Unwanted abortion.

[Guest23]

I fell pregnant November last year. I knew I wanted it. The father (my long term casual partner) absolutely did not and was very persistent on termination. We went back and forth for so long. I agreed to look into it. I’ll be honest I was 22, he’s more than double that, we aren’t serious, I have a lot going on and our relationship has a lot of complications. It was never the way I wanted to become a mother. Time went on and I became a mess. I was so sick all the time, I was so emotional, I was sad and angry. I had never been more conflicted. I would find myself agreeing with him and then screaming at him for even suggesting it. I looked into it, I didn’t want it. I was so sure but every-time he spoke to me about it I would find myself giving in and agreeing in the moment. I felt guilty that he didn’t want it, that I was forcing him, that I was bringing a baby into the world who’s dad already stated he wouldn’t be there. All of the appointments were being messed around and dragged out. A simple prescription became a procedure that I made clear from the start I would never do. Yet one day I was crying in the car after another appointment and he was on the phone digging in and we booked the abortion appointment. Like it was nothing. I didn’t stop crying. I went and I cried, I nodded and I signed the papers, I paid the money, I cried harder. A nurse asked me if I was sure but I can’t remember if I answered her. All I remember next was waking up on the table screaming at them where my baby was and please tell me it’s okay. The only reply was that the procedure went well and that was the end of me. I have never felt so disgusting, so horrified by myself, so guilty and worthless of living. I feel like every moment since then I have been grieving a loss that I have no right to grieve yet it consumes me. I can’t forgive myself. I’m finding it so hard to continue. I keep punishing myself but it’s not going to change anything. i made the biggest mistake of my life and it was the biggest loss. 

I am pro choice. I would never shame another woman for having the procedure themselves. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly painful time in your life. My heart goes out to you as you suffer so deeply, so intensely.

Like yourself, I'm pro choice. So, no judgement here 🙂. While I can't speak from experience, a friend of mine went through with a pregnancy termination many years back and suffered horribly afterwards. She experienced so many mixed emotions. She was grief stricken, angry with her partner for not feeling more for her, felt a sense of guilt and shame, was full of regret and so much more. It was her partner who insisted on the termination even though she'd expressed how much she was going to suffer as a result of it. It was one of the hardest and most painful times of her life. It felt soul destroying for her. Still with the same guy, who she eventually married, she went on to have 2 children with him. Giving birth to her first daughter eventually changed her way of thinking. While everyone's different when it comes to their beliefs, her belief became 'This little soul was destined to come into this world. It could have come earlier but waited patiently until my daughter was born'. I suppose you could say that her daughter's birth finally offered her relief once they both met. Btw, she eventually divorced her husband, largely based on the fact he was a self serving narcissist who never liked being inconvenienced.

As I say, while I can't relate to a planned abortion, I can relate to what's referred to as spontaneous abortion (aka miscarriage), where the body aborts the embryo or fetus for some reason. Between my first and second child, I experienced 2 miscarriages within the first 3 months of the pregnancies. So many mixed emotions to struggle through and make sense of. It wasn't until my son was born that I had the same feelings as my friend. My son was patient in waiting to meet me, no matter what form he had to wait to take. He finally took form in a successful pregnancy. While some may say 'This is a foolish or ridiculous way of thinking', my response to them would be 'If what we imagine brings us relief and eventual joy, is there anything really wrong with what we choose to imagine?'. If someone else prefers we imagine that we're a horrible person or that we deserve to suffer, we gotta question anyone who wants us to suffer through their imagination. That's some messed up stuff.

As a gal who's managed the ins and outs of depression over the years, I've found great sufferance often comes through perception. A change in perception can change so many other things, emotions included.❤️