Sudden death of my husband who had Dementia.

[Scargill]

It is now almost 7 weeks since my husband was found near

death on the floor of the Dementia Specific Unit he was in. He died soon after. The DR thinks it was possibly a massive heart attack. But they don't know for sure. He had been in the Unit for about 2 months & prior to that in a low care facility ( at the same place ) for about 20 months.

I had written here before as I was very depressed.  My daughter was able to come home from Canada for what turned out to be 5 weeks which was really good for both of us. She has found losing her dad so suddenly very hard. She is now back in Canada & I guess I am now finding that the strength I had to have for her is goin' missin'. I am getting so down, tearful & depressed again  ( not suicidally yet thank God ) that I am finding it very hard. Now I know that tears are okay. I know that grief is okay. But the fact that my husband was the only person I had ever been out with, trusted & wasn't scared of is coming back to haunt me I guess. Yes, I was assaulted as a kid & a young person & so was very scared of men. Until I met my husband.He had been my rock for 45 years. I miss him so. I guess I just want to hear that it's okay Ellen. And don't be afraid to ask for help.

[white knight]

Hi Ellen, welcome back to beyond Blue forums

So understandable how you are feeling. Words can never fill the hole that is left. I found the same feeling when my dad passed in 1992. "The salt of the earth" as one friend said about him. And you'd think there is no positive thing about death wouldnt you?  Well there is very little that can be seen as good from death of a loved one. So there is only time left to stop the tears I'm afraid.

We cannot accept that we can cope with everything life throws at us Ellen.  Sometimes some of us need help to lift us up a little so we can walk again.

I understand your fear of men. My fear of women in terms of my mothers manipulation , scheming, control etc had me searching high and low for an answer. My reactions to women have therefore been over reactive due to that experience.

So your fear of men, discomfort, is unwarranted. There are so many good men in the world. So you need to get this fear into perspective to move forward in life. Getting our thoughts into the right mindset isnt that hard when you are told by professionals where your mind is not thinking along the right paths.

Do seek advice Ellen. And allow time to heal. You'll be ok. And you have your daughter that will be with you throughout that journey.

Take care. Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Ellen, I am so sorry for the passing away of your husband, only loving words and reminders of the good times you both had together may ease this pain.

I do remember your user name, but perhaps it was a few months ago.

Not only are you grieving but I'm sure your daughter is as well, and living so far apart doesn't make it any easier for either of you.

I'm sure that your husband and yourself have been through a lot, because 45 years is such a long time together, and you both would have supported each other through all the terrible times from the past.

Are you able to communicate with your daughter with all these modern instruments which no doubt you would have learnt, mind you it's not easy, as I know myself.

Can I say and this is without any animosity towards you, maybe that word is far too strong but I hope you know what I mean, that your husband wouldn't want you to see him suffer the way he was, this is always my greatest fear that my children and grandchildren don't see me in a state that is so unlike me, and now he is at peace, resting until he sees you once again.

You need the strength because of your daughter and whether she is married or not, she needs you, just as you need her.

Sometimes I have known the one left behind who still goes to the Dementia Specific Unit or the nursing home to ease the pain and talk or comfort other people who have a husband or wife going though the same illness, this may allow you to talk to your husband as well as the many other people there.

I wish you the best, and please stay with us, so that you are able to talk to us. L Geoff. x

[Scargill]

Thanks Tony for your kind words. One thing I must explain............ my fear of men was before I met my husband. He & the men I met after that have mostly been good memories. I have some wonderful friends of the male variety, particularly my church friends. So my fear of men has not been something i have carried with me. Well, most of the time it hasn't.

I know that time will help me with my grief. When I was a Hospice Sister we used to say "time doesn't heal. What it does do is let you  remember without the pain".  So I know that time is on my side & I know that I have to be strong for my daughter. But it is good to have friends who allow me to cry on their shoulder. Like this morning at church. Oh dear. There was a beeeeooootiful song on our "overhead" thingy before the service started. I couldn't handle it & had to go & weep in our hall. My friends came & found me but in the end I had to leave.

Again I thank you Tony for your care & support.  Bless you muchly.

Ellen

[Scargill]

Geoff I thank-you for your words of support & care. By the way are you the gentleman who was going to Canada a few months ago?  Visiting among other places Lake Louise?

Yes it was a few months since I was here last. I know that time will help & I will have to stay strong for my daughter who is finding it so hard. I am so blessed to have good , caring ,loving friends, specially my church family.  This morning they provided their shoulders to cry on when I found that the song that was playing on our overhead before the service started was a song I couldn't handle. Oh the tears. But they were there for me.

When I am feeling stronger ( CFS better as well ) I am hoping to go & help in the Unit my husband was in. I also want to get back to helping out with the Prep. class at our local Primary School. It's a long time since I've been able to as my health has not been good. But..... here's hoping.

Again thanks Geoff.  It's good to know that there are places like here that offer support & care.  Ta & Bless you muchly

Ellen