*Trigger Warning* My sister was found a week after she died and I can’t get over it

[Mummasgirl]

Hi All,

I’m new here. I’m at an all time low and don’t know what to do so am reaching out. My sister passed away 5 years ago and my grief seems to be getting worse. I’ve spoken a lot to my therapist but nothing seems to help. It’s not so much her passing but that she was found after a week of being in her apartment all alone. She struggled with addiction and was unwell. Our relationship was up and down and I’m struggling so much with guilt. I can’t get the visual out of my head of what she looked like there after a week and how it must have been for the police who found her. I struggle with not being able to see her to stroke her hair and tell her how much I love her before she was cremated. I feel her whole journey was alone. I’ve tried to tell myself she was already dead and that our body goes through this decomposition phase so why does it matter where she was. I guess it’s the indignity she suffered from being found this way and then through having an autopsy etc.

I don’t know why I can’t move on. I’m stuck in this visual nightmare and no reading about Buddhism etc has helped me find peace.

my brother also died in his living room some years ago but he was found in the morning by his wife. For some reason this gave me a sense of peace, that he was with his wife and not all alone left in his apartment.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Have you found anything through your grief journey that has helped?

[smurf101]

Hi Mummasgirl,

i am so sorry your struggling.. I saw your post and had to reply. I lost my sister too. 8years ago on October 11th 2012.

my mum found her. I have struggled so badly with her suicide. The way she did it. The fact I couldn’t save her. It consumed me so badly for the first 3years I ended up on meds which actually were even worse.

Now I just feel empty. I’ve been struggling lately with just life. I feel so unmotivated and alone. I have two daughters and a partner but he’s hard to talk to sometimes and he didn’t cope well with my grief as he’s been through a lot of loss and found me to be too much.

Sometimes I wish I could run away from responsibilities and just bury myself in Netflix crap tv. But I can’t.

I saw my sister a few days after she passed in the morgue and it was awful.

She looked so pained. Sorry for the graphics just what you said about finding a little peace around your brothers death. I’m so so sorry for your loss of two siblings.

My sister in law, partners sister died just 9months after my sister. She died so sudden and tragic but I felt relieved it wasn’t suicide. She didn’t choose it. My sister spent the day before she did it with my daughter who was 2 at the time and I. She was so sad, she read my daughter a story about feelings and couldn’t get past the first page - it read something like ‘when I’m feeling sad it like all the colours have left the world and everything is grey’ I feel like I should have known what how bad her depression was. She couldn’t when read a children’s book about feeling sad. And I let her leave. And never saw her again.

[smurf101]

i relate about feeling guilty,I struggled with the visual in my head, feeling like I let her down,should have been there for her and stopped it Also rocky relationship but the last 2yrs of her life she&I were close.saw a therapist which helped but grief was still all consuming.like Groundhog Day thefirst 3/4yrs -so unbelievably painful, so sad for her, guilty. always right there in my mind often bawling, apologising to her in my head I don’t kno when I started to shiftsometime in the last 2yrs.think I finally accepted that she is gone, in shock&disbelief4a long time as accepting meant that she is really gone.had to forgive myself, not completely, can never,just enough to not feel gut pain everyday, every time I thought of her I could only think of how she died how awful it was I started2listen to others who’d been through similar,joining a siblings survivors group hearing others stories really helped me, first it was too hard so I just read posts their storieshow they too felt guilty. That helped me with the guilt not taking all the blame coming to terms with her own choices in life,in her death too.then starting to comment about her started to talk with a women who lost her sister2, she helped me so many ways sharing her story with me,listening wen I was struggling, talking about Her as much as I needed when I needed I also write to my sister in Facebook posts.didn’t plan,it just happened when she first died.I’d tag her in pics,tell her my heart was broken,I was so sorry.still do but I’m now able 2write positive.helps cos it feels like I get to talk to her ? honour her, keep her memory alive so she doesn’t get forgotten by the rest of the world.when she died i got her antique table,it has a framed photo of her&i on it, a gift she gave me, her ashes. crystals&a bracelet that was hers on the the ashes..the table also has fam pics it’s really nice to have & to say her name without it being full of pain.I like that we get to say her name around the house.For a long time I was scared to find peace,I thought as she struggled why should I get to feel ok,somehow it would make sense of her death if I hurt enough to prove she didn’t die for nothing.But I know she wouldn’t want me to stay the way I was because i was just holding pain and hurt so close I couldn’t feel anything else.at least now even though I still have the hurt and pain I feel love when I think of her..hope you can find some peace with your grief I really believe our sisters would want that for us.

