Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand · ‎05-08-2017

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

demonblaster · ‎12-12-2017

Dear Grandy

You're exhausted, very hard to fight it all or challenge in this state.

I'm interested in hearing more about Pauls (Blondguy) acceptance approach, open to hearing other techniques, at this stage & it is working for me fighting & thinking about it all is helping, but what if we work on some other strategy to get you such desparately needed sleep, to get some strength back

Also trying though late to get couple hrs, tried too distraction concentrating on breathing but nah so had sleepers, HAVE to start getting more. Holding up but not caught up yet

Although its getting hotter was thinking for STARTS is a hot bath to relax the body if not shower before bed. Body tightens,heat relaxes

Other thoughts trying to allow the body by focusing when in bed how comfy you feel & resigning yourself to slumber, feeling it relax. Yeah difficult, thoughts continue, with redirection to feeling good about relaxing into to a good restful sleep.

Darlin lady beasty wants you giving up, you don't, not letting you lady G ☺

Truly understand this pain & desparation for different reasons.

You are a survivor & WILL get through, sleeps the biggy atm

I'll look at your other thread when i catch up on couple of my others, feel bit guilty but learning slowly how to manage it all,but maybe thumbs up rather than comment cause it'll stress you more?

We (many others behind you cause you're magic that you dont think... YET) will get you outta this hole hun. If we don't believe can't see it being done

What if you want to say does psych say for coping or dealing strategies.

Be safe honey hey how was Op shop today & agree ? said crying if needed is ok, people realise you're hurting & might be able to help & support. Hard in public I know esp grieving did it often but beats holding it in.

You're beautiful Grandy you deserve peace

🤗

Ggrand · ‎13-12-2017

Hello DB, WK, Mary,

Thank you all so very much for your kind, thoughtful and encouraging words,

I just needed to let you know. I read them.

GG.

quirkywords · ‎13-12-2017

GG

I hope you are proud of all the lovely compassionate posts you have written to help others. I have watched you progress and I know this years has not been easy but you keep going on one step at at a time. I always smile when I see your name. I like reading your updates.

Quirky

Ggrand · ‎13-12-2017

Hello

What I need right now, is for someone just to put there arms me, you know a warm, caring hug, then hold me for a couple of minutes or even a minute, and say to me, everything is ok and so will you be....So hard to get yourself up, when you only have you at home..

GG.

Peppermintbach · ‎13-12-2017

Hi GG,

I know you’re hurting. I know you’re tired. I know you’re feeling very lonely. I know you’re holding on but barely...

I too wish you had someone by your side to hug, comfort and sooth you. How nurturing and ressuring that would be.

I realise virtual hugs can’t compare to physical hugs but if you’re comfortable with it...I’m offering to wrap my arms around you for a very long and very squishy hug.

I hope you feel the hug from where you are now...

“...everything is ok and so will you be. “

Pepper xoxo

white knight · ‎13-12-2017

Hi Grandy

Cyber hug. There is nothing anyone can do for loneliness.

But I will post one of my very early poems about a single man I met in 1982 and wrote this about him in 1995

BLUEY THE DRIFTER

I stopped for a spell at Taggerty

To feed my engine some slime

A clinker noise distracted me

A sight bestow before me, before my time

The old drifter steered his wagon

It was like a gypsy's van

Working his horse to stop

Then he alighted- this vagabond man

As he rested his filly "Dame"

Finally he stared into my eyes

"I've ben on the road thirty years" he cried

"since mi wife of a diamond died"

He said "what's the point in floggin' ya guts

To keep up with neighbour Jim

In the brick wall of Melbourne town

I hitched up ol' Dame and left him"

"You see, I saw life as a lonely trail

With the sun settin' down in the west

I've travelled Australia and made some mates

Now I sit on the journey's crest"

But "family" I cried, "you must have a child

or brother or sister or same"

He boiled a billy and lit up a fag

Then pointed at his filly "Dame"

I left Bluey to drift into the sunset

After I took years to say goodbye

A tear for old Bluey the drifter

- but ol' Bluey's eyes were dry....

Ggrand · ‎14-12-2017

Hello , WhitKnight, DB.

Thank you, really nicely written,

WH, its more human contact, someone to talk about my fears, what I'm thinking about, how I'm feeling. Just everyday conversation, not so much loneliness but companionship.

