Trying to move on

[Ruby2 1]

Hi all,have posted before but am still struggling with the loss of my husband 10 months on.

I can't open up to many about it as prior to his death he had come out as gay.No one knew except me and our kids.

I hold many secrets that he kept.My closest friend can't understand why I still loved him.

I guess what I am asking is:how do I reconcile the fact that he was gay but in a hetero relationship with me?

Very confused but wanting to hold on to the love I thought we had.

[geoff]

Hello Ruby, and thanks for coming back, more so I am deeply sorry for the loss of your husband.

Whether or not this came as a surprise to you doesn't mean that you can't love someone who has changed their sexuality, he is still the father of your children and this all depends on how they are thinking and if they accept this or are struggling.

The secrets you hold to yourself, I would suggest you still continue doing this because even your closest friend may say that he/she won't tell anyone and that's exactly what another person they tell always says and so it progresses, no one needs to know and why should they, unfortunately, he has passed away.

If your kids are 25 or younger then they can talk with Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online and trained counsellors will be able to discuss this situation with them, especially if the secret spreads.

The love for someone won't change, it only means that certain activities may be altered, but he was still your husband, the person you loved.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Ruby2 1]

Thank you Geoff for your reply.

My kids are very accepting of their dad.It will be a hard Fathers'Day for them this year.Covid restrictions means we can't be together.

Thanks for giving a positive perspective. It helps to "talk"to someone not invested in my concerns.

Take care,

Ruby

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Ruby2...

I agree with everything Geoff has said..and I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your husband..

Love can be very difficult to understand...My husband was very abusive...but I still loved him..and miss him....he passed away 8 years ago....no one knew of his abuse except our sons and myself...I told no one, because no one would believe me...He was always kind, helpful and caring to everyone else...and that’s the way his friends and acquaintances remember him.....I hold many secrets that will stay with me forever...

Loving a person...real love that is..comes from our heart and soul..it’s unconditional love..acceptance of their flaws and all...I don’t think you can ever change the fact that you still love him.,,,I can in a way understand that you still love him...He was a huge part of your life....giving you beautiful children that unconditionally love him as well..Thats beautiful to read...

You sound like a very lovely person..keeping secrets is hard..but sometimes for our own peace of mind....so that no one else discovers those secrets and think bad of him,,,,In my thoughts..like Geoff..I think that it’s best to keep those secrets inside of you...

If you need to process them..maybe a talk to your GP. Who can fix you up to meet a counsellor/psychologist so you can talk them out with the professionals...

My kindest and most caring thoughts lovely Ruby..

Grandy..

[Stui]

Hi Ruby,

I am sorry to read of your loss it is always difficult to lose a loved one, I have experienced this personally. This does ease over time although it doesn't feel like it will and what a great definition of love that is he felt safe to trust you with that knowledge and you loved him enough to accept him knowing that, that shows me great strength in you. I have learnt recently on a personal level that love is similar to an emotion you have no control over it. I offer you full support but it may be good to seek counselling with a professional talk one on one about how you feel I did and found it really helpful.