Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Grandy, 

Your post has moved me deeply. You show such amazing love that you still have for your husband. Such a deep feeling. You must’ve been soulmates and I can’t imagine how difficult it must’ve been for you to deal with him passing away. And even now years later, this seem to be a pretty difficult time for you. So glad you have shared this with us here. Thank you lovely.

[ecomama]

Dear Grandy, warm long hugs. 

Heaps of compassion for last Tuesday. Such a difficult day for you. I can only intuit what you meant when you asked "Why?"... what a lingering question that is for you. 
The "grief" passing of someone who did not treat us "right" has been so complex for me. I did not lose the exH in the same way. I have grieved for "family" but it cannot be compared with yours... I could never compare this situation. 
I feel awful asking questions about this of you, it feels so intrusive to do so. 
At the same time I WANT to be there for you, so please share if you feel the need to. 

You have so many loving friends here. 

Are you able to get support from another Social Worker? 
Do you want this kind of support? 
I'm concerned about how you feel on your days off work. 

Oh well done you having a go at creating a terrarium, that's amazing lol. I've never done this. Wish I could give you a bucket of moss from mine tbh! So much moss at home and at work. I love moss. It reminds me of Fairy Gardens and that movie Merlin. Mystical and soft. Moss is gorgeous lol. 

I wondered what your thread was called about animals? I can't find it lol. 

Love EMxxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Deebi, Hanna, ecomama, Learn to fly ans everyone….🤗..

Thank you all for your very caring posts..

I think you would know why I asked my late husband that question as others here would….even though he was a narcissist and hurt me beyond words…I still loved him…still do and miss him….I don’t think many people would understand my words or feelings…..

Their is only one support agency in town….and as they have said….I am okay to be back into the community on my own, plus their are lots of people on their waiting list….

Every Friday, my boss* rings me with instructions for me to carry out over my 2 days volunteer work…..On Monday I tell the workers what I’ve been told and pass on to them what they need to do…..the workers  ignore my instructions and do the complete opposite at times or do what they want to do…..This causes me to feel so insecure, stupid and unworthy of my position within the shop….I can’t insist they do want I’m told to tell them to do, because they are volunteering their time….Silly I know but this hurts me so deeply…in a way I’m thinking it’s triggering memories of all the years that I haven’t be worthy of any opinions…..My former support worker used to tell me to leave….how easy that would be for me to do…..I did leave early last year and got deeper into depression after only a couple of weeks…..I am now isolating myself for 5 days…without Monday and Tuesday I will have no reason to leave my house ever….I’m not sure how much longer I can mentally manage these two days….Their are no other volunteer jobs around my town, except at the arboretum and unfortunately, because of my arthritic back, bursitis etc….I am not fit enough to volunteer their…My former support worker looked into that for me…

The thread is called….”Pets got to love them”…

I am gathering little ornaments for my terrarium….will set them out first, then place plants around them….I think that’s the best way to go about doing on…only guessing really.

Hoping you all have a nice day….today is sunny…I am going to try my hardest to sit outside today…

Big bbff love, care and kind thoughts 24/7 dearest Deebi..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💙🦋🌹🧸🤗.with warm hugs.🤗🤗..

My love, care and hugs to everyone…❤️💕🌹🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy…🕊🌱🌿🌴..

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy

 I just had a talk with an old friend of mine in the city who was a volunteer for a long time, she has heaps of experience!  OK, here is her advice:

1.  These women are not there for the work, they volunteer at the Op Shop for the social connection and chit chat.  You're right, you can't force them to work, they are not being paid.  Accept they will never be great workers!  You can tell them you would REALLY APPRECIATE it if they could carry out the things you ask, but you need to understand mostly it won't get done. They know they can walk out anytime. You need to keep them, so accept they may not always do what you want.  Don't sweat over it - you can only ask, you can't force them.

Can the other supervisor tell them directly, or via a notice in writing, of what she wants done?  This would be better than you having to tell them.  She needs to tell them directly, not expect you to do it for her.  Suggest she tries a more direct method - explain to her you do ask them, but they will not cooperate.

The other supervisor can't compel you to carry out things either - you could leave and then they are stuck again without experienced volunteers - remember they need you and can't order you to do something.  You're a volunteer too!

Don't get down/depressed/upset about them or yourself - volunteers are in it for a social time and to get out of the house - you can't expect them to work like paid employees.  Ask them pleasantly, tell them you'd appreciate their help, thank them when they do help you.  Explain to the other supervisor that you do your best and can do no more.

Remember young women now are more assertive, but we are from the generations that were told not to speak up, to behave and do what we were told - very different times to now.  Also, you would have learned to keep the peace around your husband for your sake and the children's.  Don't expect to suddenly be able to change yourself!

I hope this helps Grandy - wise words I think - my friend is in her 90s.  Big hugs.

These ladies have worked out you are not very assertive and know they can get around you.  We are the age that grew up with "don't speak until you are spoken to"- you can't expect yourself to be an assertive person.  Don't be so hard on yourself!  Not everyone can be assertive.  It's enough to be kind.

