I struggle to keep my home as tidy and spotless as some others do. But I’m gradually learning to not care so much about such things and I think people like those who come to support in the home really understand you are managing on your own and they are there to help. I know what you mean about the doggies too. I have lived with doggies and, yes, so much bits of grass, dirt and fur everywhere 😂 But they are so worth it 🐶💗

I had the sense from previous posts that Betty tends to want you to do certain things like be at the shop because it’s like a security for her, like she’s a bit dependent on you to be there for her sake. But it is so important that you do what’s right for you as first priority. If you are not at the shop it doesn’t mean that you and Betty cannot still catch up for coffee and spend time together. I have had friends too who have wanted me to meet their needs/wishes, but then when I might have needs they can’t really see me or provide support back. I think you have done the right thing by gently letting Betty know that you aren’t going back to work but that she doesn’t have to follow what you do. Hopefully she will learn to adjust and manage herself as to what is right for her. It’s actually good for her to know you have boundaries around your needs and it helps her to take responsibility for her own needs.

I’m glad you have been able to opt out of the shoulder surgery. Surgery is a fairly major thing to have, so if there is a way to continue without too much pain and your range of movement has much improved, that really sounds like a good way to go. I really feel for you with the back pain. With ligaments it seems it takes rest and time, but I know it is so frustrating. I wish I could be there to help you out. Go gently and I hope you can find some peaceful distractions from the pain and discomfort. I’m remembering your lovely description of being on your porch watching and hearing the thunderstorm. I hope you can find some peaceful absorption in nature like that.

Yes, toasties can be a good, easy meal. I know what you mean about the frozen supermarket meals. Don’t hesitate to ask for some more help with shopping if you need it. Ham can be another good thing to have on hand as a protein for toasties or sandwiches. I’ve also found there are some good quality packaged soups out there now such as chicken and vegetables which can be a good, easy, nutritious meal you can heat in the microwave.

Rest well Grandy, take care and gentle hugs 🤗💖🌼🌸💫

ER

[demonblaster]

Hey our dear Grandy 💏 and lovely friends 💗

Ohh darlin I'm sorry not to have been here earlier, we've been out a bit lately and not been checking emails. 
Sweety I have full empathy with back pain. It's wicked isn't it and completely understand the screaming pain that you were feeling. I couldn't not scream for many yrs with it. 
Darlin so glad you were able to get help and in hospital too. Wow that would have been so scary let alone being by yourself in the shop. Thank goods for the welfare people. 
Soft tissue is terribly painful. Thank god the tendons heal and that you're getting some movement slowly. It's a process isn't it. Sleepings hard when needing to move aye.
Sounds like you're doing the right thing taking your time. Yes walkers are handy but can take a little navigation I imagine.

Ouch that would have been hurtful Betty not being there for you 🤗. Yes agreed that's good you've made boundaries and that you mentioned she can keep going. Good girl 
So beautiful Mrs nsn who's becoming at times by the sounds Mrs nat-nice at times. That really was very sweet of her.

Honey being emotional in hard times is very normal I'm sure. We're right off balance when in pain mentally or physically as we know it's really hard work. 

Yes and leaving work would be a huge change for you. You've been there a few yrs haven't you. An asset to there for sure. 
Wow and going to put a shute in. Finally!

We like the sweet potatoe ones from Coles they're like cottage pie. Really nice. 

Good idea about a soup too Eagle mentioned. 

Oh darlin you're such an incredibly strong lady who endures over and over so much but you always come out the other end. Keep going beautiful. 
Oh great news about the last batch of cortisone how it's helping the shoulders. Fantastic and good not having to have the surgery. Awesome news huns. 

Love you very much Grandy. So sorry for your horrible pain. Thankfully it's subsiding slowly. 
YAdimh PUBAOK 💜🤗🗯

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Eagle Ray, Paws and everyone….🤗🩷…

Today is a better day…I showered and washed my hair….having a shower located over my bath is a struggle to get under…. I found that out about before,  when my shoulders were damaged and I also found again how hard it is on the last few attempts to shower with a damaged back as well…..I am walking around now with some pain but it’s manageable now….Oh I am so grateful and relieved that deep pain has gone.😁…but still being careful…I haven’t been out since I came home from hospital but today is a conference plus I need some groceries so I’ll be going into town later this afternoon for the meeting and shopping with my 2 new helpers (walker and walking stick) just in case….