[Aaronsis]

Welcome Mummasgirl

Welcome to the forum and if you could have only read (well you probably can) my very first post here, 2108 posts ago it is very similar to yours here today. So I welcome you with so much love and support at this time, grief is a journey, of so many emotions and thoughts and mostly pain and sometimes the guilt, like you have expressed here today. I too struggled with guilt, badly and so I somewhat can identify with how you are travelling at the moment.

Firstly I wanted to say that time has no bearing on healing..they say time heals all wounds but I don't find that to be true, we just learn to navigate it and it still sits with us in some form each day, so although it has been 5 years since your sister's passing, that does not mean you "should" be managing better, or "should" be coping better or any of those "should" things, you do this in your time, cope how you need to and I am so proud you have reached out here for some support and comfort.

So briefly to my story into context I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide and then one year later my mother passed away very unexpectedly...so I just when I was trying to manage one, another came and hit me over the head. Now they both raised very different feelings and emotions, just like your sister's death V's your brother's death, and this is hard too when you are trying to grieve two different ways. With your sister and with my brother I have found it to be shock, guilt, questions, not knowing and why the hell didn't I know but also I think it is perhaps too that suicide is "unacceptable", we don't understand how the person felt and we blame ourselves for that, for the outcome. Something I heard in my travels was "no one is responsible for our lives but us". While it does not change the pain, it is somewhat true, I could not make my brother stay any more than you could make your sister, and also that is not possible, to keep another alive. What a huge load to carry, the responsibility of keeping another alive. We loved our siblings, they did know that, were we there in their darkest time, perhaps not but..how do you help someone who hides their pain and does not reach out???

I want to chat to you some more Mummasgirl if you would like to, to share with you some things I use to cope.

I am so proud you are here and I sit with you in this time of need, I am here to listen to your story as much as you want to talk.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xxx

[Aaronsis]

Hello smurf101

Thank you for sharing your story here with us, for supporting Mummasgirl and for also reaching out to talk about how you are feeling and how you are coping. Some of what I have written in my post to Mummasgirl will relate to you also, with regards to feeling the responsibilities to keep another alive, while it is so very hard to hear, to think about and to acknowledge there is some merit to it. As you mentioned, you did not know the depth of your sister's darkness and how could you if she did not share and did not open up to you. I know..easier said than done...but we are not magicians, are we supposed to run around like maniacs begging people to tell us if they are ok, or if they are suicidal, just in case they are..and what if they are and they say they are not...see what I am trying to say here is that while you can support and care for another and provide love and care, if they are not able to reach out how can you help? Just as I could not "save" my brother, you could not "save" your sister and what a huge load to carry, the weight of someone's life...wow...there really is only one person who can save you and that is you.

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to visualize and relive the images that you have of your sister in the morgue, my heart goes out to you as this would be so very traumatic to live with. I am wondering though if you have some wonderful memories of your sister, in her beauty, when she was laughing, when she did smile, even the image of her sitting with your child? While they will never erase the painful ones, I have found the more we think of the good and the beauty, the more those images come, and while there are the painful ones too, it can help to build the beautiful ones also.

I also hear that you too are struggling with the way in which your sister passed V's the way in which your sister in law passed, as I mentioned earlier in my other post I really think with suicide it is "unacceptable" so we beat ourselves up so badly as we "should" have had a role to play in preventing it. Where as if someone passes from a heart attack or cancer we sit with it better as we know we had no part in preventing it..it is "acceptable". But can I say that it has taken me to this day to see that we are not able to save another from death, no matter how much we love and care for them, how do you help someone who does not reach out...we are not magicians.