[Hanna3]

Grandy, I had to edit that post as it was over the word length, but with the new system I didn't know by how much it was over - so it got hashed up a bit I'm sorry.  Basically my friend said you can't make them, they don't want to do it, they probably have worked out they can get away with it, you shouldn't feel down about yourself as not everyone can be assertive, we weren't brought up to be that way either - and the other supervisor should be telling them, not you.  Ask her to assist you if need be.  Remember you are all valuable to the op shop,  Accept the ladies will do only so much - do ask them as pleasantly as possible (I;m sure you already do!) and thank them when they manage to do the right thing, but try not to get upset when they don't do it.  You are all only volunteers, nobody is paying you to do this.  You do it to help the charity, help poor people, and to get out of the house and mix with other people - all good and important reasons to volunteer!  Your supervisor can't expect too much from you either - is she maybe expecting you to do more than you have to for her?  So just explain they won't do it, and can she ask them directly - perhaps they will listen more to her.  Maybe tell her you are not the assertive/aggressive type and are not going to change - you have never been like that.

I do hope you continue - I don't agree with your support worker about giving up - she probably has no idea what it's like to spend all the time alone in the house with only your furs.  It's really important for you to have this time out, to socialize - for your mental health and well being.  You are doing so well, you don't give yourself enough credit Grandy!  hugs xoxoxo

[ecomama]

Hello Grandy, yeah totally agree with every word Hanna said and more so... stuff what the Supervisor says you HAVE to make other VOLUNTEERS do. What IS that attitude? 

YOU are a Volunteer! 

If they EXPECT specific tasks to be done within a time limit then they need to PAY people. 

I read what you wrote and was pretty well gobsmacked about the expectations of you and the others. 

The fact you all turned up and manned the shop (so it could open for business) would be enough for me. 
I would KISS your feet turning up to volunteer. 

I have a Supervisory role too Grandy but it's a paid one. I've been in these roles for over 30y and I was very uncomfortable TELLING people what to do. It's not "me" (no matter how I appear online hahaha). 
Instead I see myself as a facilitator. 

"Boss" is a top down approach. 
"Facilitator" is a bottom up approach. 
These are virtually OPPOSITE approaches. 

Your skills at SUPPORTING people with love, empathy and understanding are phenomenal! 
Connecting with people IRL is what you crave to fill the emptiness and loneliness. Is this true? 

I'd connect with these workers no matter what they're level is and just have fun! 
Make friends, share things and create a safe environment where they feel they can share with you too. 

Working within our "circle of influence" is far more powerful than focusing on controlling the sectors of our lives at work and at home. 

Love you Grandy! You are AWESOME! 
EMxxxx

[Hanna3]

PS, Grandy:  I was already on the phone to my friend when I saw your post - she's trying to adopt a little rescue dog, we were talking about that - & then I said I had a friend on a forum who had this problem with volunteers - and my elderly friend gave a nice chuckle and said "They're volunteers, they won't do the work!" She volunteered in aged care for years and years.  Do remember it's so good for you to get out for a couple of days - you're very conscientious - but remember the others might not be so conscientious and that's OK - they do help the charity - maybe they are good at talking with customers, or helping them choose clothes - they may have other skills.  Try not to judge them too much - older women all need to get out and mix with some company - getting older isn't easy and lots of people are lonely - maybe they help lonely customers by chatting with them?  That might be more important sometimes.  

Try to be less hard on yourself - you are doing the best you can - living alone can be tough (I know!) - try to be gentle on yourself and on these ladies.  And thank you for all your volunteer work with the charity, it is much needed in these difficult and expensive times dear Grandy! 

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Hanna,

Thank you so much for your very informative post…and your support…

I understand that they are their for more of a social outing…and that’s good for them…They deserve to have an outing with friends……About the only thing I do ask of them is…to not send good summer clothes….especially new ones with tags…and to not price and put things in the shop…..Brand new clothes are being sent overseas for clothing markets instead of being kept for our shop….That’s all I have been asking for the past few weeks….When the sent bags are opened at the warehouse, (which has our shop name and date it was packed on them)….it comes back to me….

The prices they are putting on the clothes are in the wrong colour code plus overpriced…..Prices are set up by the conference and shareholders…We have 2 people who were taught about the shops pricing and they price clothes and things weekly to go into the shop…and racks of priced clothes are left out back for restocking the shop when it gets low…..

I don’t know anymore Hanna…It’s all too confusing…..I wish life was easier…and not so complicated….

Thank you for the hugs….hugs back to your dear friend..

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hi dear bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone ☺

Ahh darl that makes your time at work hard lovey. Geez they're sposed to be working not doing as they choose. Makes me mad that they're not doing as they should and that it's downing you 🤗 It'd be good but I dont know if you'd feel comfortable asking the supervisor to step in and she went strange too eh. I'm sorry you're feeling that sort of pressure huns. Sounds like you're the only one that gives a hoot. At least you can walk out with your head high lovely one.

You have reasons that you love hubby. And reasons to question him and his actions grr. I'll leave it there for now darlin ☺🤗

Grandy it sounds really lovely the terrarium and it sounds like you've some good ideas how to go about it. Yip eco moss is lovely. I like grandfathers beard too if youse have seen that it's sorta same or similar. 

Dear Grandy love I miss you too...every day you're in my thoughts and imagination. I envisage us together chatting away and dear Mr 😍 us all being happy in each others company.  

You know hun beasty wants us thinking we're not worthy but we are dear Grandy geez I wish you could see what we do. A kind caring gentle beautiful lady. I think when we start sticking up for ourselves is the beginning to healing. That rotten to the core other voice doesn't know anything. It's just a weak beast.

You're a beautiful person I love you so very much sweet lady and have so much comfort in our beautiful loving friendship. PubAok darlin sss. YAdimh dear friend. Besty of besties 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🍫🌞🍰

[demonblaster]

Hey darlin I just replied but cant see the post anywhere so I'll keep an eye out for it. 

Really love you Grandy darlin you're never far from my thoughts my girl. 

👩‍❤️‍👩💜🍫🤗