A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Demon et al,

You covered a number topics there. Will try to address them now...

1. I won't say exactly what my psychiatrist said, but otherwise there will be people in the world who you will clash with and not worth investing time in. This was a prime example. Yeah... when I said "My psychiatrist was able to make lite of the incident" that is the part I don't want to mention, but it refers to me/investing time etc. But thank you for your concern.

2. My iron (or iron storage) levels are too high. While not calling it haemochromatosis will treat in the same way, via venesection, otherwise known as bloodletting. So I will be seeing the QML people every 2 weeks.

3. Core beliefs are the "because" reasons of why I am not good enough. For example, "I am unimportant" or "I have to do everything perfectly". They are beliefs we have about ourselves, other people and the world. These beliefs are (generally) formed at an early age by what we experienced. The intention is to identify and move shift these beliefs. To challenge these beliefs then look at the opposite. Rather than saying "I am unimportant" change that to "I am meaningful/worthwhile/valuable/important". (You pick the word.)

4. Walking is good for the soul and the body. Sun shining on you? Exercise value! You could almost say it is healing?!?

On that positive note,

Tim

[demonblaster]

👍thanks Wolfy

Best with Iron.

[Music_Freak]

Oh Tim...“et al”...did you have to mention that?! Uni referencing is giving me nightmares, almost, and I can't even work out how to use endnote, am I stupid much or what?!

Anyhoo, back to your posts (sorry I haven't been around, but in uni hell). Bloodletting...gory, but hope it does the trick.

Good old core beliefs...mine have stayed negative. Have to get in before you hear it from others, I guess, not that there's anyone around me 😞 It's hard work trying to turn them around and believing it.

You seem to be so in control with everything - well done and keep it up! I can only dream of faking that far...

[smallwolf]

Quick post here. Had psych session yesterday. Did my homework back to front. Was meant to look at values first then beliefs. Guess what, I looked at beliefs. At least I am ready for the next session. Sort of. The one thing that has me stumped is my need for certainty. Why it is there and where it came from? Could not answer that in the session, so I said that I would do that for homework. Time is limited in these sessions, and I want to get full value. I was thinking about it last night, trying to find answers to these questions. I have made a couple of points in a journal app, but that one wracks my brain!

Tim

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

Need for certainty...i too have this although i am getting better at trying to go with the flow and what will be will be. I think needing to know is part of anxiety? Always wondering 'what if' worrying about possible outcomes (even u realistic ones). I'm interested to hear what your psych says about this.

Thx for the update. Hope your day is a good one.

CMF x

[smallwolf]

From the little I have read it relates to the need to be in control, to have the answer, etc. In my view, this does relate very much to programming and software development. But this is something from uni days onwards. And I cannot think of events from childhood that would create this yet.

Tin

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

I hope you don't mind I'm just popping in to say hello...

and to remind you to take time out for yourself. Your doing a lot of journal work, homework ect for your psych, but I'm wondering if you are also doing something for yourself.

Like sitting outside your favourite cafe and watching people walking past, and what there wearing, shoes, etc.. or how about making a cuppa at home..go outside sit down..Awwee come on shoes off..feel the green grass under your feet...look around at the trees, and see there leaves blowing in the wind..and the warmth of the sun absorbing into your skin making you feel so relaxed...Listening to the birds as their singing and are flickering around the trees and pecking at the grass...and the taste of that yummy cuppa you made.....

Just a gentle reminder Tim, that you need to do something nice for yourself....take gentle care of yourself...

Kind thoughts and caring hugs..xx

Grandy...

[smallwolf]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks for the kind words.

Life is funny. Left to my own devices I could drown in my own thoughts.

Let me tell you about the last couple of days. Yesterday I had a brief chat with a lecturer/ friend about everything and nothing. We will have lunch together next week. Distraction #1. Then today, saw an old friend at college and we had coffee and a long chat. I had lunch with our locum at college. Distraction #2. Then another student I saw at 5pm who I chatted with. Distraction #3.

Tomorrow afternoon I have a venesection, and other blood tests.

My not quite a journal is something to share, show, illustrate. It is a tool from my psych. Takes a while to get used to, but can work if you allow it to. If not here I would write it on paper.

I guess you could call my life a chaotic mess but the jigsaw puzzle that is my life is slowly getting sorted. You are right in needing to take my shoes off. Might try that one tomorrow.

Tim

[smallwolf]

Grandy,

Had some me time today. So I wrote a mini essay for my psych on why I crave certainty and sent to to her. I examined it from both a work perspective and family perspective. I have probably created more sessions for myself after she reads my reply.

Off to the doc now.

Tim

[Ggrand]

Hello Tim,

Im pleased you had some me time....but you turned it into essay time...

Sitting outside, and being a part of the moment without, homework or essay etc...Just you and your thoughts a constant with what you can see, hear, feel, taste and possible a chat with God, is you time....your surrounding is you time....

but well done in completing an essay....proud of you Tim...

You have come a long way since you first posted here....

Please be gentle with yourself...

Kind thoughts and caring hugs..

Grandy,....