Their death meant a lot to me

[gmc]

Hello everyone,

I am active on these forums from a while now and it's now that I feel that I have to write in this one forum too. Hello I am here. Hello and thanks in advance for reading and replying.

I am writing now to share my story. I have been suffering from anxiety since I don't remeber when and it's a while since depression hit me too. I am on treatment and I feel a bit more stable. Its not the grief for someone that got me where I am, but it contributed too.

In March, the last one from my grandfather died. This sad event which happened all of a sudden, very brutal, made me realise a lot of new things about myself and life in general, I leaned a lot from the guit I felt from not visiting him for a long while, from the pain of losing the last representtive of my childhood. It basically faced me to the death in such a way that I never faced before. Being in a depressive episode when it happened made it even harder, was like I couldn't take it anymore of what was happening in my life. I still feel the pain, still wearing black, still keep him in my memory and all the stuff that you already assume it's happening to me.

Well, not an usual thing to write, but yesterday, my mom's baby cat was killed by y father's dog. The little cutie was so amazing, so full of joy and energy, that her loss meant a lot to us. Unfortualtely, I can't stop thinking that something similar would happen to my cat also. I fear for his life, I fear that I'd lose him once he walks one evening from whatever reason.

Events in my life like these ones are important to me. They make me face how ephemeral life is. I am wondering how will I face my cat's death when he will get old enough, more that how would I face my parents' death. I was thinking about taking my life also, in my most horrible moments of depression, when I was thinking about how down I was and that made me want to get out and shine more that anytime.

I don't have a concrete question or something, I just wanted to share my story and maybe find someone here who may have som empathy with me, to have someone write to their oppinion based on their experience on how does it feel and how to get prepeared. Meanwhile, I will kepp on with mourning for the ones I lost and didn't live the bereavement at that time. That's something else to deal with.

Thank you guys.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

What a beautiful, but at the same time, thought-provoking and indeed, emotional post you've provided.

So much just written straight from your inner soul - and as you said, you don't have any concrete questions to ask - you were just pouring out what you felt you needed to get out and I say GOOD ON YOU for doing so.

May I say one thing (actually I'll probably say a few things and they may be all over the place, but here we go).  With regard to your own cat - all you can do my friend is to love and treat your cat as you currently do - no more, no less.  I know your cat will be a highly loved and cherished kitty and that is awesome.  But that's what you need to continue to do.

Death as unfortunate and as horrible as it is - is a given.  It happens, and nothing can really be done to prepare for it.

I've lost too many in my life so far and one thing I've learned out of these losses is that it never gets any easier.  Each one has their own levels of hurt, sadness and despair.  And with that, comes the grieving process - and as I've written here a lot - there is no right way or wrong way to handle, to deal with or to grieve.  Each person is different and they handle their grief in their own way.

Gmc, you're a very special and wonderful person and I say that via knowing you through this site and via the many posts I've read from you.  You've got so much love and care inside you which is a really beautiful thing.  So to you I say, keep on fighting, keep on fighting the challenges that you face each day - stay with us here and post away and I look forward to reading and responding to many more of your posts.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Hello here too, Neil.

Thank you for your words. Now I read again my post too and I remember that feeling that I had when I wrote it... And I read your again and I realize you're right, we have to keep on.

Me writing this is another way of expressing grief for me, I see it. I would talk all over and over about the ones I lost. Facing death is not easy. But it's a given.

Thank you for your appreciation.

[AGrace]

Hi gmc,

Neil is right, sadly we are but mere mortals. 

I actually have a complete fear of death. For me I only see death in the scientific and literal sense, I don't see it in any spiritual way. I no longer fear others dying as I know what that's like, and I know that through my memories I hold them, and keep them alive. What I fear is my own death, and I guess for no other reason than I don't know what it's like to die. So yes, I can empathise with you.

I'm going to have to commit to practicing what I preach here, but I wonder if you have researched various cultures and religions and how the process of death, and the process of grieving differs? In some cultures death is a celebration rather than a time to mourn, and I always find this an interesting concept. What I do know is that when I eventually pass I want my loved ones to celebrate. I don't want them to be miserable, I wan't them to know that I felt blessed to have had them in my life. Perhaps through celebrating someone's life rather than mourning their death we can reduce some of the secondary suffering? 

I also agree with Neil, in that life is a chance; a blessing. While we're here we have to make the most of it. So I say love hard, make cuddles extra warm, share words of love at every opportunity, let others know how much you appreciate them, bring a smile to the faces of those that you meet or know, because life isn't forever.

I also wanted to say thank you for providing such messages of hope to the others on the forum, and thank you for being vulnerable enough to also share your own story.

AGrace

[gmc]

Dear Agrace,

You're right, we should research on other cultures too, we'd have a lot to learn for sure. This and not only this makes us think of how life is precious, our life and others' lives.

I was thinking a lot about this and I am thinking more about how the experience of the death of some close made me realize the value of my life, of each other's life.

Hope you share this too.