Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Yeah DB, I could do with someone to talk to as well, not really good but ok, I guess.

GG

[white knight]

I DIDNT NOTICE

Take a stroll and see the trees

pondering on life what could have been

the memories always tear us apart

walking with dread till well after dark

And as that door shuts again

I think about all that dwelling pain

That took my heart away - distain

What I missed on my path of ongoing pain

I didn't notice the buzzing of the bees

that took the nectar below my knees

and nor did I notice the magpie child

Calling for more and more so wild

I didn't smell the air so crisp

nor follow a plane in the gentle mist

and had I focused and took a rest

you never know...an eagles nest

And the kookas how they laugh at me

And Robins flitter so gently

Those ducks with young under their wings

Rosellas with colours as if they sing

Observe and notice no need to think

No talk to others just a wink

And then there is happiness in just one smile

nature and love all the while

When I walk out of here next time

My mumbles will be full of rhyme

I'll notice more forest than those trees

And the bumble bees below my knees

For this life is love I made it so

Open arms then the love just flows

nature is love, even the crows

It doesn't stop, love is born to grow

Blend into the wild as you soak up the sun

Your middle life has just begun

Notice the forest and love the trees

and the nectar and the bees below your knees....

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Tony,

Thank you very much.. You have a wonderful way of placing your words in such meaniful and magical order to write beautiful poetry, that always brings me a little peace.

Not sure why but you always post them at the right time, when I'm in need of some kind of contact with people.

Kindness only Tony.

GG

[Ggrand]

Hi DB,

I am sorry DB, I've replied to late..

Im so darn emotionally over the top today, got that trapped feeling again. I couldn't sleep so I sat on my front veranda really early still dark, sat their waited and watched the sunrise, it was beautiful.

I made an agreement with my GP on Friday, that I wouldn't drive my car, after dark, or if feeling really down. Once I make an agreement or say I will or will not do something I keep my word. I don't like dishonesty,

I made a promise to me today that at around 5.30pm on Christmas Day I would drive up to the top end of town with mindful tape and just sit and watch the sunset, around 2 hours it takes for sun to set. I felt I could do it this morning but now just thinking about it makes me uncertain if I can do it.

I know this will shock a lot of people reading what I'm about to say..., but... big breaths, um..well, yeah, been thinking what's easier to live with, abusive ex or me now with Major anxiety/depression/ptds. Yeah, at least with ex I felt like I was living, real hell, , but I had fight in me I had hope....like I am now just getting through daily, not feeling like I'm living. just going day by day no fight in me anymore...What is their for tomorrow, I will still be here on my own, struggling to find out who I am. Then what, does the magic fairy wave her wand and heal me? No,!,.. does it get better, will I be able to go out and be comfortable, like window shop, or just sit in a cafe on my own and order a coffee, say hello to a stranger, I don't know, I really can't see that in me. What will I accomplish? Will I be stuck with these 4 walls always?.....I was just about to delete this...but no I'll post it because these are some of my thoughts today....... I'm ok so don't worry, just really emotional.

well it's taken over an hour to write this out, post or no post, I guess you will find out if you read this.

DB I hope your doing ok, you said near normal, but more sleep needed, grab the sleep when the time is right, day or night get it when you can hun. Sleep keeps us strong, you don't deserve this, your such a gentle a soul, 💫💐🌟

{L & C}. Kindness only, ❤️

GG.

[demonblaster]

Good keep doing that Grandy, let it out and yeah takes sooo long aye but you stuck with it and did it. Win

When you watch the sunrise, I'm there in passenger seat holding your hand. I saw it this morning too, bloody peace it was magic

Emotional control Grandy that's what'll get us through

I hate your life, love you, don't let go of my hand ok.

(((L&C souls)))

Slowly getting there,...are we there yet? got another arvo sleep, walked got lost sun was going down a bit, littles yikes occasionally but self talked out of them

[White_Rose]

Dear Karen

You have so much strength and you cannot see it. Look at the posts you write, especially on your own thread. So much openness about your life and the difficulties you face. This not the profile of a loser. It is the profile of a gentle and caring woman who has been badly treated.

Now you are healing. It doesn't happen overnight and sometimes it feels we take one step forward and two steps back. Like a wound on your body which slowly heals from the bottom until one day the final scab falls off. This where you are. The healing has started and will continue, as the saying goes, in fits and starts. Never forget your wounds are getting better.

I have no idea what your psychologist is thinking when she tries to get you to talk about those things you want to keep hidden. What is important is that you trust her. Do you feel you trust her? If so keep going. It will hurt to bring the pain to the surface but when you can see it clearly you can understand why it has had this dreadful effect on you.

It may be that getting this major wound starting to heal that many of your other hurts will also start healing. You are spending so much time being afraid to even mention what is going on. And every time you remember you re-live the pain. Would you like the pain to go? Silly question isn't it? Who wants to live with hurt this bad. You will need lots of support so perhaps ask the psych how much support she can offer between consultations. My lovely GP was one of my supports and I saw her quite often. Now she has left the practice my psychiatrist has moved me from fortnightly appointments to weekly meetings.

Ask the psych if she can offer more frequent appointments. Disclosure is good but you need support while it is happening. Use the BB helpline if there is no one around. I think I have suggested the Suicide Callback Service. Don't be put off by the name, they are really great people to talk to. 1300 659 467 or look at their web site. www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au I believe they have online counselling which is worth checking out. They are amazing.

I wish you a safe and blessed Christmas.

Mary

[quirkywords]

GG

Mary wrote such a moving post to you that expresses in a much more articulate way that I can, what I wanted to say. I want to echo what she said.

Mary sums it up in her words, "You have so much strength and you cannot see it."

Thanks for being so honest with your posts that shows incredible strength to be prepared to be so vulnerable.

I am thinking of you and hope you find some of the peace you are looking for.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[demonblaster]

Daghhh answered last night Grandy but hasn't gone through yet

Hope you got some better sleep last night hun

[demonblaster]

Hey 🙂
Do ya feel like some loud dancy music, let it rip dances, few drinks, hugs ,talking, laughing, letting it loose., walk, watch the stars, anything

Here with ya

Ooops looks like post did land sometime, didn't see it. Sorry mods or whoever

[Ggrand]

Hello DB, Mary, Quirky, Tony, (everyone else).

Thank you Mary......for your kind post, you always have such good advise and wise knowledge, I listen and take it in. The healing process as you mentioned is slow to slow, I could handle that and have patience, but it's this hurt that's going along with the healing does it have to be so painful as well?

Quirky......, Thank you for your visit, I always enjoy your visit. I want so much to find some Peace, but it's hiding somewhere, I'm sure if peace wants to be found it will find me.

DB,.....Hope you get the sleep you so much need as well as the deep release you need, 😘🤗😴😴💝

Sometimes they take a while to come through, don't stress about it, its okay, it will arrive soon, Christmas time makes for slow mail... I don't know...., im just lost atm, im just curled up on the lounge today, the beast once again stole a perfectly good day away from me again.

To all those reading, posting, listening that won't be on BB Christmas Day, I really want to wish a peaceful beautiful and calm day for you all, with lots of love and good wishes only..

Kind thoughts, 🌟🌟🎅🏻✨🎅🏻

GG.