A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Hi. Needed to pop back in again. Feeling blue again. Doing everything my psych tells me but some days wonder if it's worth it. Am I destined to have a miserable life? Some days are ok but these are few and far between.

I think that working from home contributed greatly to how I feel with virtually zero human contact except via phone. That can be the life of a software engineer.

I spoke to my mum on Monday, feeling quite down. I mentioned the above to her... I had read online about the issues of working from home (for the record... 15+ year), such as doing work from coffee shop. I cannot remember the other ideas... But it is the loneliness that kills. Oh, another idea was doing volunteer work for time in week. Mum had previously suggested teaching at TAFE. I cannot see anything getting better staying as I am.

I am scared and don't know what to do.

Even my brother, who I think is much smarter than myself complimented me re my studies and wishes he could do something similar.

Ten-thousand things in my mind. And despite what compliments I might be given I still feel like crap.

Fo what it is worth my mental health plan was reviewed and now have a new one. And in 2 weeks time I have an MRI re PSA tests. This might be weighing on my mind at a sub conscious level. Sorry about the rambling... I figured that if I wrote the this down I might get it out of my head.

[Doolhof]

Hi Smallwolf,

Sorry to read you have had a relapse, not uncommon unfortunately. The thing is to remember what has helped in the past and put some of those things into action when you can.

Connection with people is important, even if you just see them, smile, nod your head or have a brief conversation. Working from a coffee shop now and then might be a good idea. I have heard of people who do that the same time each week, they then get to see other people who may be doing the same thing!

library might be another option.

Volunteering will certainly get you out and about. I have met some wonderful people that way and my volunteering at the Op Shop keeps me going. There are so many options out there as well. I have helped with organisations from "Riding for the disabled" to the local "Country Fire Service" and I knew nothing about either before I joined those groups.

Please excuse my ignorance, but what is a PSA test?

Writing things down certainly helps me! Don't worry about the thought of rambling, that is just your mind trying to work out what is going on. Mine does that too!

Try and do one thing each day that makes you feel better about yourself and life. This morning I went for a walk. I didn't do my usual length walk due to aches and pains, but I was still pleased I attempted my walk and enjoyed the colours in the sunrise.

Cheers for now from Dools

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Relapses... I would think the journey would track a sine wave. While ideally would just track a downward direction, that would be too easy. Provided it moves downward over time that is a good thing. That said, one thing that you don't see in charts and tables are the triggers. And even if it does appear worse it is because I am getting to the root of the problem. For me it is a nasty side effect of working from home and the inability to bounce ideas off others, because there is no one.

I saw my psych on Friday and mentioned all this. Over time there will be changes in my life ... Ie thinking of changing to part time work, volunteer work and TAFE teaching. In fact my psych wants me to seriously look into the teaching. That is my homework before the next session. That and finding things that would be fun. I actually look forward to seeing the psych as she can restore a calmness into my chaotic life. The end result is that if I don't make these changes then nothing will change and I won't get better.

About PSA tests... It is a blood test for prostate cancer. There is a family history of it. And my scores were borderline. And if two results in range of each other then recommendation is to follow up. These factors combined mean a MRI scan to see if there is something or nothing. Again, my scores were borderline so sitting in a grey area. I don't have any (?) symptoms that would suggest I have it. But every so often the thought pops into my head. And every time I have these negative thoughts I have to say thank you to my mind. That is a trick from a book my psych recommended.

Have to go now. Thanks for replying.

[demonblaster]

Hi Smallwolf & Dools

I like your thankyou to the brain and power to you following through. That would be quite a concern re PSA results and yes our brains throw it all at us don't they, I hope you find out more within a reasonable time. All the best with this.

Don't want you to think I've left you Smallwolf, so just letting you know I do care and have been listening.

