A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[Doolhof]

Hi smallwolf,

Let it out! Don't hold it in. I find that by writing down the issues I better understand how I react to them. Try and look back at what happened and what you could have done differently to ease the amount of depression, stress and panic you have felt.

Sometimes I believe we take a lot of anxiety and stress on board that we don't need to. Our brains become so used to focusing and working in a highly agitated states when things go wrong, that we always expect to feel that way. We can re-wire how we act and react (so I have been reading).

It takes a little effort and work.

jumping to the wrong conclusion based on incorrect information Hey, that is me so many times! I'm sure a lot of us do this. A person says something and I am either ready to run away or want to fight back. Then I realise I have totally misunderstood what they said.

I find sometimes I just need to stop. Think about what has been done or said and consider how I am going to react and what will the repercussions be to my reaction for myself and others.

Not an easy thing to achieve in the heat of the moment until we practise doing this more often.

At times we need to let things slide. Hope you can find ways to be a little easier on yourself!

Cheers to you from Dools

[smallwolf]

Thanks, the current wave of anxiety/depression is dissipating. To tell you the truth I don't know which it is, except feelings of failure, guilt and emptiness, and wanting to be somewhere else. And yet I fight through it all, and at the end of day, live to fight another day. Failure is not a word in my dictionary fortunately/unfortunately.

Because I am currently training other staff OS, I cannot use my standard coping mechanisms such as getting away from the computer. My issues are mainly related to cognitive disorders and have to learn to deal with these. But between you and me, I am so over life in IT. It is such a thankless task, and everything is your fault...well, that is what the customers tells you. Even if it is not your fault.

Except things to get better in 8 days when I visit the psych next. I look forward to these visits as I can be completely open on how I am feeling.

[Quercus]

Hello Smallwolf,

I hope it is ok that I join in here.

Have you ever visited the 'bouquet for pearls' thread? I left a gift for you there.

Sounds like you have been struggling a bit of late which makes what I am thanking you for even more meaningful in my mind.

Please take care of yourself.

Nat

[Croix]

Dear Smallwolf~

Looks like your day for blow-ins 🙂

The reason I'm here is because I read your account of work with IT, and isolation and thinking of volunteering.

I volunteer a full working week. Half in IT and half with people (the disabled and here of course). They are completely different shapes of endeavor. I can totally relate to your incident with the customer and the missing debug data. IT relies on long (hopefully unbroken) strings of information and takes a logical one-track mind, often by oneself.

Working with people is completely different, less logic, more interaction, more unexpected and hopefully a lot more warmth. I guess in some ways art might be the same, a painting may not be made as a logical sequence.

So I do both, it gives me respite from each, and I'd agree that if you are anything like me it is a very sensible option. Actually when I've been in situations where I've not had a contrast in type of occupation, just the fact of having two at the same time has been of great benefit, each providing a break and sense of proportion from the other.

I'm very glad visits to your psych are such a positive (and hopefully comforting) part of your life. Like you I'm lucky in that respect

Croix

[demonblaster]

Hi smallwolf and everyone 🙂

Sounds like you're having a rough time atm but can see you've had some good cracks of light popping through too esp that you've recently had people contact.

Something I've been playing around with regarding anxiety when I'm unwell has been working to a degree. One thing I suggest is trying not to allow the negative thoughts to take hold which they easily do and are hard to shake. This can be achieved by redirecting your focus on the task at hand, the thoughts still keep surfacing but each time refocus without more thought.

Breathing has helped with that tension in the chest, anxiety I'm guessing, I've been aiming for 5 breaths long and slow in and same out, don't think I've reached 5 yet cause the minds moved on to other things but what I've been doing to start with is only focusing on the breathing nothing else. It's along the same lines as exercising which results in hard breathing and on the out breaths I see as stress being released amongst other chemical reactions.
Somewhere along the line I'm going to work on a bit of meditation incorporated into this like floating in the water completely relaxed, it can't be too complicated cause then hard to focus on everything at once and the breathing I think needs to be the main focus which helps with relaxation.

Glad you've been doing fun things with your wife even with distance, sounds great.

