A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[Doolhof]

Hi Smallwolf,

Don't you just hare it when stuff piles up, you want to have the energy and strength o deal with stuff but it all feels too overwhelming, so our silly minds decide it is too much and start to shut down or go into over drive!

Hope you manage to find a sense of balance in all that is happening for you and others around you.

Maybe sometimes it doesn't hurt to let people know you are not feeling so great, they may be able to help you, listen to what you have to say or they may also run away not knowing what to do or say.

Getting stuff off your mind can be very beneficial.

Sounds like there is a bit happening at the swimming club. Can you see any resolution to the problems there?

Hope you catch up with your study okay. I am presently doing a course on line that my Employment lady set up for me. Some days I feel like throwing the computer out the window as I am so overwhelmed...and I haven't even turned the darn thing on yet! Ha. Ha.

Some days I need to practice some deep breathing and positive thinking before I start. I didn't do too well with that yesterday, but today is another day so I can try again.

Wishing you well, hope you find a balance and also hope stuff settles at the swim club.

Cheers from Dools

[smallwolf]

Pamela / Dools,

Thanks for the kind words and poem. (I think had read/heard of a similar poem.)

The first wolf in that poem is angry and hates the world, and fights with the world whereas the second is a more loving and caring. There should be a third wolf that is sulks around feeling miserable but does not have the capacity to shout out at the world. Oh, to be the second wolf.

Just on my name... it is a same that I use(d) in online games... part geographical, part psychological. when games are played in different time zones such as Europe vs USA when I played the worlds population was small, and was mostly running solo. When it came to difficult contents it was hard to group up, and other players would look down on players asking for help. You could feel like you were alone in an online world, despite the fact that it was an MMORPG. Things have changed a lot over time. But it was my escape from the real world. So the name is similar to feeling as a small cub foraging for food in a cold online world.

On the swim club... yeah there are drama there, which I hope were resolved one way or the other last night. Cannot really go into details but my concern there was more for mental state of the coach and what they had to put up with from others which IMO amounted to bullying etc. Ultimately, it became a case of “He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.” (Tolkien) with people trying to run a club with no knowledge of operation and then blaming someone else.

Yesterday "A" was crying (she told me why) and I was sad for her and a had couple of tears for her. But for everything else appear devoid of emotion. I just do what I have to do and then move on. But my psych also wants me to acknowledge the small wins in each day. I have said it before and will say it again... I do not think that people should have to suffer or get the depths that I have been. So I have the ability or capacity to help then I will.

Dools - good on you re the online course... not sure how, but if you had any PC related questions you can ask me... somehow.

I did get to Ed Sherren last night. It was a new experience for the kids. They did not know what to expect really, and did not appreciate the opening acts. Didn't know all the songs, but that was actually a fun escape, while it lasted.

[PamelaR]

Hi Smallwolf (I do love that name)

The concept of a third wolf is not beyond the realms of possibilities. In fact, I'm imagining you could easily write a poem to include the 3rd one. Perhaps emphasising it's struggles. You have such talent.

Wow, I'm really impressed with your international internet games. I'm in awe because I love playing computer games - but in solitude (any games that does not involve another human. It can involve a computer). It says something about my level of trust I think. I also use games to procrastinate, to alleviate anxiety (huh!!), boredom and to zone out (dissociate).

Sounds like the Swim Club needs to elect some new members. Members who know what swimming, the club and the rules are all about. Good luck with that one.

I have been to the depths you talk about and I think that's why I too like to help people here on BB forums. I never want to go there again. Pretty sure I've pulled myself through, though it's a continuous battle to stay on the right side.

I'm sure you not devoid of emotion - I would hazard a guess you are disassociating so it's not to painful for you. I see it in my husband all the time. He is caring and loving, but I see his eyes close over at times when my pain is too much for him to bear. That is all okay. Who wants my pain. He has his own to deal with.

Pleased Ed Sherran was some fun and your kids began to appreciate him. Maybe you can find more 'fun' concerts / park outings??

Thank you for being such a wonderful peer and support.

[smallwolf]

Pamela,

Things are a little crazy in my neck of the woods. And TIRED. And I had to drop out of Greek. I spoke to Mum about it last night... she said ti made sense. Everything is coming to a head at the moment. That is end of the season for the swimming club, and I look at the all the nominations for that. In the last weeks I have been helping "A" and committee (with the issues at the swim club and) which went down like a lead balloon. Wife and kids more important at the moment.

So those issues among others have meant that I have not been able to spend adequate time preparing for Greek. I will continue learning it but in own time with pressures of learning 20 words a week.

'Hopeless, Forlorn, Without Grace'
it cried as I feed it more.
'Alone, Down cast, then Efface'
Paws cover eyes, Whimpering on the floor.

[Doolhof]

Dear Smallwolf,

On the floor you may be

Battling demons invading your mind

Remember you are not alone

People you have never met care.

Covering you with a warm blanket

Curl up for a while and rest

Feel the hurt and the pain

Then believe life can get better.

It is tough, darn tough

It can be done

Fight through the pain

Until you reach the other side.

Thinking of you in your darkness and hoping you find the light again.

Hugs from Dools

[PamelaR]

Dear Smallwolf

Awww, you are feeling low. Dools idea of a comforting blanket sounds peaceful.

Making the decision about Greek, must have been difficult. Pleased you had your mum to help you work through that. So good to hear you are making decisions that help you! You are there for so many. You are important too.

You know, I've always found stepping back hard myself. When I worked I was frequently given the opportunity to fill in for the manager when she was away. But I had to cease accepting the opportunities because my anxiety would inevitably spiral downwards. It was the additional pressure my body, mind and soul couldn't take.

So, I see this for you - you helping sort the swimming club issues, supporting A, dealing with customers/clients who need a brain transplant (sorry, that's not very nice of me) are all really high input. Then to add the something for yourself, the Greek, just adds another straw. I really like your idea about learning 20 words a week. Sounds good.

Dools, love your poem. Very apt I think SM.

PamelaR

[smallwolf]

Thanks for your support guys and gals...

Slight relief with dropping Greek and have a little time to do other things - even 1/2 playing LOTRO to take mind off things.

The swimming club issues are what they are. But I feel the need to support those who are "hurting" because of what has been/is happening. One of those things that could be scenario to appear in the honesty/truth discussion. And, IMO, there needs to be some closure to address the injustices that have caused the current problems.

Went to parents place for dinner last night. That was good. Will catch up with them again over Easter.

Have been making list of accomplishments for each day. But still have that flat feeling today. Need to find that tool to move me from the grey zone.

[smallwolf]

Ahh DB. That actually brought a smile to my face 🙂

[Ggrand]

Good Morning Smallwolf,

Im just calling in to check on you and let you know I care,

Im sorry you were feeling flat yesterday,I think it nice to spend time with parents and have dinner with them.

Well done on making a list of accomplishments to do, take your time it's the list, even one accomplishment i a well done.

Today would be a good day to take time out for yourself, maybe a coffee in the cafe, or just going outside and feeling the day, the sun warming your skin, listening and watching to the birds, take in the scent of the autumn air, just to tune in with this big beautiful universe might and I hope will add a little light for your day today.

Kind thoughts,

Karen.....Grandy

[Music_Freak]

Just reading up on this and popping in to say hi.

I wish I could take away your gloom, it would be nice to be able to do that, wouldn't it?

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hope that things improve for you soon, like they seem to have for me...sort of...(fingers crossed, touch wood etc etc) 🙂

We're all here to listen