Not sure when, but I aim to return 🙂

[smallwolf]

On days between visits to the psych, I sometimes need to let off steam and that brings me here. If I don't/didn't it was I was external factors interfere. The fact that you can come and acknowledge my message is as good as a hug - be it a virtual one. Since Friday, it had been good, until part at through Monday when I had to help support with some issues (they created). But I am hopeful for the future, especially an email I got today which indicated I was making real progress. And even as I write this it brings a tear to my eyes.

[Doolhof]

Hi Smallwolf, DB and All,

We all need to feel connected in some way to other humans. It is wonderful that we have this forum where we can connect, communicate, encourage and just listen to what others have to say.

Like you mentioned smallwolf, acknowledgement can make all the difference.

It is great you are learning ideas and tactics from your psych that you can put into practise.

The thought of making changes can be daunting, over whelming or maybe even a bit confusing as to how to proceed. Small steps are good! Having a plan that is achievable helps too.

If you would like a virtual hug smallwolf and you too DB, I have plenty of those to give away!

Cheers all from Dools

[smallwolf]

Dools,

Thanks. I am currently OS for work. At least now I am connecting with people. My greatest fear now is the loneliness when I return - it is a work thing. The telephone discussion ringing with no answer was setting me off also. And my head telling me a customer was ringing to tell me (even though it was not my call) how crappy the software is. Mind games. Some changes at work are pushing the issue under the carpet. Only works for so long. Eg. The phone calls. So things were up and down, anxiety and depression merely replaced with busyness and in reflective moment sinking. Just another something to work on.

Some good news. My psych wants me to do three things before next appointment. One was to be a volunteer. Maybe only a small step, but joined blue voices. It might also give me more confidence to post stuff onto FB about mental illness which is still largely unspoken. I will look into TAFE teaching when I get back next week. I was/am training new programmers last/next week within the company. And my wife and I are working on fun things to do, even if over long distance.

[Doolhof]

Hey smallwof,

All of those things you are going to work on sound excellent. Congratulations for joining Blue Voices! All the best with that. Take small steps in all these ventures and see where they take you!

Hope your wife joins in and enjoys the participating in the fun things to do. My husband is a bit of a "stick in the mud" at times. Ha. Ha. I tried to introduce new and different things into our lives, he didn't like any of the suggestions.

Well actually he did, I suggested we go to the movies one weekend, he said no that was a lousy idea, then he ended up going with a mate and they had dinner out together as well! Now I take myself to the movies! Ha. Ha.

Sometimes it is good to be so busy we don't have time to think about our depression. The thing is to be prepared for when the quieter moments hit and the depression tries to sneak back into our existence!

All the best with all your ventures! Sounds like a great plan.

Cheers for now from Dools

[smallwolf]

Falling again. On my own - at least in my head. At work today I overheard someone talking to sale who said "Oh, we can ask *me* about the setup of the system". I then queried those in the conversation about whether they had written anything down. Well yes, on a sheet of paper that I cannot find. I then ask "Well, cant you look on the PC where the test software was installed?". The reply "Errrrm No... X uninstalled the application". So I have to try to find out what the settings are without telling a customer they were lost! And I feel like it is my fault. I found the settings from some debug files but in my head I have convinced myself that it is all my fault! And even though I am confident the settings I found should be correct, gremlins inside my head convince me otherwise!

I am certain that being busy masks the anxiety and depression that occurs because of this attitude that I will come the rescue. This is totally stupid but that is how the mind (mine) works! These thoughts get worse and worse as the seconds turn into minutes into hours. It was/is not helped by the fact also that the documentation that had been provided to us was incorrect.

I want out.

[smallwolf]

PS. There were other little things that happened in the day that contributed to my current state. Most of these were a result of me jumping to the wrong conclusion based on incorrect information, but between initial correspondence and what I then I am thinking the worst about the program they are trying to use.

Leading to ... Now... A thumping heart, lump in throat. I should be lucky, the chest is not right.

Sorry about the second post... I had to get it out