Very difficult day

[Eagle Ray]

Really struggling. Feeling a deep loss in relation to my brother. Our brother-sister relationship has been damaged by his very disturbing partner. I never imagined something like this happening. It feels either our relationship will be destroyed, or he will finally see his partner for the disturbed person she is. But I know if the latter happens it will come close to breaking him and I seriously worry for his mental health which I know is extremely fragile having been his support through earlier breakdowns in his life. I feel like whatever happens there is tremendous pain. I have just had too much of it.

My dear uncle is seriously ill in hospital. He was gradually improving but it’s still a vulnerable situation. He and his family have been so kind to me since the losses in my life of the last few years. I just feel so sad and don’t know if he’ll make it through.

And that and the feeling of the growing distance with my brother who’s my last immediate family member brings up the deep grief of other losses. Dad had a serious degenerative illness. He at least died peacefully but then there were stressful circumstances after his death. Then Mum died in a very distressed state. I absorbed all the stress as her caregiver. She had suffered greatly from trauma-related anxiety and depression all her life.

I tried calling the BB helpline today. I couldn’t answer the quantitative questions they ask you at the beginning. It just pushed my stress through the roof. I then rang Lifeline and the woman there was able just to be present with me and didn’t ask me questions about rating scales of distress which I find impossible to answer. It helped a lot at the time, just the human connection, but I still feel sick with loss and distress and just pushing myself through the motions of existing. I got a card to send to my uncle as he is too ill to be visited. I feel like everything that has held my world together is falling apart. I just feel unbearable grief.

I’m staying near my friend at the moment who is lovely but I don’t want to burden her with how bad I feel as she has a new baby and I don’t want to bring that distressed energy into their lives. I’m so used to protecting everyone else from pain. I don’t know what to do when I’m in this much pain. I’m going to drive down to the ocean I think to try to feel better.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so kindly Croix.

Yesterday I spent about 6 hours in nature, firstly in a forest and then at my favourite place by the ocean. I could feel my nervous system at least partially decompress. I’m in a trauma flashback of fear, grief and distress. But when I’m immersed in nature it really helps. I found many interesting things in rock pools at low tide yesterday, including a sea urchin. It is a relief to be back in my hometown and away from the city.

That quote is beautiful - “You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars”. Nature has always been family to me. It always holds me when I am distressed. I feel connected again there. All things feel like relatives there (and I know are relatives because all life is connected). I saw a huge goanna in the forest. It remained obscured in vegetation so I couldn’t get a good photo. I never try to pursue an animal to get a photo. I just observe for a short time and only photograph them if they choose to make themselves visible, then I quietly move on. Other times an animal comes to visit me while I’m resting somewhere.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I can’t stop involuntary responses happening, so I find all I can do is have awareness of what is happening which at least helps. The somatic work I do with my psychologist really helps as it is about releasing trauma patterns stuck on repeat through completing a process/survival response that never got to happen at the time. The challenge is I have so many multiple traumas. Letting myself feel rather than fighting or suppressing feelings helps for trauma stuff to come out too, and my psychologist also helps with that. She really understands what is happening to me which helps greatly.

 I’m really glad you are getting there with involuntary responses.  I’ve been reflecting on the way trauma sensitises the nervous system and I think that sensitivity can transform from something debilitating into awareness, intuition and wisdom. I feel like that’s what you share on this forum with your sensitive and wise insights. Though I think you would have been a wise walrus in any case.

 I’m in no state to participate in serious threads at the moment but I think it might be good for me to participate in non-serious fun ones. I’m sure thinking of jokes for Worst Joke Wednesday will be good for me, as well as getting up to mischief with MK 🙂 I think I might be feeling a joke emerging now 🤔

Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness Croix.

[mmMekitty]

Hi ER,

I hope you like my 'liberry' jokes on Worst Joke Wednesday. I was only having a thought about how some people say 'li-bear-ree' instead of 'li-brare-ee' & either thought up or remembered jokes I could offer. I enjoyed them, so I hope others will, too. 

I pop into Moonstruck's thread, 'I can't find the right place to post',  sometimes, for serious stufff & for some fun, to break up that serious stuff, hopefully, to give Moon a chuckle & smile. If you have a lot of nervous or anxious energy, I think being able to laugh is a great way to release some of that .

I tend to cover a lot of my nervousness with giggling, which may not be so good as when I do, people tend to not take me seriously ... 

So, working out under what circumstances humour, giggles, jokes & laughter are useful is what I still need to learn.

Having said that, on Moon's thread, I have decided to replace some of Croix's oft placed commas with penguins. Would you like to join me in that endeavour?

It seems to me, ER, that what you are doing with your psychologist is quite intense. I wonder, are you taking enough time between sessions to process what you cover in the session?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear ER

"as well as getting up to mischief with MK"

You leave my iceberg alone or I'll throw surplus commas at you which MK wil turn into penguins - then you'll be in a pickle!

-C

[mmMekitty]

🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒 Now, which one is ER in🛋(question)

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK and Croix,

Thank you for cheering me up. I did like your ‘liberry’ jokes MK. Now I’m in a right pickle surrounded by pickled cucumbers!

