A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Hey. Seems like I have been missing is action. Or so it is thought. It has been a time for reflection. Trying to work out things after last session.

Monday... I went to psychologist, and afterwards was feeling down, mainly because I could not answer a couple of questions about myself, which as you know frustrates me. Between then and now, I have also been reflecting on something else which she asked me relating to SI and triggers and work and positives etc. More on that below.

Between then and now I have sort of worked out the answers to those questions, and hope to write an email to her. Well, that is the theory.

Tuesday... In the last couple of days I have been finding resources for one of the lecturers. Also went to lunch yesterday with a couple of old friends. That was good.

Wednesday... Hunting more resources today. The internet connection at college was very average today. ie. It was very temperamental, so even if I wanted to post an update, it would be 50/50 it it made it there.

This is probably something to talk to the psychiatrist about... SI occur when I think about work related stuff. Anxiety as well. The feeling related to anxiety can occur anywhere. That sucks. I walk to the train station to get to college. I listen to music to distract me. That sort of works, unless work items get into my head. And that results in a fleeting flashbacks (in various/different forms) to the dreams I previosuly had. But then if I can switch my mind to my studies, those thoughts disappear. Of course, this does not bode well for my current work, but see how I go in the next day(s) before I see her again.

I will find out about the job next week. No interview yet. Hopefully next week. I have been in frequent contact with the person responsible, but just a waiting game at the moment. People who know I have applied wish me well, both lecturers and students.

[Music_Freak]

Good luck with the job/interview.

Sounds like you've had a busy week, I say it's good to be busy...most of the time 😉

Sometimes it's good to go “missing”. I'm beginning to think I post in my thread too much because no one seems to reply that much 🙂

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

you have had a busy week. Good luck with the job, it's great that you've kept in touch with them and you have many well wishers. I really hope it comes through for you.

cmf x

[smallwolf]

Reflection time... Today was good. I spent day at parents place after what I would describe as an average to bad week. But this also clarified some things about life. But I can't get too hopeful yet. But I do like the suggestion that Birdy posted on CMF's thread for tonight. Though I will probably watch movie in bed.

Since I had been down in the last days despite having taken medication not sure if drugs working or my work was that bad for me? Something to think about.

Next week should be interesting...

I have appointment with head of college re degree and other options, psychiatrist, and hopefully job interview.

Tim

[Birdy77]

Glad today was good Tim 😊

I hope you have a lovely chillaxing Friday evening.

It's really nice to hear what supportive parents you have, it's a real treasure.

Your story is always an inspiration in terms of your quiet determination and you're not afraid of hard work to get better. I always like reading your posts, there is a quietness and humble calm that is very soothing.

Keep going. There's so much ahead for you.

🌻birdy

[demonblaster]

Glad you had a good day Wolfy

All the very best with getting an interview.

Agree with Birdy.

Enjoy your night ☺

[Guest8901]

Dear Tim,

Thanks for your updates on Wednesday and Friday. You seem to have such a good handle on your inner thoughts and what works for you. Quite amazing really.

I dont know what state you live in, but its a long weekend in NSW. I hope you are having some relaxing times with your family. You have a pretty big week coming up I think? Hopefully a job interview.

I agree that, with your SI and anxiety increasing considerably when thinking about work related stuff, it does not bode well for a quick return to work. However, a different job could make a huge difference. Lets hope so.

From reading your updates, it sounds as though your week improved towards the end. Thats progress!

Just wanted to say thanks Tim for being so diligent with maintaining contact with all your long term support members. I know you have limited time with everything else you need to do, and you are dealing with so much yourself on a personal level. So I want you to know that it really means a lot to have you still contributing to my thread. And I'm sure all the other regulars feel the same. Unfortunately there seems to be no time limit on the need for support when it comes to MH. Your advice and support tends to be thought provoking and positive. Something I need, and it's always very much appreciated. Thank you. 💓

Wishing you well. 🌹

Amanda 💜

[smallwolf]

Before I start this post just want to thank all those supporting me. You all know who you are.

Ahhh. The joys of switching medications.... Weaning off one, and starting a new one. Sometimes you have to feel worse before you get better. The change was because of some of the side effects I was getting. They worked initially when it was pumped up to 150mg, but then tracked downwards as far as effectiveness.

Mandy - You said "You seem to have such a good handle on your inner thoughts and what works for you". You would think that. At the moment however I am putting on a really good mask. Had a blood test today. Some stuff the psychiatrist wanted with the GP. I watched as the needle was inserted into my arm, and the blood draining out of my body into their tubes. It was only after I reached Uni and had a chat with a lecturer that the negative thoughts dissipated. Something to take my mind away from where it was. The thoughts I would rate as about 2/10. Just have to push through. My thoughts are dark. But I sort of expected this. Take each day and hour one at a time. And I will get through. Just a passing phase.

On a brighter note... coffee with friend this afternoon. Will be something to look forward to, and will call that my pleasure for the day.

Tim

[smallwolf]

I posted the poem below in the thread titled "Words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom". I pasted it here so that you would not have go to the other thread. The author's name is at the bottom. It spoke to me, or was someone talking to me. It's a reminder that I am not alone. And despite all the gray and blackness I might (or am) experience/ing there is hope. I was actually going to paste onto FB, but then I thought that everyone who sees it might get to see inside me for a minute. I didn't really want that. At the same time, it sums up me (as "you"). This is day 2 of changing medications. Time for lunch do homework for the psychologist.

When darkness overtakes you.
I won't leave you alone.
I will come and find you,
bring you safely home.
You'll feel my hand clasping yours
in the gathering gloom.
I'll follow you in the darkness.
Never fear, my love.
I will always follow you.

- John Mark Green

[PamelaR]

Hello dear Tim

You are so right. You are not alone!

We are all here for you. Walking through the beautiful pathways to comfort you as you work towards your new self. Holding your hand in comfort.

All the very kindest thoughts

pamelaR