Deebi, that Shute will NEVER happen…They are big on planning things  but bad at carrying out those plans….been promised so much over the years but they never carry through…it’s more to make us feel better for a while with expectations of better conditions…..

I’m staying on in conference..that will get me out at least once a month…I could do my shopping on that day after the meeting…I know I need to find something to keep me a least content..happiness within my soul hasn’t been present for many years…going to work, putting on a smile didn’t do anything to make that smile reach my soul….but it made customers feel welcomed….which helped me to stay out of my head…lots of years ago I tried drawing, I might try that again…. 🤔…I do know like any of the emotions we have,  happiness is more of a fleeting moment that we can think on at times to bring that happiness feeling back to us for a few moments.…the opposite of thinking of negative thoughts..which only brings negativity and depression upon us…easier said then done….(as we all know)…

It’s so hot out here…I’ve seen 2 snakes in the past few days…one out front of my house, the other my neighbour saw sliding under her car…..I am now very cautious of letting my fur girls outside on their own….they’re looking for water and an escape from the heat…I always have my back door and screen open 24/7 for them to be free to go outside if they want to or to come inside….now I keep them closed, scared that a snake might enter my home…Spiders and snakes are things I’m much afraid of….

Hope everyone has a good day today and keeps cool and hydrated…

Deebi…yadimh, and please ybaok…😁🩷👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🍫🤗

Sending you all my care, love and hugs..🦋🩷🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy….

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Grandy and Everyone 🤗

I’m really glad you’re feeling a bit better Grandy. Having a shower and being able to wash your hair makes such a difference doesn’t it. It just feels so refreshing. I’m glad the pain is improved and you can walk around more easily. Yes, take it easy with the conference and grocery shopping. Actually as I type this I realise your post was yesterday and you will have already been to the conference and shops! I hope you were able to stock up with some nice things to eat and you were ok getting about.

Yes, having the conference could be a good thing to have something to go to once a month. I  finding people contact so helpful at the moment as I find only being home on my own is not so good for me without some interaction. It may be that other opportunities open up over time. I often find closing one door leaves space for others to open and new opportunities to come along.

I think I understand what you mean about the smile for the customers not reaching your soul. For most of my life I have put on a happy front for others and helped them to feel better, but I wasn’t quite getting that same nurturing for myself. I’m gradually learning to do that now and also having more genuinely kind people in my life which helps a lot. I think eventually we can be that light for ourselves and light up our own soul and we just have to turn inwards and really nurture and care for ourselves.

I understand you being concerned about the snakes with your fur girls. I wonder if snakes are looking for water when it gets really hot? It might be good to keep the doggies’ water bowls indoors. I’m visiting in the city at the moment and it’s very hot here too. I’m looking after a fluffy cat who is meowing at me asking for pats.

Take good care Grandy and I hope you are keeping cool in the hot weather ☺️🤗💗🐳🐠🐬🦋

[Eagle Ray]

Oh just rereading your post and you mentioning the snakes are looking for water. Sorry, I read things and my brain is like a sieve. Yes, that makes sense. It does sound like a good time to keep doggies indoors. I hope it cools down soon 🤞🙏🌿

[beredis]

Hey, I hear you, and I just want to say you’re not alone. Grief, loneliness, and depression can feel like an endless cycle, especially when it’s hard to find someone to talk to. It makes total sense that going out feels overwhelming, and staying home feels like the only safe space. Please don’t be too hard on yourself—you’re doing the best you can.

[demonblaster]

Hey our beautiful Grandy 💏 and all the other lovelies 💗

Really good hearing huns that your pains subsiding, yes it does take a while to fully recover. It's very harsh what happens to cause so much intense pain. Keep going like you are hun being very careful poor darling. 

