A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[PamelaR]

Congratulations SmallWolf on being a Community Champion .... You totally deserve it. Thank you for being there!!

[smallwolf]

Thanks. Probably time for my periodic update.

I have written my Resume but needs tidying up a bit. I rang TAFE to find out what needs to be done etc. Long story short, need to do (?) a Certificate IV in adult education. But there are 2 core subjects to do before even being considered. It's a start. Yet now, after reading a couple of other posts here, I have more or other ideas to play with. These are things I will speak to others about when next week when Uni restarts.

I also wonder if my BTh has altered by way of thinking about others and other things. And in turn (though not directly) altered how I view my current job. It is one of those grey areas that will never really get resolved. All that I know that when my psych sees my chart for the last weeks she will wonder what I have done wrong, despite the mini-milestones. Curse this roller-coaster ride sometimes called life, OR "Oh! to live a normal life". I can dream.

[PamelaR]

Cool. I did a Cert IV in train-the-trainer many moons ago. Hope all goes well with your Cert IV in adult ed.

I highly suspect your participation in the BB forums has changed your thinking (with the help of BTh)

Cursing doesn't really help - or does it?

My question is - what is a normal life?

[Quercus]

Hi Tim aka Wolfy 😊

Just popping by to howl in happiness! So happy you are a CC. Well deserved and I think you will bring a different perspective to the group which is so welcome.

Have you applied for any of the blueVoices activities? I'm working on one lately which has been a huge help to me. The kids go to sleep and when the house is dark and my brain won't let me sleep I work on something that makes me feel better about myself. It's worth a look?

Anyways. Congratulations!

❤nat

[smallwolf]

Pamela,

The "cursing" was used in a metaphoric sense. As for what is a normal life... I will tell you when I find out.

[smallwolf]

Quercus,

You might have to point me in the right direction re the "blueVoices activities" and "and my brain won't let me sleep I work on something that makes me feel better about myself". Before I go go sleep I have to try to empty my brain of any thoughts related to work. For that I have my meditation app.

Thanks again for the kind words.

[CMF]

Congratulation SW on becoming a CC. I love your posts, you're a gentle, thoughtful soul. Good luck with your certificate IV. I have a cert IV in training and assessment and was considering a cert III in education support but something else has come along.

good stuff SW.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi Wolfy

(and a wave to CMF... Will have to look at your thread after that comment 😊).

You know when you log in and click on my account and then blueVoices and it takes you to a screen of available activities you can volunteer for? That's what I meant. I am doing an activity currently that reviews blueVoices generally but there is another that sounds interesting about reviewing the strategy for workplace mental health. Have you had a look? I wondered if that might interest you.

As to keeping busy. Sometimes I just cannot sleep. So rather than sit and stew and worry and generally feel worse I keep my brain busy. Go for a run then write here on the forums. Or if I just can't reply without taking on other's pain I try find something I feel useful doing. So for me lately it has been finishing the BV activity. Once that is done I suppose I'll find something else to help with that makes me feel good.

CMF is right you know. You have a gentle approach and it is very helpful here.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Tim,

I noticed your brand new shiny blue bus badge on another thread 🙂 Well done on your recent CC appointment! Congratulations!

Pepper xoxo

P.S. Just as a loose aside, seeing as Nat commented about taking on posters’ pain...my (unsolicited) opinion is perhaps something to keep in the back of your mind is never try to save people.

I believe in supporting and empathising, yes, but I don’t try to save, fix someone else’s problems or “own” another person’s pain. At most, I can empathise and offer suggestions but that’s it in my opinion.

For me that is key to why I rarely feel overwhelmed by posts, no matter how distressing. Anyway, you’re you (and not me) so maybe that mindset isn’t for you. Make of it what you will...I just thought there is little harm in sharing 🙂

[smallwolf]

Quercus,

Aha. Thanks for the pointer. I know what you mean about not sleeping. Ideas in my head would generally wake me at midnight, or 1am or 2am etc. Writing on this space is as good as meditation at the moment.

Peppermintbach,

You can give me your "(unsolicited) opinion" whenever you want 🙂 For me, that is being honest. I know that I can only support and empathize because I do not have the skills to "save". But I cannot idly sit by and do nothing either. If, in my earlier years, I had techniques to deal with anxiety and depression, I might not be here now. Before my breakdown, I thought that what I was feeling was "normal". Yet it was not. I am also mindful of the amount of junk (apps, books, etc.) on self-help, which is why I try not to recommend anything. If then, someone is new here, if I can provide a little information... If it helps... good. If not... I tried.