I hope to chat some more to you too and am here with you.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[smurf101]

Hi AaronSis, thanks for your support also. It makes me so sad that between mammagirl, you and I we have shared so much loss. But it also shows we are not alone. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and Mum.

The year I lost my sister more loss followed. 3weeks later we lost my partners Pop, even though older it was very unexpected. I already mentioned my sister in law 9months later ,and a year after we lost my step father in law. such a hard time. We were all close. The word you used acceptable comes to mind, as i felt people were afraid to say Caryn’s name because of her death from suicide but we’re ok to give condolences on our other family members. In response to not being magicians you are very right, but it hurts to admit my sister struggled very much and for many many years and had dozens of attempts - a couple of very close ones before she succeeded in her suicide. She was in treatment and talked openly about being depressed with me but I feel like I’d become so used to her struggles I refused to believe she would really take her own life, I chose to believe she would one day beat her depression and life happily ever after - even though I can now see all the signs were there and I was in denial 😞 it was hard to see her at the morgue, but it was my decision as I needed to see her to really believe it and I guess I thought it would be a bit like the movies where they look peaceful but it was just a cold, metal clinical hospital and shocking to see she was really there and not there anymore. But the visual i was talking about was the method she chose to take her life. I never saw it for real. My mum and brother did, but I couldn’t stop seeing the image for a long long time. I have come along way though. When you said have I a picture of her laughing or with my daughter I straight away thought of two pictures of her that are so beautiful - one she is 19 and her hair is long and black and she is young and smiling and stunning and it is currently my phone lock screen - the other is her holding my daughter on her first birthday and she has a look I didn’t see on her very often - pure pride and adoration! She loved being an Aunty and I loved how much it meant to her! I miss her so much. I miss that sister relationship/bond so so much. I don’t seem to make friends like I used to either. And I think it’s connected. It’s nice to talk to you very much Sarah, ty, Kirsten😊

[Aaronsis]

Hi Kirsten and thank you for your support, and the kind words around my brother and my mum, it is so hard to see with just the three of us how much loss we have endured, that is why places like this are so wonderful, we are not alone and there are alot of us here who are living lives after suicide.

I hear you so very loud and clear with no one really mentioning Caryn and not saying her name or talking of her passing. Once again it is that big word "suicide" that makes everything about it "unacceptable". People don't know how to respond to you, how to support you, do they mention it? do they say anything? can they say "Caryn" without upsetting you?....I hear you so very clearly. I chose to lead the way in my healing and I do still to this day in that I say my brother's name all the time, I talk openly about suicide, with tact of course as you don't want to shock or trigger others but the more you talk I have found the more others talk to you. My brother Aaron was not a very social person so I feel that I am now his voice in that I will do the talking for him.

Of course you thought that your sister would get better, that is just natural that you could see she spoke of her struggles and her depression and that would be a sign to anyone that they are doing what they need to to get well and be supported. But as I mentioned before you also cannot ring her every minute of the day and ask her if she is suicidal, that is just not practical and would have driven you both insane. So you did the very best you could at the time, sure you look back, hindsight is a wonderful thing, you would do things differently and so would I ...but my friend..we are not afforded that opportunity. So we move forward knowing we did the best we could.

I had to contact the police who attended Aaron's death to find out the actual method and the way in which he passed as the information on the paperwork was limited. I was running scenarios around in my head not knowing and it was doing more harm than good. My friend said not to call as it would leave the image in my head but I had to know. The police lady was so very lovely and went through it so professionally with me. I do have an image but as I said, I try to replace this with happy and loving ones to combat it. I am so glad that you could think of some lovely times with her today.

Keep on remembering Caryn for the good person she was and the good times, she was not the way she passed but a beautiful woman who was struggling.

Hugs

Sarah

[Mummasgirl]

Thank you for your reply Smurf101. I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling, I feel your pain. I understand how just wanting to dip out of life for awhile is all you want to do....and there is nothing wrong with feeling that. If you have anytime to do it, I’d say do it. It’s hard when partners don’t understand, I think that’s why forums such as these are really helpful. Sometimes being with a partner who doesn’t understand can make life feel even more lonely. How does your mother deal with this grief? Is she someone you can talk to? I also am on medication. I have been on and off since my brother died and I’m thinking of upping the dose a little. I’m on medication which is also for OCD, it did really help with the ruminating over and over again.