Must have felt good being able to wash your hair. Things we usually don't think much about can become a major task when pains involved. Good job Grandy trooper. 

Shame they're all talk re making things better. Like to see them struggling doing it all. Poor form isn't it. I wonder if this time they might follow through due to what happened to you and that you left because of it which is entirely fair enough. 
Yes I too hope something else can come along. I've noticed over the yrs too Eagle about one door closing another opening. 
Good Grandy I loved hearing you talking about drawing. Try not to get put off if it doesn't look as you'd like it to. You're an intelligent lady. Try to draw it as you see it and above all keep practising. I yrs ago drew my hand which with practice turned into a real looking one. Was stoked. 

Haha loven your 2 helpers, lol I got excited thinking you had some aid coming. Stick and walker 😅 you have a great sense of humour. And the stick too you were ages back keen to draw on. We were thinking things that we've covered here like stars and Deendy lol emojis etc. 

Yikes snakes are scary. Good thoughts to have the furs inside. So glad we're not too far off the heat. Blagghh some people love it. Nah not I said the fly.

With some luck you may end up with a bit more work with welfare huns. I'm glad you still have that. 

Very true that thinking about good times can give the mind a good break even if it's only for a few seconds it's that much less on negative thought and feelings. I think when we can allow ourselves a break in negative thinking we're on our way to lifting back up. 

All best wishes of continued recovery darlin girl. Sounds like you're doing the right stuff hun. Apparently walking is the best thing for back pain. Gotta be able to get up and go I've found in the past difficult. 

 Big love always Grandy darling and always thoughts dear friend. You matter not just to me but I know to many people. 
Thank you for being such a beautiful person 💜💫🤗🦄🐉😘

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear beredis, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Eagle Ray and all…..🤗🩷..

Its so nice that you dropped in beredis, and even nicer to meet you…Thank you for your kind words and your understanding of how these emotions can be a bit overwhelming at times…I hope your doing okay, no, sweet beridis , though we feel like we are alone, we are not…we are all with you  dear beredis..🤗🦋🌹..

I had a few X-rays done yesterday as well as some blood tests…now just got to wait for results 😬…my back pain has been very slowly disappearing and I can do more and more each day..but I do feel it’s very fragile in a certain spot when I move in a certain way…so I’m being careful….

Betty* has once again left her volunteer work…Im trying hard not to feel guilty…I think in a way, we are each others security blankets🙂…The area manager has asked us both to a meeting tomorrow (Saturday)….just us 3…no doubt in my mind at all she is going to try to get us to go back to work…I need to be strong…one of my biggest emotions is guilt, which then causes me to feel I done wrong  and then I feel for people, especially when I’m the cause of their, idk dilema? Problem? Or what ever…then I’ll say yes, even though I don’t want to…just to make that person happy and free of problems….I have to be strong…I know in my heart that I liked working there because I could help people who are desperate for clothing, food etc…but my body is saying no!…I have to listen to my body this time…Mentally I cannot handle any more physical pain…s/i is present and awake these last few months…I’ve had enough of pain…but I am stupid most times….. you know,  when the pain leaves me…I feel like I can do most things even work again, not thinking at the time that even after 5 minutes of constantly bending over to pick up donated bags of clothes, that most are well over 15 kilos, pick them up to put in a trolly to wheel it inside the shop….other times it’s dragging them in…it will come back full strength…How do you say no and not constantly ponder over that decision?….my heart/ mind is weak when other people’s happiness is at stake.. 

I forgot about that “Walter” Walking Stick…I might do some of that as well…I still have all my charcoal and shading pencils from over 20 years ago put away somewhere.. 🤔…I want to first try that 3D Road art…I think it’s amazing…

Today again is hot 🥵….all the huge properties out my way are now brown dry grass…poor livestock are suffering again with not enough rain for the grass…

My care, love and hugs to you all..🌹🦋🩷🤗

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Hello lovely Grandy and all you other lovely people 🤗💗

Grandy, I'm really glad the back pain is gradually easing 💖

One thing that occurred to me is whether the shop could give you certain duties only that do not involve lifting or bending - maybe putting things on racks and price tags on clothes, that sort of thing? That would only be of course if you actually wanted to do that as a way of still having the social contact. The reason I think of that is many years ago I worked in a market garden. However, after 5 months I realised it was far too physically hard for me, so I advised I'd be leaving. Then they offered a solution which was for me to only do seed raising which was much less physically demanding. So it was my job to grow plants from seed in trays and I enjoyed that. I ended up staying with them a long time after that.

