A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

Thank you for your hug the other day on my thread, you are only one of two men that I am comfortable taking a hug off.

You are very smart with your mind, I admire you for that, my mind is okay with everyday things but expanding outwards from that is impossible..Well don with your Greek, Pentateuch and Chinese..

Rich versus Happiness, No rocket science here, Happiness please, Money might get you material things in life, but the things that are important, family, love, well to me money has no place in and can't make them happen..

I just wanted to pop in to say your post meant a lot to me, I was really was really in to deep at the scared part of the tunnel, but with the help of people that care I'm heading the way I want to..

I visited the two special places you gave me..I appreciate them, more then you realise.🌲

Kindness only,

Grandy..

[smallwolf]

Oh Grandy, your kind words bring a tear to my eyes. My only motivation in my posts and sending you to these fantasy places is so that you and others don't have to go into the deep recesses of our minds that mine take me to, even if the circumstances are different.

I thank you that you can trust me also.

My daughter had to do an assessment on a poem by William Blake called chimney sweepers. It is actually an anti-church piece In addition to speaking against social injustice, but she saw it as a offering hope and freedom through the angel.

We all deserve to be able to live the life we were intended. Some of us have to go around road blocks at get in the way. But with the help o f our own angel we will also achieve the freedom we were meant to have.

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf, Music Freak,

MF, I can relate so much to your feeling of loneliness, I agree with you it's so unbearable, I go 6 days out of 7 with seeing or speaking to anyone, sometime all I want to do is runaway from the loneliness to a quiet place with no one there, I know this might sound strange, sometimes I feel crowded in with me and want to runaway from me.. I would miss you Music, I don't post in your thread because I feel inadequate at times, but I do see you around and certainly would miss you.. You are important here BB, you add valuable insight and help a lot of people..

smallwolf....I seem to go down and very deep quite quickly, it's unbelievable how fast it can happen, my triggers are many and I haven't learnt how to stop them from triggering high emotions from happening..So those little oasis's you've gifted me are visited quite often by me, I hope to see you there some day but as a happy, joyous, peaceful person, just there to sit with feet in the water and relaxing with a look and feel of serenity surrounding you..

I hope your daughter does well with her assignment, with the poem Chimney Sweep..

Smallwolf, just a thought.. are we living our lives the way we are now, as it is intended for us? ..I think we are meant to live through the hell dished up for us, but I don't know why..

If I didn't have the hellish life I had, someone else would have been assigned to live my life..Everything in life has a reason and purpose, so if my circumstances were different, ( had a good life) , it would have changed that particular ripple in this dimension or era and caused a lot of other people's life to be different also.. What do you think Smallwolf. Are we living the way we are meant to be living the life given to us..

Kindness always.

Grandy.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Smallwolf,

Thanks for your supportive words on my thread, now I found your thread, will read along and maybe add some things if I can. Hope u had a good weekend.

[smallwolf]

An interesting question you pose... And you are talking about predestination here in some regards.

In some ways I would say yes and other cases no.

My breakdown has changed me in many ways. My life was somewhat insular before. You are going to learn a little more about my life here.

Last year I was doing discernment. A process of determining whether I might be suitable to become a priest. I believed I had a calling. And others saw something in me that suggested this. Anyway, Iwas told that I was not ready, and the reason was people skills. In hindsight I probably said a couple of things that would not have gone down well. Things like the church is too bureaucratic.

If I were to be perfectly honest (where are you Q) I think the church could do a lot more to help those with MH problems. In providing support, home visits, etc. Rather than helping those in need, it became a business.

Coming here then opened my eyes. I have also seen the effects of bullying to the point of attempted suicide. This should not happen in our civilized world. We can fly to the moon but can't support one another. So if I had a new goal in life it would be to help organisations like BB here in helping others not get to the place I went to. People are more important than computers. There are days I want to disappear.

But if this is all predestination then my and your lives are already planned out. And there are a lot of issues that come with this theory. Not least of which is why is suffering allowed? Leave that to the next post.

[smallwolf]

In case not obvious from recent posts... at home, working, alone, and heading towards depression again. that roller coaster of emotions.

[Birdy77]

Hi Tim,

I just got that vibe from yiu when i saw the song you quoted to express your feelings.

We're here for you Wolfy.

This rollercoaster is a rough ride isn't it. Like those ones from the 80s at luna park or whatevs. It rattles you and throws you every which way and gives you whiplash.

We're on the ride with you.

You are heard.

You are cared for.

Share more as much as you like.

🌻 birdy

[smallwolf]

Another trip on the roller coaster...

Got results from last Greek test. Got 4.75/5. Woot!

Then at night had swimming club matters to deal with x2, and then see Skype message and email from customer. Should I have responded to it or not? Anyway, I did. And still a trigger.

Time for sleep. Hopefully writing this down will get it out of my head.

My daylio charts look worse than the map a tour dear France race in the Alps. One day I would like to be normal

[Music_Freak]

Ggrand, I can relate to the feeling of inadequacy with posting. I feel like that a lot too here, sometimes I even avoid posting in my own thread! Thank you for saying you would miss me 🙂

Wolfy, I hope you managed to sleep. It's now 2am and I'm still awake, so sleep meds may be needed for me tomorrow. I would like to be normal one day too, but what is normal? I'm not really sure myself...I guess being free from mental illness would be a starting point for me.

Music for me is about the sound I think. I also find that I seem to be drawn to a relatable message in the lyrics somewhat, not that there has to be one. Sometimes I just want to forget and tap my feet and fingers to a beat.

I wouldn't know how to go about starting a support group...brain is blank on that one, or maybe it is just the wee morning hour fog

[Pelia]

Hi smallwolf

Hope your sleep is ok after writing things down

You support me on my thread and I just found your story sorry didn't read thru in details (mind wouldn't let me) but want to quickly say hi and thank you and give some encourage back...

Isn't that scary when you can see your self falling back to depression again when you try to get out... it's like a black hole that's sucking you in...

i m not sleeping tonight at least I don't have to "wake up" feeling scared of another day...

take care