A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Grandy,

Thanks.

Feeling bad at the moment. Stuff at the kid's swimming club is turning ugly. Lots of BS going on between certain individuals. Why can't it be simpler.

My psych wants me to rate my weekly activities but I am not enthusiastic about anything at the moment.

2 steps forward, 2 steps back.

Have penteuech this morning. See how that goes. Missed the class last week, on account I turned up at the wrong time.

Wishing I could just disappear sometimes

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

I read with sadness your post as you seem to be doing it hard atm..

I hope things work out at the swimming club and things can be sorted out reasonably quickly and without to much drama...

Penteuech, do you do bible studies, if I can remember properly, or is this the Greek your learning..

Dissapearing is good if we do so into a magical land and then reappear when we are more at ease with ourselives..You are needed and wanted here to much for you to disappear for to long..

I hope your day is better then yesterday,

Please be gentle with yourself Smallwolf.

Kindness only,

Grandy

[Doolhof]

Hi Smallwolf and Everyone,

Great to see so many people here chatting with each other, offering encouragement and sharing.

Hey smallwolf, wouldn't it be wonderful if adults could play nicely with each other. Hope the issues at the swimmi9ng club sort themselves out. Sounds like someone needs a bit of a dunking! (Did I really suggest that! Ha. Ha. Yes I did.)

Regarding the dark poems, if the moderators think they are too dark, they may suggest you modify them a little. There is certainly no harm in you writing them out for your own self regardless. Like people say, getting the stuff out of your head is very beneficial.

Life can suck at times, the thing is to try and look for the good bits as well, even if the good is a tiny percentage of the rubbish, it is still there and can be added on to.

Yesterday I took myself out for a drive and felt like I had been on a mini holiday. It was wonderful! Doing something different and willing to accept a sense of change can help.

When the mess comes back down on our heads again, hopefully we can shake ourselves off, get up and try again.

Hand in there everyone!

Cheers from Dools

[smallwolf]

This is my first poem. What it feels like when alone with my thoughts in my office.

Sadness and Worry

It is not night, nor day
Living in the land of grey
There is no warm sun
A cold thick fog
Where flowers wither and decay

A man cries out for relief
Feels left to dry and hanging high
Wonders Where is my guide
The one who would comfort me
Silence was the reply

Sadness and Worry,
His true companions
Following his every move
Like shadows he cannot remove
Reminding him what he cannot do

His life seems all gloom,
A life undone,
Foever searching,
He cannot find the sun

[demonblaster]

Very well expressed Wolfy.

We'll find the light

[smallwolf]

Grandy,

Pent. is a subject that looks at the first 5 book in the bible otherwise know as Torah, and is part of the BTh. I probably won't do anything with the degree as such. My thoughts are too radical (?) for the church! There are things they do badly and too much like a business these days. And if were to be serious, if I have a "calling" it would be to help those on the margins of society. And I think I could do more there and here outside. This could include talking about MH issues, among other things/topics. It is part relief from the work and I find it interesting. (On a side there is a professor at some Uni in the UK who is a Biblical lecturer and is an atheist.) I find the Old Testament more interesting that New Testament. And you have to put things into context in order to understand them. And in case you were curious, I am not a fundamentalist, and prefer to look at things critically and ask (the wrong) questions. And I am doing 2 subjects this semester... Pent. is one, and the other is Greek.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

[Guest_4091]

I'm in the same boat as you mate.

I'm a 28 year old (graduate) software engineer who has dealt with a lifetime of bullying and harassment from people in this country who are Luddites and technophobes. My obsession with computers when I was younger made me a massive target for bullying.

I suffer daily from crippling loneliness and depression, despite doing everything in my power (changing myself physically, putting myself out there) to attract a female companion.

These days I've kind of accepted my loneliness and am somewhat happy to just be a bitter, but rich and successful male. At least until the pangs of loneliness come back.

This is our cross to bear for guys like us, but the burden is too great. Why should we have to be so prolific just to come even close to some semblance of happiness?

[smallwolf]

Interesting re the bullying? In the 80s if you worked with PCs you were considered in league with the devil.

You mention about loneliness vs being rich and bitter. Money - that depends on where you live also. I guess it depends on whether the $$$ is enough to cover the loneliness. Loneliness is only one factor. Throw in anxiety and depression and you have a dangerous cocktail. When abuse makes you question your own sense of worth. That you break down in phone calls because of a voice in your head tells you that you suck or because of a statement from a customer. That you have no one to bounce ideas off. No one to problem solve with.

The loneliness acts as a multiplier to all of these. Am I suicidal? Probably yes. Have I ever acted on such thoughts? No. Mental health is far more important to me than anything else because the alternative is a no win for everyone. That is for work for family and myself.

Let me mull over your question tonight.

[Music_Freak]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels constantly lonely here at BB...it's gets unbearable at times 😞 mixed with my anxiety and depresion... oh, I just want to disappear...it's not like anyone would miss me, I no longer talk to family and have no friends

As for being rich and successful helping, I'm not so sure, money means we have the freedom to do, but I'm not sure it makes us happy and content

[smallwolf]

Hi Music_Freak,

Glad you could pop over to my little hobbit hole. Almost as good as real visitor. Today after making the kids breakfast, had a quick chat to Mum (I was procrastinating) before doing some Greek and then helping daughter with her Chinese assignment. Still need to do some work on my Pentateuch assignment today. Lots to do still.

Wife has to see someone after work (who she is supporting emotionally). But me.... A day where I just feel empty... AGAIN.

On the idea of rich vs happiness. I would rather happiness. I worked that out a long time ago. Still looking for it. Money can buy you car, boat or whatever, but that does not really fill the void in the life, or the emptiness inside you once that initial satisfaction wears off.

Tell me then... what do look for in your music? the sound? the message? is it the anger? angst?

Me... well I have not listened to any today yet. Maybe that is why I am feeling blue?

I was going to put this into your thread, but if there are no social groups in your area... maybe you could start/create one? My wife did this when we had our first child - they would meet up weekly to support each other. Food for thought. Hoping that one of my ideas might stick and work for you. You are also important ... to me at least, and the rest of the community. Stay Strong.