However, if you want to leave no matter what, I think definitely put yourself first Grandy. It is really important to listen to your body. If there is no way they can accommodate you in a way that is safe for your body, then it's so important to take care of yourself as first priority. I know it's really hard to do. I am like you and have always tried to please others first. But I'm gradually shifting that pattern at the moment and it really starts to feel empowering and healing to take care of myself. I know there can be guilt at first, but eventually that does go away. I think it goes away when your inner protector/carer kicks into action. It's like you begin to defend and care for your inner child. I have found when I do this, other people actually respect my boundaries more too.

You're absolutely not the cause of your work's dilemmas or problems! I also think if s/i is present it's an indicator of the need to really self-care. It is so easy for us who have experienced a lot of abuse to turn against ourselves. I've been falling into a despairing state in recent times which is strongly hormonally related, but the s/i has been emerging a bit for me again too and I can sense this is a clear sign for me to self-care in every way I can. You are a precious being Grandy deserving of the greatest care 💕

I just looked up 3D Road Art and, wow, it's fascinating! I think it will be wonderful to do your artwork. I remember once going with my friend and her niece to sketch trees in a park. It was such a lovely thing to do 😊 I also remember seeing an interview with Cyndi Lauper who said when she was a teenager her dream was to hitchhike across Canada with her dog and spend her time drawing trees. I thought how lovely is that 🌲🌳 It's the kind of thing I would like to do, just travel with a doggie and draw trees.

I feel sorry for livestock in the hot weather. I've been noticing that while most paddocks have at least a bit of shade, sometimes there are paddocks that don't seem to have any as far as I can tell driving past and I feel so sorry for cattle or sheep out in the full sun. I hope you get some cooler weather soon 🙏

Much love, care and hugs to you Grandy,

ER

[demonblaster]

Hey darlin bbff 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and to everyone 😊

Lovely I'm so pleased to hear the backs starting to ease off. Yes really good thinking that it can come back as bad if you do too much. Especially that there's a tender spot there I'd which I'm sure you're on it be extremely aware and careful till it is completely free of pain Grandz won't you lovey. It's really hard yakka enduring that sort of pain ☹️
Sweetyheart I understand though not at all good hearing that you are/have been experiencing s/I. Pain has an incredibly strong hold over us mentally and of course physically. I'm really sorry you've been feeling that way huns. It's consuming and carries so much other mental health pain and anxiety poor love.
Wondering do you think a chat to your Dr about that but imagine too there may be reasons you wouldn't want to be doing that. Oh darlin. It wears us down doesn't it. What a relief darl that it's easing off which in turn might be allowing you better rest too.

I guess you'd be right what the managers wanting to talk to you both about. Yip you really do need to look after your poor bod hun. Way too much grief. Good thoughts Eagle re if there's any lighter work that you could do. Hope that went ok huns 🤗

Oh that road art is amazing isn't it. Good on you wanting to have a go. I've in my time experimented and sometimes drawing just stumbled onto producing 3D it's pretty exciting actually seeing something come to life looking so real. One of the things I've played around with is steps. It's about angles for the back part. Clearly hard to explain 😅 Let us know how you go with that. It's neat hearing you keen on doing that and art. Good on ya floss 😎 yeah and our stick. Walter 😆 memory lane stick.

Oh yeah the heats no joy is it yet many love it ugh. When you say it's hot as it must be horrid. Blagghh.

Always thoughts dear friend and love Grandy 💜 puAbok Ydimh take good care sweety as you are. You're well overdue for a run of good pain free health and a humungus dose of pure Gold happiness. 
 🤗🦄🐉😎🏂oh that snow boarding ones for later when you're better