Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

[Sophie_M]

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you.

This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones.

Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

[Kelly2021]

Hi all . I lost my mum in October, I had been taking care of her for a few months ( an absolute privilege) She was diagnosed with aggressive stomach cancer . My mum then suffered a stroke and had to go into care . I spent every day with her until she passed 9 days later . My mum was in my arms when she past and I am really struggling with this . I see her face every time I close my eyes . To go from taking full time care of my mum to nothing has left me so empty. My only comfort is that my mum really wished to be with my dad who passed 10 years ago . They were married for 55 years . I miss her more and more every day .

[Guest_4643]

Hey Kelly2021, welcome to the forums.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Grandparents in 2013 & 2015 (Mum's parents, Dad's parents passed away before I was born), both from Cancer. I know it's different with a parent, but I understand how hard it is. I'm thinking of you. She's at peace and out of her pain now, and I'm sure she appreciates you looking after her and being there with her in her final moments.

[Matchy69]

Hi Kelly I want to welcome you to these forums like Tayla has and give you my condolences at losing your mother.It must have been so hard losing her the way you did.I lost both my parents to cancer and when my mother was diagnosed I became her full time career for three years and it was very hard for me as she became bed ridden and I was going through a marriage breakup.The day she passed was one of the few days I was not with her.My brother was and she passed with her grandson in her arms.
Give yourself time to grieve properly and do you have someone to talk to and cry to.It is nice to just have someone to listen to.
Take care,
Mark.

[Guest_4643]

I'm sorry to hear that and I'm sorry for your loss Mark

[Kelski]

Hi everyone,

I woke up this morning to a couple of whatsapp messages from my Nana and cousin letting me know my cousin Martin was dead. He was found in a field by a dog walker. He battled with childhood trauma his whole life, he was a heroine addict and for years it’s felt like when, not if this day would come. But now it’s here I feel so helpless because my family is in the Uk and I’m in Aus. I just want to be around them and it’s hard. Thanks for listening.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Kelski

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your cousin Martin, that must have been so very traumatic to read those messages from your family. Even harder as you are not there to comfort one another and be together in this really sad and heartbreaking time.

I am so proud of you for reaching out here to get some of that comfort, I think you can see that there are so many of us experiencing grief and in so many different ways. Please know that there is no book on how to grieve, there are no rules, you take the time that you need and you do what you need to do to make yourself feel even the smallest bit of kindness.

I hope that technology will help you stay in close contact with your family so that you can perhaps see each other via skype or facetime or something like that and somehow be in some way together.

I have lost two very close family members recently and I have found writing was and still is the very best way for me to manage my guilt, and chatting to friends too. I am wondering if you would like to talk about that some more as maybe we can find some ways to help you too.

Huge hugs to you Kelski and I am once again so very sorry for your loss.

Here when you are ready.

Sarah xx

[Kelski]

Hi Sarah,

thank you for your thoughtfulness. I appreciate you encouraging me to show myself some kindness, I feel that’s the hardest thing to do right now. I only got the news this morning so I think I’m deep in shock and denial and anger.
I’m saddened to think he was found in a field in the cold, what a horrible way to die. Not knowing what happened is hard but what’s been harder is how my Mum didn’t really want to talk and left me when I was feeling alone and told her so. That’s angered me.
my partner has been amazing, and I would love to have some FaceTimes and real face time with people who can relate. I’m looking into grief counselling and I’m also looking for friends through this too as o don’t have many here in Aus. Happy to hear your ideas and thoughts on this.
thanks Sarah.
Kel xx

[Aaronsis]

Hi Kel

With the news so fresh and so raw I can only imagine how you are feeling, and then to have no where to go, to be with family or to get comfort from others that knew him also. I have no idea how hard that must be to have them on the other side of the world at a time like this. It was awesome to read that your partner is being so supportive, that is brilliant and just what you need right now, someone to just lift you up or to just sit with you.

There will be a million emotions and sometimes all at once, grief I think is one of the hardest things to manage, as you are trying to make sense of it as well as feel it and then there is guilt and also anger like you said..there are so many things coming at you at once.

It is so hard to think of our loved ones final moments as being so very much less than what they should have had. That to be alone to pass away in a cold field is not what you wanted for him or anyone you love. In saying that I would try not to make up stories in your brain of how he came to be there and how it was he passed until you do get the word from family on how it happened, I know..easier said than done but with so much already going on for you you don't need the extra pain of a story that plays over and over in your head that may actually not be true.

I can see how you are feeling angered by your mother not wanting to spend time with you on the phone. I am thinking that this would be so very hard for her too, and just like you still so new and raw and she is trying to do the best she can I would think too. Maybe knowing her brother or sister has just lost a child was a bit too much for her as she had to ring her child, we just don't know how it effects people. I hear you, you would have loved more time on the phone with her, but maybe in a few days you could try again and she may be better placed to have a more lengthy chat with you.

Grief counselling is one of the best things I have done. While I have since gone back for some other sorts of therapy I did this first. It helped me to process and to understand and to make peace with what I was not able to control as well as deal with some of the guilt. I can not recommend it highly enough to you.

I have mentioned the journaling and I found that awesome too and I also found places like this essentially helped the most, reading how others are coping and what they are going through and also helping them on their journey was so valuable.

Even a bath can help.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Kelski]

Hi Sarah,

I’ve read and re read your message a few times because it’s so thoughtful and right.

I’m taking on board what you said regarding my Mum. Having to console her younger brother must be terrible and I really think she doesn’t know what to do for the best. I’m trying to focus on taking care of myself. Martin’s death was in the paper Friday night, they confirmed he was in the shallow water of the canal, not in a field per se. They aren’t treating it as suspicious, but no word on how he ended up there until next week I assume. The not knowing is tough but I haven’t concerned myself with it too much. My partner continues to be great and I’m booked in for a session with a grief counsellor tomorrow.
Also, I did have a bath as you suggested. To be honest it was the first time I’ve really slowed down since the news and I felt a wash of deep sadness. I’m trying to just let the emotions wash over me, I’m just so tired.
I’ve booked in for a massage Friday too, to try and do something kind for me. Something to look forward to.
all in all, I’m feeling all the things, I’m particularly down this morning, missing my family. I did get out of bed though so that’s a bonus! 🙂 xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Kelski

I am so happy to hear that some of the things that we talked about have helped you, I am wondering how you are feeling today and how things are going for you?

A bath seems sometimes like a silly thing to suggest but it really can help, just the peace and the comfort of the warm water and feeling weightlessness.

Have you been able to chat some more to your mum? I am feeling so deeply for her too, as you said, she possibly does not know what to do either and is going through so many mixed emotions just as you are.

I am sorry to hear that they had reported Martin's death in the paper and with such details too. While it is heartbreaking to read I hope that having some details has stopped the overthinking and rethinking and making up stories in your mind. It is so hard to hear the details but I hope that they have stopped this for you.

I am so very happy to hear that your partner continues to be so very supportive of you, this will make a real difference to your journey. Missing your family would be so very hard so having your partner by your side is wonderful.

Well done for doing small things like getting out of bed, it is so hard when you feel so bad but just doing what you can at this time is all that is required of you. Whatever you can do for you is all that is required, not what anyone else says or thinks..just you.

I hope to chat to you some more and see how you are going and how your family are doing through this time also.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xx