To share my thoughts since I wrote my post two nights ago when I was a in a state of panic. I’m realising that I’m living my sisters story, I’m carrying it on for her. But have to remind myself that it was her story, even though I did fail her in many ways, I do have to have some compassion for myself otherwise it will be my life next. Easier said than done. It’s as though I’m not wanting to let her story go, I’m carrying on that story for her in honour of her. If I let that story go I’m letting her go and ignoring her pain. I guess a form of punishment, a haunting. I fixate on her body’s suffering and what it looked like after being there for 7 days. It all feeds into the story that she was alone and that no one loved her. This was a big part of her story.
I really need to work on this.
I I get caught up in my suffering and how unfair and unusual it is, but there are a lot of people out there who have experienced terrible things. Many lucky ones who also haven’t, and I’m envious of these people. But that’s not to say it’s the norm. I guess I’m trying to rationalise it in my head. Also, I think western ideas of death are very different to other cultures. We want it clean and unseen, this adds to the tragedy. I want to see it another way and at times I do, until it all comes flooding back and the cycle begins again.

love to stay in touch.
 

[Mummasgirl]

Hi Sarah,

So lovely to connect with you and thank you for sharing your story with me and your genuine compassion. What a beautiful soul you are. Grief can be a very lonely journey so I’m really glad I decided to reach out here. I’m so so sorry to hear you lost your brother and then your mum a year later. My mother is all I live for as she is all I have left so to hear this really is unbelievably heartbreaking. That’s very true what you say, friend comes in many forms and although it was extremely difficult when my brother passed the process somehow seemed more linear even though they both struggled with addiction and both died in very similar ways. My sister lived a very hard life to drugs. She became very mentally unwell and this aided in her story of no one caring for her. My mum did cut ties as a tough love approach and I also did at times as I couldn’t handle the abuse. Luckily we on good terms before she died. I just became complacent as she had been through so much and I had heard it all before. I detached in some ways. I absolutely thought I would be better at handling her death as it was a phone call I excepted to receive often. When the phone call finally came I couldn’t believe it. It’s been a messy grief, full of guilt. I was saying to Kirsten that in a way I am carrying on her story for her, afraid to let it go. Keeping it alive in honour of her and torturing myself. There are so many layers as I’m sure there is with your grief.
I guess now I live in fear of losing my mum and knowing too well about grief makes me honestly think I won’t cope, but that’s all part of grief and depression. Life can sometimes seem all to bleak when nothing excites you anymore.

The only thing that brings some comfort is the dream of living close by a bunch of supportive friends in some kind of ‘community’ and we all help one another. Unfortunately,
I can’t see this happening, so I think these forums are a great thing to help people with feeling alone. I’m currently living in Central Australia so support groups are not an option. I hope to move back to Qld by the end of the year.

Sorry, I’m starting to ramble. I would love to stay in touch and hear any advice you have on what you have found helpful.

Much love,

Koren 🙏

[sunnyl20]

Hi Koren,

I am so sorry to hear about what has been happening. I cannot imagine the pain and distress that you have suffered and continue to experience. It sounds like you are in a dark place and are feeling at a complete loss. I know it is easier said than done, but please try not to beat yourself up. As you mentioned above - you have to have some compassion for yourself. You did what you needed to in what sounds like a distressing and traumatic situation, you needed space from your sister. It can be so hard not to ruminate on what could or should have happened if things had been different, and the "what if" thoughts must be agonising, but please know that you are not to blame, you do not need to feel guilty. Does writing help you process (even just a little bit) the thoughts and emotions that you are experiencing?

Please give yourself the time and the space that you need to grieve. Try not to isolate yourself, be kind to yourself and please do not hesitate to talk more if and when you are feeling up to it.

I am really glad that you have felt able to reach out on these forums. We are here to support you and listen. Take care.