The loss of a Grandpa

[Lauren_m12]

I just lost my Grandpa very suddenly and shockingly due to a stroke. I am finding it extremely hard to cope. He was very active in my life. He always called family members and wanted to go over to see them. My family feel guilty for being 'busy living our own lives' I guess you could say. And thinking about how we could've done things differently - spent more time with him. 
I also feel traumatised seeing him disabled after his stroke. And I feel very sorry for him knowing that his family would see him like that.

My dad (my grandpa's son-in-law) found him collapsed. 
it's hard because he always wanted to be with family. I went to his house and took everything in. I took home some shirts and sweaters. The smell of them reminds me of him. I feel guilty to move on with my life, I feel like I was blinded before when he was alive by my own life. I feel like I should punish myself by not having fun in the future. I want my life to be over like his is. 
I did take him banana bread last year a few times. I only just saw him for his 80th birthday and I asked him if he had any regrets and he said no 🥰. I just went out of state with him for a funeral which was great quality time but also really sad, as he was thinking about his own funeral, and told me that he hopes that people cry that much at his funeral... I told him that we will all say very nice things about him but it won't be for a long time.. he said "hopefully" 😔. He came over just to see grass that I put in for my new house. It's hard to imagine him not being around because he was central to my family. He was always laughing and engaging in conversation. He wasn't sick. I keep thinking of him in hospital in a coma. I watched him for hours just breathing and holding his hand. It was very hard to see him passed too. I am glad that I got to tell him that I love him. It hurts a lot. Please help me

[quirkywords]

Lauren-m12

I wish to extend my sympathy on the loss of your grandpa. Is this the first loss of a loved one you have experienced. 
My grandparents and parents are gone and now I am a grandparent.

my pop died over 44 years but I still miss him and I wished I had talked to more. 
Grief is complex and exhausting  and surprising at times and it changes. Go with the flow. Cry if you want to, relax. Write or draw to express your feelings. I wrote letters to my pop and emails to my dad and helped me  express my grief. 
I hope writing here as helped you even in a small way. 

The stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance  now can be app,ied to grieving people.

 We can change between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once. Please be kind to yourself. Your grandpa loved you and you had a special relationship. Grief hurts and can overwhelm but gradually we find other ways to support yourself.