Would be hard being the one being blamed when it's not your fault but the positive in that is you're the one finding the answers and keeping them happy mostly 🙂

Do you get much chance for exercise at all and have you tried meditation. It can be quite simple, just find a place you feel good in might be around the water or amongst nature, fishing, etc and concentrate on feeling completely relaxed and taking it all in feeling the stress leave your body helps.

Take care of yourself smallwolf, you're deserving to be on the bouquet of pearls 🙂
Thankyou for your support

[smallwolf]

Thanks for all the support. It is heartening to read your replies.

Today was OK. But again I am being kept busy so little time for negative thoughts. Will have to see what happens next week when I am back home and Uni starts again.

The anxiety generally hits me out of the blue and takes a couple of days to recover. Now it is just emptiness, as in no emotion. But I have turned the corner for this week at least.

In no particular order... Exercise... Will work that out with wife next week. She has some ideas.

The issues with emails I have is that people come to me to get their proverbial **** out of a sling, and the customer is already upset. CV and if they had of grabbed me before it all but the wall then it might be different. Then I get the follow up email from someone else telling me how important it is, and the consequences if you don't fix it. And after it is fixed there is no thanks. I could go on...

Deep breathing and meditation are almost the same thing for me. Whether it is guided thing in relax melodies, deep breathing, centering prayer, etc., It is concentrating in the present moment and breath.

nat - thank you for your kind words... Again. I don't people to fall down the same hole as me, and if I have some words that might help, I will throw my 2c in.

Have other things to say, but have meeting to attend

[smallwolf]

Writing this from work... First 2 days this week were bad, next 2 were good, today... heading south. Some issues at work that I cannot get out of a brain... customers and politics. so frustrating! I can still accomplish things at work but there is not satisfaction.

Anyway, I thought that I had read a post from Quercus in another thread (I thought it was in the bouquet of flowers thread?), but I cannot find it. I wanted to thank Q and DB for their kind words and encouragement with the volunteering aspect. As I have said elsewhere... I don't want people to feel alone and lost as I do. So if there anything I can reasonably do then I will. I hope that my replies do provide a little ray of sunshine to those I respond to and others.

Thanks for listening.

[demonblaster]

Thank you Wolf but the thanks goes to you 🙂

On top R) of page theres a search bar if you put in bouquet of flowers should get you there

Sorry you're going South again but glad you've had a couple better days.

Do you know anymore about PSA results yet?

Are you in a position to change your work I know you're thinking to look into tafe course soon. Can you talk to anyone to take pressure off at work seems like you cop it hard there when its not your fault would be very frustrating. Seems you're valuable there but you need a break from rot

Hope the exercising regime your nice sounding wife has organised gives you some stress release ☺

Thanks keeping in touch good hearing from you.

Difficult to do but if you can try not to be focusing on how it'll be when you return home because thats reinforcing negative mindset, I hope your trip o/s will give you a lift with change of scenery and people contact.

Do you have hobbies sorry if you've said, hoping you have some things that give you pleasure and be nice to be back with your wife too.

Wonder if you might like going for a walk get you away from house and pc for a while and look around people contact scenery out amongst it.

Best wishes Wolfy ☺

[demonblaster]

Back again

Wolfy if you just search pearls you'll find it

[Quercus]

Hi Wolfy (love that DB I am sold!) and a wave to DB and anyone else visiting.

The post you're looking for has been removed. I'm relieved actually because after I wrote it I realised it was against the rules (putting pressure on another member). Not my intention but I was worried about putting pressure and stress on you regardless.

I'm thankful you chose to see it as the encouragement I meant it to be.

Have you ever tried sending well done/thank you emails to other staff members? I found in some workplaces if I started thanking others for things I appreciated in writing others started doing the same.

It is so easy at work to get stuck in the rut of routine and taking others for granted. But it takes very little effort to show gratitude. Do you think something like this would be taken on at your workplace?

We really do deserve to be recognised for the work we do regardless of whether of if it is serious problem solving like you or graffiti removal and cleaning for me 😊.

Nat