A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Thanks again.

I got an email today that 1/2 through the day I am still thinking about. The worst of it is that I know the thoughts are irrational, but they make themselves appear so real and believable. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by it all, with stomach in knots, heart beating rapidly, etc. So I was crying again today, and it frustrates me greatly that my head get these thoughts that I KNOW are wrong and I have difficulty explaining to boss what is happening. He knows I see a psych, not necessarily the depths I get to though. I even did a visual guided meditation, but that was not overly successful today.

I had to help "A" (wife) write and email to someone who is responsible for the swimming club. She was laying it on the line to the other person, as in not holding back, but I had to read it to ensure that was not inflammatory and otherwise logical.

I feel a bit better after writing this down. I am also thinking of you guys (and gals) also. We could whisk ourselves off to a fantasy land of .....

[PamelaR]

Hello SmallWolf (wave to others)

Good on getting a task list going. Helps hey. I do one every now and then. Glad you enjoyed dinner at your parents. Always good. Used to love visiting my in-laws for dinner.

Certainly having a day. I empathise totally with you Tim. I know all about those stories you tell to yourself. I do it all the time!! You may have read elsewhere, that's my homework for this fortnight - i.e. have a look at me, my self perceptions, where did they come from, replace them with 'logical' ones. Hard work is an understatement. Think my anxiety levels have risen 2 fold since last Thursday.

Good to hear A has written an email to the swimming club. Let's hope all gets settled.

Writing is a good release. I have a stack of journals that I must destroy one day.

A bit of fantasy land helps to get out of the mind for awhile ... be silly. It's okay being silly sometimes.

[Guest8901]

Dear Tim,

I havent visited you here before, although I read some of your earlier posts I think. Anyway I should have been here before, because you have been such a constant support to me over the past couple of months.

I see you've had a difficult past week or so. I'm really sorry to hear that. But thrilled that you have plenty of admirers here. A good bunch of people aye?

Anyway I dont have much to say right now. I will read back a bit before I make any rash statements. But I will keep an eye on how you're doing from now on.

Wishing you well. And no, no gems from me either.

Amanda

[smallwolf]

Mandy,

Saying hello is sometimes enough.

On my job... I only do it now to pay the bills etc. There is no joy in it anymore.

Studies... Between everything else I had no time. I thought I could juggle it in. But I was wrong.

Swimming club... One word. Toxic. My kids are in the national squad and getting royally screwed.

I am going to have to put a resume into TAFE teaching. I need to regain my life. Rather than rolling from one disaster to the next.

There is a song by Judas priest called angel and the opening line is something like

Angel,Put sad wings around me now. Protect me from this world of sin. So that we can rise again

You are all my angels.

[smallwolf]

Today was slightly better than yesterday. Well, it couldn't get worse. Now just looking forward to Easter.

Stupid outlook on phone now shows me how many unread emails I received over night. I was able to turn off notifications, but it does everything it can to tell me to read them. It like it wants to invade my very being, slowly destroying me.

Anyway, see what tomorrow brings. One more day to go. Think positive thoughts. Might have to visit my healing pool in Grandy's thread... Well I know it back to front.

[PamelaR]

Sounds good Tim. Nice you are slightly better than yesterday and Easter is just around the corner.

Re emails on phones - I've turned mail off on my phone, i.e I deleted the app! It is invasive and I never got a rest. So much better, however do find myself wanting to know if there are any emails...Silly hey.

Enjoy Grand's healing pool. Great place to visit. You're doing so well Tim. Big hugs.

[blondguy]

Hello Tim

I understand what you are saying about cellphones as to me they are an electronic dog collar....mainly because I have always had one for work since 1990...28 years ago lol

I hope you dont mind me saying that you are a wonderful father and always will be. We have spoken before and I see a person that is doing everything they can for his family

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Guest8901]

Morning Tim,

So nice to hear from you overnight, and that yesterday was a better day than the day before. And I hope the healing pool you created on Karen's thread improved things even further for you.

Sorry to read that your job has become just something which puts money on the family table for you, and done without any enjoyment. As work is such a large part of our lives, its important that you gain something from it. So when will you put your resume into TAFE?

Its a shame you had to drop your Greek studies, it sounds as though you enjoyed it. And you were getting great marks from it too. Perhaps its something you can pick up again at a later date?

Sorry to hear that Swimming Club is such a toxic environment. Obviously you and A are in it because of your children, and the love of the sport. By the way, your kids must be exceptionally good to be in the National squad. I expect you're family will all be waiting with great anticipation for the upcoming Commonwealth Games on the Gold Coast. Starts next Wednesday with the opening ceremony. I like all sports actually, so will definitely be watching with great enjoyment.

I dont do email on my mobile phone, and so I dont get any notifications at all. I find mobile phones intrusive, but sadly a necessary evil these days.

Last day before Easter. Hope its a better one for you.

Amanda

[smallwolf]

5 days since last post. Seems like an eternity.

My next psych visit is end of this week. Been a funny last few days. Easter was good? Good Friday service. Working Bee on Sat morning. Went to AFL on Sat afternoon. Dinner at brother's place on Sun evening. In the midst of all that, "A" finds out that she no longer gets certain emails for swimming club, and no longer update the web site. If the members of the committee did not want "A" to do it anymore, would have been easier to tell her that just changing passwords. When she looked at the clubs web site her name had been removed from the contacts list. This part was crap cause I had work out what happened that day with email access. I was able to setup access to what she used to have on home laptop. So rather than doing something which I would consider productive I had to deal with that, when they could have saved me time by telling "A" she was no longer needed. The idiocy of committee is beyond comprehension. And then Sun evening, I get the emails from work of things to attend to. As though I dont have enough on my plate already.

But the emails at end of weekend still get to me. Today, I would consider as a bad day. Grumpy when I woke up. Grumpy through out the day. With an extremely short trigger to internal anger. And I don't want to take that out on the family in arguing - it is not their fault.

The posts I made on other threads earlier today were just as much for me as they were for the owner of that thread. For example, the continuation of the story (?) of the rock, as much as it wrote it for Mandy, it was also a note to myself.

Anyway to end on an up-beat moment... Will call TAFE in the next 2 days to find out what they are looking for in a resume. My job is slowly killing me. And I deserve better.

[PamelaR]

Absolutely Tim, you do deserve better!! Good luck with your pursuit of work with TAFE! You are so driven and committed, I can see you achieving what you set out to do.

Apart from that, I must say you've had a difficult Easter. While you had some great days, the ongoing saga of the swimming club is dragging you down.Heart goes out to you.

I do really like your analogy with a rock. A rock will always be there, is sturdy, steadfast and reliable. (Unless of course someone comes along and moves it. Sorry. Not trying to make light of your pain).

Easter for me had it's ups and down. Great photography of Friday with friends out west, sick on Saturday and Sunday, recovery on Monday. Though I did do some editing of pics on Saturday while feeling awful.

You do deserve better - you are a lovely man. Holding hands with you to help get you through your difficult times. ✋

Kind regards

PamelaR