Last night I went out for a drive, I couldn't stay here, I had to get away from here, it was late, really late, after I posted on my thread, so after midnight. I drove until I got to tired to drive, then finding a side track drove in then sat there, until the sun came up. While I was just sitting there crying, I mean crocodile tears.... I took out a pen and writing pad I have in my glove box. I wrote a letter, the last letter I would ever write. "The Letter" to whoever was interested.i didn't care, I'm impulsive, not a planner, when things are just to much any more...... I have the letter here with me... It's so hard to fight this urge, it's getting harder and boring itself deeper inside not just my mind but my soul as well. Ok I did fight it off again, but it's only time before I can't fight it anymore....Im home with my letter, have been now a couple of hours,, maybe I will burn it, or throw it away, maybe I will keep it...I don't know yet, but I need to do something that will physically wear me down..I'm going outside, I'm going to mow the lawns, it will take around 3 hours, I need to feel something other then what I have been feeling,,... after the lawns, I hopefully have calmed down enough and I'll ring physh.

GG.

Peppermintbach · ‎14-12-2017

Lovely GG,

The desperation resounds in your post. Your words leak pain and torment..

I am so glad your survival instinct found its way to the surface. It saved you...or at least physically as the mental anguish must be so still be loud right now.

I totally agree with you that sometimes a physical change of environment is needed. There have been many, many times where I thought that “I can’t do this any longer” the past couple of months. Side note: I am safe.

But the point is physically removing myself from one environment and immersing myself in another helped me. So if I was home, I would go to the shopping centre, a park, an unfamiliar suburb, art gallery, etc, etc. I guess what I’m trying to say is “I hear you.”

Yes, keep mowing the lawn if that keeps you going. I’m so glad you’re calling your psych...

I feel perhaps as broken hearted, hurt and erratic as you are feeling now, can I suggest that you consider hospital?

Or perhaps calling the mental health crisis line for your state?

I really want to see you get through this and survive and maybe one day, even thrive. I know thriving might seem impossible for you now but maybe one day. Let’s just survive for now. Minute by minute...

I feel for you and care deeply for you.

Sending many hugs your way. I hope you can feel the care behind them.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

quirkywords · ‎14-12-2017

GG

Your post touched me so deeply.

Pepper has written a very caring post.

I wish I could just use a magic wand and help you but life is not like but there are things you can do as Pepper has mentioned .

I really value your compassion for others and I am concerned and care for you.

Changing environments can help and I hope the mowing works for you.

I am glad you will ring your pysch and can tell him exactly how you are feeling.

Quirkyx

White_Rose · ‎14-12-2017

Dear GG

Like everyone else I am so sad you are in such a bad place. I know the desperation you feel and the desire to leave the pain behind. You desperately need a life line to hold on to.

Have I given you this number before? It's the 24/7 helpline for the Suicide Call Back Service. 1300 659 467. They are marvellous people to talk to and know what it feels like. They will help you, just give them a chance. Please don't be put off by the name, the people there are highly trained and can arrange phone therapy for you. This service is there to help those who are thinking about ending their lives.

Have you spoken with your psych? Cannot remember if it is psychiatrist or psychologist. Please make them understand you are in an unsafe position and really need their help. If you can get no help please go to your hospital ER or phone 000 for an ambulance.

Mowing the grass is a good idea and any other physical activities. The exercise involved will release hormones that will help you but they won't be there for ever. So please make some more substantial plans. Have a list of people you can call and their phone numbers. Include BB and the Suicide Call Back, plus any friends or relatives that care about you. Add the names of your sons, they will help you. It is vital you have someone with you.

Think of some activities you can do to keep yourself from these horrible thoughts. I don't know if you enjoy art in any form. Many people find those mindfulness colouring books good to use. I have tried them and find I really need to concentrate on what I am doing. TV and reading are not usually helpful. Too much trigger stuff on TV and books need you to concentrate on following the story. It's different to the colouring in.

Weeding the garden, sitting outside with a cuppa and enjoying the view, deciding how to redecorate your home. Doesn't have been sensible if it gives you pleasure. Do you have any pets? A puppy can be the most loving companion and you need to spend time on walks and bathing it etc which is good.

I am trying to come up with a variety of suggestions because I don't want you to go away. Your life will get better and you will look back and see how much pain you were enduring and how you moved past that dreadful time.

Please keep in touch here because we are all anxious about you.

Mary