A Common Story?

smallwolf · ‎12-12-2017

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

smallwolf · ‎27-02-2018

Last post (?) for the night...

Don't worry about the IT stuff. Suffice to say that customers and dealers have different views on how software should function. If it does not how they want, they consider it broken. And the forbid it if you want to charge to meet their needs!

Regarding Greek. In short I am learning Biblical Greek which is different to modern Greek and I believe slightly different to classical Greek. The subject is part of a BTh - something I was/am doing for 'fun'. To give you an idea of why it might be useful. In english we use the word 'love' for all types of love. In Greek there is eros (as in erotic love) vs agape ("the highest form of love, charity" which is all giving type of love) and there is also Philia, (or deep friendship) etc. In English texts, the meaning of the word can get lost. That is why it is useful to know a little Greek... well that is what I think.

Mentally... its a battle... I get annoyed very quickly, or judge myself negatively to quickly. Still taking the scenic route! 🙂

Things I like... reading, movies, extreme metal, my studies, food, and helping others.

PamelaR · ‎27-02-2018

Smallwolf

Just to clarify, my comment about problem solving had nothing to do with the computer problems people come to you with. I had read that before in your other posts.

The problem as I see it is how you solve the problems - i.e. you do it on your own and at home with no one to bounce ideas or work through the issues.

Good to hear you get out to meet people and enjoy your Greek and training programmers and support staff. Does it provide the satisfaction you are wanting from work and leisure?

Seen any good movies recently? What type of food do you like?

PamelaR · ‎28-02-2018

Hi Grandy (wave 👋 to Smallwolf)

Hey, I don't know what I'm talking about, I just pretend sometimes. That's the way you get through. When I was younger, in my 20s I used to admit when I didn't know something. But I learnt from people, perhaps that isn't the best way of approaching things. Anyway I do know a little about computers - basics too. I've just worked in a job that needed me to use one all day long.

Grandy, I find your input to these posts are absolutely valuable. You know so much and help so much, you know where to find information to share with others. Everyone has different skill basis. I love how you can converse so easily. My writing has been shaped by the studies I did at uni and the work I've done for a long time. So I don't feel I communicate very well and say the wrong things so easily. We all have our different strengths.

Maybe that's what is needed in this thread - someone who knows the ropes around here and is very much a people's person. You remember to say things like - be kind to yourself. That is so good.

Can we go for a walk along the beach tomorrow to collect some shells? I love that. I have a house that has a couple of bowls full of shells collected over a long time.

Be kind to yourself Grandy. (See I'm learning from you)

Hugs

PamelaR

BTW - sorry to hear about how people treated you after you closed your shop.

Ggrand · ‎28-02-2018

Hello Smallwolf, Pamela & all.

Smallwolf, I find it great that you can learn another language, my husband was European as was his parents, I tried to learn there language, so I could understand what was being said when they talked together, rude they (hubby & fil). spoke their language when they knew English so well. I commend you for having the patience and want, to learn.

Pamela, A lot of my posts get deleted before I post them because when I read others posts I think I have nothing to offer as I only speak from experience and don't have the knowledge that others has...When I read your, Smallwolf, Tony's, Paul's ..oh and just about everyone on BB to me I can't offer no where near as much help as you all and the way you word it all, way above the way I do..

I can't pretend to know things I don't know, because I know I will say the wrong thing and caught out so I just let people know I don't know what there talking about..

I think a walk along the beach and collecting little treasures is a brilliant idea, although I would have to travel by helicopter 🚁. to get their and back home in one day,

I hope everyone has woken up to this brand new day with a little bit of peace.

Please look after and Care for yourselves..

Grandy 👼

smallwolf · ‎28-02-2018

GGrand,

I posted this onto your thread, but since the comment was from here.. I wanted to make sure you got the message, in a nice way 🙂 It makes me sad when I read this...

When I read your, Smallwolf, Tony's, Paul's ..oh and just about everyone on BB to me I can't offer no where near as much help as you all and the way you word it all, way above the way I do..

Tears came to me eyes because you really dont know how kind and giving you can be! I saw the poem you put onto the Mandy's thread. Your writing here shows that you and do offer help. Poetry is art, and can invoke a thousand images in the mind of the reader or listener.

Suggest you might want to read that (or other) poems(s) and insert your own name. You are a real treasure to this community.

Ggrand · ‎28-02-2018

Hello Smallwolf, 🐺.

I'm really sorry that I made you upset, That wasn't my intention. Please forgive me.

Grandy👼

smallwolf · ‎28-02-2018

GGrand,

they were not tears of sadness. I don't really know what they were tears of to be honest. But you connected with my inner self in a way that only certain songs can! Its all good!

Tim

Ggrand · ‎28-02-2018

Dear Smallwolf🐺.

Thank you for saying that and also for your reassurance.

Im a lover of Fantasy Movies, ex: Dinotopia, Hobbits, Lord of the rings, Avatar etc, Music, credence, Eric Clapton, black sabbath, Santana Robin Trowel,Simon &Garfunkel, late 60-70s music,..Love helping people, but can't speak f2f, so BB Forum only..

Kindness only,

Grandy👼

smallwolf · ‎01-03-2018

Grandy,

I also like fantasy movies, provided the plot and dialog is good. I have seen the Hobbit movies and Lord of the Rings. Last movie I saw was with my wife. We saw "The Post". Before that I saw "Star Wars" (guilty pleasure) and "Dunkirk". I like most types of movies provided there is a good story, got acting etc.

Musically... You rock it! Just on Black Sabbath... My intro to metal was Ozzy in the 1980s and then Sabbath (newer stuff) and back into the earlier stuff. Some of their stuff was political and social commentary. But people get/got caught up on the name and imagery. And I love Simon & Garfunkel! Music for me is like my movie selection... I like songs with a message, but they also have to sound good, yadda yadda.

Spoke to support guy last night... feeling frustrated... AGAIN! Then today, started with an email regarding some problem I had to deal with. Down a bit further. Got half of it sorted. Now waiting for another program to fix the other side (which is a 3rd party component we have source code to) and let her finish it off. Felt a bit better after I got my part done. And there is also a "plan B" in case the 3rd party stuff cannot be fixed.There were 2 other things that I helped support on, for which I received a thank you note (email).

I now just wish the roller coaster of emotions would stop. This going up and down really annoys the crap out of me.

smallwolf · ‎01-03-2018

Yet another update...

Work. Meh. Though did get better throughout the day. Started with an email which I interpreted as needed fixing in 5 min or else. Not sure how my partner in crime went, with the other half...

I am writing this from coffee shop.

Had 2nd Greek lesson today. Confusing, but I'll get there.

The real news is regarding my MRI... Drum roll... While the PSA results are above average, the MRI revealed no problems. It is about 95% accurate - I'll take that any time of the week. Need to have another blood test in 6 months but i can rest easy on that front. While I was wasn't actively thinking about it, i now know that had been playing on my mind, as there is a great weight lifted off my shoulders. And for the moment, away from work and I am actually happy and enjoying the moment.