Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hi WhiteKnight,

Im pleased I was a distraction for you.

I don't usually worry about sleep, when I'm tired and restful I can sleep ok, the time I go to sleep depends on when I'm ready to do so, no set time, more a body clock kind of thing. I think that my problem for the last few nights was, trying to sleep to shut out my thoughts, you are right my mind is like a racing car, anyway, the more I tried to sleep, the more my mind yelled at me to listen to it. even playing music,meditation tapes trying to hard to listen, not taking anything in, it was just adding fuel to my fired up mind. I slept a few hours last night and do feel better. Usually that's all I need.

Im hearing you and doing what you suggest about distraction, when my minds fired up I do use distraction,and it works until I stop. Finding something that I like to do that will keep me busy for a couple of hours is something I'm looking for, I have been making a list of things I might enjoy and so far can't get interested in anything, Not having any me time before, no interests, is making it difficult, but I will find something. I know there something that I will think of. Then boom, I'm away.

I like that......"moss doesn't grow on a rolling stone"..I haven't heard that for a long time. How true is that statement.

Thank you WhiteKnight,

Kind thought for you WH.

GG🌈🦋🤗

[Doolhof]

Hi GG,

Just found your chat regarding the Op Shop. I do enjoy all aspects of the shop, the serving, the sorting, playing with toys and kids, chatting with people, tidying up the shelves and so.

One lady was testing my patience towards the end of the day yesterday. I think maybe she forgot she was in an Op Shop and was demanding I find her all kinds of things. Would have been okay if we were in a department store! I asked another volunteer to help me as this lady was starting to freak me out with her rudeness.

One of the volunteers had a gorgeous grandson, her daughter in law brings him into the shop just so we can all say hello to him and cuddle him. How lovely is that!

You could try again out the front of the shop, maybe just sorting out the goodies on the racks and chatting with people without having to serve them.

I had one lady drag her child away from me when I was talking to her, so now I ask the parents first if I can chat. I understand the stranger danger and parental rules, people could be a bit nicer about it at times though.

I like to say hello to people as they walk into the store if I am around. Some of them seem really startled by the fact I greet them cheerfully. There are benefits to that as well, yesterday a really gorgeous looking guy came in, I greeted him like I do others and we had a lovely chat for a while about the weather. His smile was worth a million dollars.

Makes me smile to myself now as I think of it. Ha. Ha.

Cheers from Dools

[Ggrand]

Hi Doolhof,

How are today? Hope your mind is peaceful.

I don't really know how to explain the way I feel about volunteering at Vinnies, Most days it's okay, other days no I don't want to be there, depends on my mindspot I suppose. There has been some really unusual and unique items that has passed through my hands, A few months ago 4 beautiful original Aboriginal paintings came in. We tried to find and contact the donor, without success, we then put them away for safe keeping for a month, hoping owners would come back, they didn't so they were donated to a local museum.

Dools, I really don't think I can go out front again, just reading the suggestion ( I know your trying to help, not your fault honey). I closed my iPad off, really dont want to know about that part of the shop. I'm not brave. Still finding it very hard to interact with people.

Our shop has 2 workers out front and 2 workers outback. I keep to myself, as much as I can, the other workers know I have MH problems, A number of times I just completely lost my control and went to the loo to cry, The other 3 workers were coming in to wash their hands for lunch one day and seen me. They asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. They haven't brought it up since.

one worker brought her great granddaughters in about 6 months ago, first time I seen them. 2&4 so cute, she brings them in every 4th Tuesday. I made a little corner up with toys for them to play in when they visit. They are shy greatgrandma said, they don't talk to the other workers. The last few times they come in, they run straight out back, (awe crying now).calling my name, there little arms open wide, they run to me and give me the best cuddle ever. Greatgrandma is still surprised they do this. Needless to say I enjoy the 4th Tuesday I'm there.

Sorry i "talked" to much.

Have a lovely day today Dools,

kind thought for you,

GG🌈🦋💐🤗

[startingnew]

Hello dear Grand

Ihavent read all your thread but id like to join the lovley support crew you have here to help get you through some of this stuff.

Isee you have pepper and DB and lots of the champs which is fantastic. Ill try and catch up thr best i can until then sitting with you ❤

[white knight]

Hi Grandy

As you painted the picture if those children in your shop with the toys ...yes, those moments are the ones we should dwell on more.

My wife does internet jigsaws. Every evening we watch TV and I'll be on this forum and she has her tablet mounted in an arm doing her internet jigsaw or games. Every now and then she'll show me her finished jigsaw.

Having the tv going as well, it crams the mind.

You have an amazing kind soul Grandy. Thats why we live, to spread that goodwill.

Have a good day

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hello WhiteKnight,

Jigsaws, now that's something I would never have thought of. Thank you so much WK, I was just sitting here after cleaning my home, still more to do. I know I am doing the wrong thing atm because I'm hurting, but I'm not finished yet, need to do some more now, so I'm getting up again to finish this off.. then I will I will have a look and download some really soon. This will be interesting doing them, I used to like doing them before, I forgotten about them. Silly me.

Thank you for your kind words, and your kindness.

Kind thought,GG.

[White_Rose]

Hello Ggrand

I am new to this thread and have had a quick look at the previous posts. My problem is I find it difficult to absorb all the information in one hit so please bear with me (and tell me) if I get it wrong.

You have some lovely people here to talk to and I can see you are quite comfortable with them. That's great. I also see you have many days where you feel you cannot do anything. Yes, been there. It is so frustrating to find our lives are subject to this wretched depression and anxiety. If I have read you aright you see several MH professionals. How is that going? It's distressing that we have to go through so much pain to reach the peace with ourselves we need.

