Struggling with Liam Payne's Death (from a POV of an older male fan)

[OnandOff]

I'm a 44 gay Asian dude living in Australia. Normally I don't even like Boybands and I had thought I grew out of it years ago. However, a friend introduced 1D to me many years ago and then I started listening to their music and watching their cute smiley faces on all the videos and it made me feel really happy. So when I chill I used to, and still do have some of their songs on my playlist, when I work I sometimes have that in the background too. Some of the songs are really uplifting and just talk about life and growing up. Then they broke up and I wasn't even sad, I just thought, cool I get to listen to them individually. They all have different styles and I enjoyed all of them. In terms of looks, I liked Liam the most, he seems kind, deep, passionate, funny and has a dark side to him that appeals to me (similar to how I feel about myself sometimes). As he grew and got into fashion and modelling I also liked what he did, very attractive boy who was growing up to be a broody man. To be honest, I have not followed him for a while, only until recently when an article came out talking about how his look changed. At the back of my mind, I just went, ok great people change, at least he is still alright and doing stuff. I don't know him but I wish him well.

Then I woke up and found out about the news on my phone that day and my heart broke. I doesn't feel real and I am struggling to cope with it. I feel like my grief is alone as I am not a young girl/boy who grew up with this band, just another generation who happen to like him. I feel like I don't belong in this group of people mourning him. I talk to my partner about it and he just listens, he doesn't know 1D or Liam well but he just listens to me which is nice. However, I still feel like I want to talk to someone about it. I mentioned Liam's passing to my friends and most of them are in the same age with me, would simply say yes it is sad and they move on.

So I am REALLY struggling to cope with this news, it made me cry all the time for the past few days, when I am at work I am ok or at the gym or with people. However when I am by myself I want to read more about what happened to him, which in turn means that I find more articles and pictures and learn more about where he was in life at the time which makes the whole thing even sadder, the new Netflix show, the future marriage, the son, the new album, him wanting to play Polo again etc. All that is gone from him.

I don't know who to talk to about this, I rang Helpline support here in Australia and yes they were good but then just referred me to a counsellor which means visiting a dr then get a referral etc. I just want to share with someone how I feel and how you might suggest that I move forward on getting closure on this. I am an older fan and I feel odd and somewhat like I am the only one of this age group/demographic to be grieving him.

I am not sleeping too well as his face keeps on popping into my head. I put myself in his shoes during the spiral and felt really sad about it. I don't eat well either and things around me just seem bland. Like it feels like what is the point? The fact that he is now being highlighted as a kind supportive person makes me feel even more sick, what is the point of being all that and still going the way he did. I don't want to say that I love him, more like adore him as a beautiful deep human being who happens to produce arts that I enjoy and now that he is gone, there will never be another song, another fashion shoot another videos of him and it feels empty.

This is the first time I feel this way about a celebrity's death and I don't know how long it will be like this for.

Thank you for reading.

[Katherine]

Dear OnandOff, Scared, ABC1, and Megs14,

You are not alone in all this.  Liam Payne’s death has hit me very hard. Why I haven’t worked it out yet. As a 53 year old mother of 2 grown children and 1 in late teens, not one of them were 1D fans or fans of his solo career. I have struggled to manage and control my thoughts and feelings about this young man. It would make more sense if one of the kids were a fan of either his 1D days or solo career, but no. The first I heard of this was that horrible day 17 October, driving to work. I was stopped at a red light when the news broke and I can only akin the feeling of hearing the news as a lightning bolt hitting me. I had no control, the tears just poured down my face. I was in disbelief and shock and walked into work, trying to put on a brave face.  I held it together all day until I got home and jumped online to read about it. I wanted to know everything about what happened, how, why, etc. I struggled to understand this as I had no idea of his career, his achievements, his demons, his relationships, his family…his son. As I read on, all this broke me further. To me, he was very much an open book, who wore his heart on his sleeve. I could immediately see after watching 3 interviews, he was kind, considerate, compassionate, caring, and very generous. He was a people’s person. And his laugh..oh my goodness..his laugh was addictive and infectious. He gave love out so freely, but I am not sure he received this ‘type’ of love back. @Megs@4, I too have felt this overwhelming sadness, that runs so deep I can’t shake it. I knew I was an empath from my late teens but had learnt to manage those feeling during my late 20s (I had to due to my job). Not this time though. Not with any of the photos I have seen or the videos I have watched (yes, empaths can sense from these platforms too, crazy I know!). Over this last month, my diet has reduced, my stomach is always in knots, and even the gym that would usually give me an escapism 6 days a week, is failing me. I refuse to not go to the gym though as I need to keep normality in my life. And because of my line of work, I need to clear my head. But clearing my head of Liam, has been impossible.

Last night I was about to go to sleep, and one of the news channels I subscribed to notified me that they were broadcasting live from Liam Payne’s funeral. I battled with my own morals whether I should watch or not. That battle lasted less than 5mins as I knew I would not be able to sleep after knowing this.  Turns out (and not surprising), I was a mess after watching this young man’s precession and his grieving parents. I think I needed to see his funeral for my own closure. But alas, it has made today very difficult for me. It’s final. It’s done. He has been laid to rest, or cremated, whatever they family decides. But I still have this overwhelming sadness for Liam, his family, and his son.

I have looked on the internet too, finding others like me. I have found a few people that are part of a new community on TikTok now. Non-fans and fans alike, all banding together. These 2 accounts have given me some comfort that I am not alone. However, I still feel like I have no right to feel what I am feeling. Such an internal battle.

I actually work in wellbeing, counselling and mentoring many 17/18 yrs olds about various topics such as SA, DV, ED, bulling, anxiety, depression, and suicide. This platform being one I trust a lot and have made many referrals. So, I thought why not try it myself. I was very surprised when I searched my browser about this topic and found one here. You guys are definitely not alone.

May I also please add, too many are judging Liam from the narrative the media keep pushing on us. The narrative has been designed to throw everyone off. Putting untruths out there (like the first toxicology report, which has been proven to be false). Please be mindful about what you believe and do your own research. You will find nothing makes sense about poor Liam’s death. No dots connect, no stories or witness statements match.  I am hoping the family have the strength to clear Liam’s name, and have secured the relevant samples to be able to conduct their own private investigation. Everyone is grief stricken now, but I will only believe what the family choose to disclose to everyone. If they do. They deserve answers, but we as the public do not. I will also say, I do not trust the current investigation.

Look after yourselves. Allow your grief, but also allow life to continue. We will get through this, and we will continue Liam’s legacy (even me as a new fan) by listening to and supporting his music and his family. May he rest in eternal peace.