MK, I do not have regular appointments with my psych, partly for financial reasons and also because it works best for me to use my intuition about when there is something I need to work on. She gives me the choice of how I do things. So I contact her when I sense I need to work through something. For me it is of great benefit to deal with things somatically. It is the only thing that gets me unstuck from trauma responses as they are so primal and cannot be reached by reason, cognitive approaches etc which have never worked for me. At the moment it’s not therapy that’s connected with my distress. It’s the existential crisis of losing my connection with my brother and the whole sense of who my family was. It’s like any sense of belonging has been deconstructed, and the fact the influence of his partner with malicious and controlling behaviours is a core factor in that makes it all the more upsetting. And I grieve for my brother as I know that he is repeating past trauma patterns that he is stuck in and I feel helpless to help him.

My therapy sessions are one of the few places I’ve actually been able to feel safe (the other main one being nature). In general life I do not feel safe the vast majority of the time. It is really quite severe c-ptsd and it’s actually always been there from the beginning. For most of my life I was like a fish in water, not really fully grasping how severe my fear was as I just went through life immersed in it. As I started to educate myself on trauma a few years ago, I begun to realise what’s been happening to me my whole life and how much I’ve lived inside fear. On returning from the city I stopped at a service station near home. I noticed I’m scared when I park, that I might annoy another driver where I parked. I’m scared about how long it’s taking to fill the car with petrol because the person behind may get angry. I’m scared walking in to pay if I don’t have my card ready quickly because I might make someone angry. I’m scared when I leave and pull back into the road that I might be subjected to road rage coming from another driver, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Repeat traumas from childhood onwards have left me this way. I’m constantly waiting for volatile rage to erupt, to be hit or screamed at, and my internal flinch system (trying to avoid being hit) is frequently activated. No amount of rationalisation can fix it. So instead I work progressively in therapy to build trust in the therapeutic relationship which for many people with c-ptsd is the first time they ever develop a sense of safety with another human. I’ve made quite a few breakthroughs and a lot of progress in the last year, but I can still get attacks of fear and distress. But during that time I’ve also experienced moments of deep peace and connection that I’ve never experienced before. I was actually like that a few weeks ago where I felt completely at ease, until I got triggered by the situation with my brother. In the Somatic Experiencing approach this is understood as pendulation, a process the body naturally goes through as it moves back and forth between autonomic states as it seeks equilibrium. My body is trying to learn a whole new way of being and it’s going to slip back at times with certain triggers. So right now I have a sickening anxiety constantly present mixed with deep grief, but that’s a common lifetime experience for me. The difference is my body understands now that safety is possible and I know it will recalibrate again. I also have a Bowen Therapy session in a few days and that greatly helps with that too. Both the Bowen Therapy and my psych sessions work to de-escalate my trauma responses and provide safety. Since mid last year I’ve had more experiences of peace and safety than I’ve had in the rest of my life all together. So I know I’m making progress, but it’s gradual with c-ptsd as the body has to progressively learn what a safe, non-activated state is and begin to sustain it.

Humour and laughter can be a great recalibration tool as it can shift autonomic state which also involves a shift in brain chemicals, hormones etc. Just imagining an abundance of penguins and cucumbers makes me chuckle, and chuckling shifts what is happening in my body. I can see Croix’s iceberg trying not to sink under a giant mass of penguins and cucumbers 🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧🥒🥒🥒🥒🥒 😂

[Croix]

Humph, easily solved, using my friend Peter Piper the musical Penguin (the only non-pesky penguin of the lot)

so as in the well known saying:---

"Peter Piper pecked a peck of pickled peppers"

😮🥒🐧🎷

All we have to do is wait, when Peter pecks the pickle in the peck with ER inside one will hear "Ouch"

If that doesn't make the pair of you behave I'll up the ante and use surplus SEMI colons;)

-C (Who is holding the FULL colons in reserve)

[mmMekitty]

Hello ERThank you for the explanation. That is enlightening; I understand better now.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I just wanted to check in with you to ask how you are and if nature has helped you with processing the difficult emotions you have been dealing with.

I am thinking of you,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

Thank you so much 🙏 I was just about to post in the suicidal thoughts section as I’m having a really rough time. I seem to have three major factors going on: c-ptsd, complicated grief and severe anxiety/depression linked to perimenopausal symptoms which also spiked around the same time last year. It was the anniversary of my mother’s death on Saturday which was such an awful death with her in great distress leading up to it. I’ve felt like I’m going back into the body memory of the distress she was going through then that I was witnessing, feeling and trying to help her with.

Yes, nature does continue to help me. I was intensely suicidal on Friday afternoon. The only way I felt I could make myself safe was going to my favourite place by the ocean. It is like my safe holding place. I have been calling helplines and trying to find ways to stay safe. I contacted the Australian Menopause Society today to organise a counselling session with them as they offer free advice and support. The main complicating factor is the liver disease I have where some hormonal treatments may not be compatible with that.

How are you going? I hope you are doing ok.

[indigo22]

Hi again Eagle Ray,

I am so sorry to hear of the difficult time you are going through, I had hoped you might be feeling better.

I am really glad you are taking the steps you need to and keeping yourself safe to the best of your ability.

You are dealing with such a lot and it sounds to me that you are feeling worn down by it all. Have you been able to talk with your psychologist recently? I am not sure how I can be of help to you, but I am here in whatever way you need me to be.

You are such a kind soul to be going through so much and still be interested in how I am, that means a great deal to me. I am doing okay at present, thank you for asking. I care about you and your well being so please continue to keep yourself safe.

Here if you need me,

indigo