I think anyone who has experienced severe depression knows the turmoil it can bring. This is where we can get help from psychiatrists and psychologists. Talking about those devastating moments in the past and reliving them is a big ask. I notice one psych arranged three back to back sessions with you. It must have very hard and also scary.

It's when we take it a bit at a time that it becomes more manageable. It also takes a long time but is worth it for the peace and satisfaction it brings. Anyone who goes on this journey is very brave. We may feel we are not doing much or not succeeding enough but if you occasionally look back you can see how far you have come. You are brave just by starting, many people do not get this far and that makes me sad.

Here at BB and on this forum you have many people to hold your hand, even though it is metaphorically. It is helpful and gives you extra strength to make the next step and the next and the next. I said looking back occasionally helps you to see how far you have come. Try not to look too far forward as this can be discouraging. Be like the person walking home at night with one candle to light the way. The candle gives enough light to show two steps ahead and as you walk on there is always enough light to show the way.

I think the people on BB are providing that light for you and it will not disappear. Remember you have left the past and keeping walking in the light. And please excuse me for these metaphors. I find pictures are easier to follow than words.

Mary

[Ggrand]

Hello White Rose,

You honour me with your visit, thankyou.

You absorb my posts right, I'll try to condense things for you.

when I opened this thread I was so afraid, anxiety eating at me, depressed. With the help of kind caring people I was starting to feel better, but still not able to open up properly . hiding things, not wanting people to know the ugly facts of my life, Then something happened, that I needed to open another thread, when the son I adopted out contacted me, That contact by him, threw me down big time. That's where I opened up and my deep black ugly secrets of my life, just poured out. Taking me to all sorts of dark places, with the black cloud hovering over me,

I have been extremely lucky that I have had some of these lovely people helping me on both threads. I don't use the other thread unless it's to do with my children as parts of my life on that thread is toxic to me and triggers me badly so I stay here.

Three back to back sessions way over the top. After that visit, last Thursday week I had the 2 physiatrists plus MH nurse, I disclosed something to them, one of my ugly secrets. I have weekly visits now physiatrist then 2 days after a phycologist. Don't like going,

I agree it's a long slow hard journey with many steps backwards but if we can go even one step forward.thats good. I'm not looking forward , it's a struggle to make it through each day atm. but I can say that a step forward is a step closer to peace. That's what everyone here on BB forums are seeking and I so hope that everyone does find it.

The volunteers here on the forums have helped me so much, I have been so close a few times, The volunteers are amazing and seem to know the right thing to say when needed to calm a racing mind. Really no words are strong enough to praise them and thank them. They are exceptional people.

I really like to hold hands, sit next to some one, receive soul , they all mean a lot to me, I take them heart.

Thank you once again White Rose for coming here, It means a lot to me.

kind thought,

GG.

[demonblaster]

Dear Grandy

As mentioned im listening but quiet atm till can work through this hurt but occasional posts feel a need to reply & yours is one.

Its 4.30am been sleeping most day need untold more but yeah stirred up atm

So reason im here now is have read most of your thread (bbl for the rest) & please please darlin don't ever think you've let me down or as you've seen others either.

Hun the rot you've been/going through started from early childhood, you've had all those yrs of pain as a constant so you can't be expected to have "over night fix". Down times happen its the nature of the beast, if you can focus on the fact you have good days is major achieves, you're doing something to get that happening thank god for some reprieve aye

You're barely sleeping, mega demon for anyones MH makes it so much harder & weakens us.

Tust me darl you can never let me down, i just feel bad (ok though) for you doin it so hard.

People care about you darl with good reason

"IT" as we know feeds on pain vulnerable times & sleeplessness, powerful yet weak, it feeds on our weakness. We don't so what's stronger

I know you dont see it but others & I see strength courage care,compassion kindess wisdom support & empathy in you.You're lovely is why.

Think the world of you good lady

Please don't listen to that mutt

Deep care sweet 🤗🤗

Bbl xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Ggrand

Thank you for your welcome, it is an honour to talk to you. Like DB I have read your posts elsewhere. Your lovely soul shines through them.

I am so sad for you that at one time in your life you felt it was best to have your son adopted. That must have been an excruciating experience. I don't think you have spoken much about this in your earlier posts here but I had a look at your other post. I hope that's OK with you. I can imagine a secret longing to see your son and feelings of guilt and shame because of the adoption.

Your life has been a series of abuse so no wonder you automatically take the blame for everything that goes wrong. How could your brothers allow you to take the blame for their acts and see you being punished. I am ashamed for their actions. It also shows why you are still taking the blame. The decision to have your son adopted was not really yours but that of your FIL and husband. How dare your FIL make you choose between living with a roof over your and your son's head or living in a car with two young children. To threaten to throw you out if you kept your baby was disgusting.

I do apologise for bringing up your other post and I hope it has not triggered you. When you see your psychiatrist do you talk about this time? And your third son, are you getting on better with him and his family?

It took me 30 years to leave my husband and there was a cost as I slumped into a major depression after a year. There was a point when I thought it would be better to return to him. Then I looked at our lives together and realised I would only return to the same emotional and psychological abuse he had dished out. So I battled on and went through some horrendous times. Being brave isn't the time when you decide to do something about your life, it's when you continue day after day to regain yourself. I think this is where you are at.

You are managing very well if I read the posts correctly. I know you feel you may not appear to be moving forward but you are taking big steps. I think the biggest step you have made is posting on BB and revealing all your sadness, pain and confusion. The second step is accepting help. Although we cannot see each other or talk face to face there is lots of support here. Open up as much as you can to the psychs and remember you are a worthwhile person.

I would like to post here again if that's OK with you.

Mary