Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[smallwolf]

Hi Q,

That same feeling or thought can happen with pets - I occasionally have to check the door after opening to check and make sure our cat does not run out the door. Not every time. 

I know some people who "miss" their partner after 20 years.

And while I might have started this thread, others began to tell a little of their own. In the years that I have been talking with my psychologist, I have learnt to the ride the waves... I can do that here more easily, than with certain others. I might have said this previously but I did tell others my thoughts (things that I only tell my psychs*) may change their view, and that is something I cannot do. If they have a good relationship, I don't want to destroy that. There is something in that saying of letting sleeping dogs lie.

[Emotions26]

Thank you TonyWK

Another nice piece of prose waiting for me to read and others passing by.

Yes I agree with your choices made and actions taken.

This diagnosis of mine was a shock as I thought that I had dealt with all that I needed to over the years.

Wrong!

"Prolonged and Disenfranchised( had not heard of the latter) grief, that has piled up without my being aware.

Trauma is in the mix and messing with everything as it does.

Strange sensations and random emotions appearing without warning.

Is starting to shift slightly now thank goodness.

My humour has returned and I have been laughing to myself again. Great to find it again. Serves me well.

I have also barely left the house for weeks only for one essential appointment. Cancelled several.

This has surprisingly helped me as I was advised that rest was the best thing for me.

I actually did as I was told and feel more rested than I have been in a while now.

I have enjoyed not spending time with extended family more than I could have imagined, even though they are miffed. They need to work their reactions out for themselves.

Feels good.

The different boundaries are effective and I adjust them as needed.

Improvement at present.

Take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf

Thank you for the inclusion; mention of being as much my thread as yours.  Those are lovely words to read.  

I know that it is silly. Sprung!

I do feel that I can allow myself to be vulnerable thanks to you and others writing here.

Grief feels even more fragile to me so vitally important here.

To read the words     listening   means so much to me as the majority of my life I have and still do feel unheard by most.  A major component of years and years of therapy that is still relevant today.

The expression “time heals grief” I do not believe.

I think that we learn to carry it differently. Find a safe place for it within where we feel less vulnerable.  As always we are all different.

Losing pets also is huge and can impact us equally.  I have grieved many. They will always be a part of me.

My dad has now been gone for 25 years and I miss him so much. I was very close to him. Reality is I miss him more than my mum who passed 20 months ago.

Smallwolf, I am not sure if I understand your last words about feeling that you might “destroy a good relationship” of another, by expressing how you feel.

This thread is for you to open up about whatever you need to. The reader has to choose how they react to any of our words. Moderators of course do their part also.

We all need to feel safe in opening up honestly about what is on our minds.  That does include you. You are helping others with your honesty. Allowing yourself to grieve honestly.

We do not have to like someone or how they treated us because they are no longer with us.

I am listening also.

Ems

[smallwolf]

on my last words about the destroying a relationship ... we each see different sides or parts of a person. The parts of Dad that say my wife saw, or say my children's perception of Dad is different to mine. How might they react if I told them about my experiences? I don't want to alter their view of Dad. Would that happen? I don't know. Their relationship with my Dad is shaped by their experiences (not mine). 

Mum sent me another memorial article on Dad. At the bottom it included words along the lines of 'not suffering fools' and that was perhaps the line that hit me hardest - I felt when reading that I was the fool. 

My psych* talks to me about the angry child within me (vs healthy adult)... they angry child wants out because he was not allowed to express himself when younger. So when you said about grieving honestly - nice concept but not ready for that just yet as my fear is the angry child saying something he would later regret. Just a work in progress and moving forward slowly.

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf 

Thank you. I can see that you were not referring to writing to people on the forums. You were referring to life relationships. My apologies.

 I feel the same as you in that how we are affected by someone must not be used to possibly cloud another's relationship with that person. As you said your wife and children each have their own unique relationships with your late father. That is why I believe in therapy and writing about my feelings to those who are not personally affected by my experiences.

Your reaction to the idiom used "not suffering fools (gladly)" reminded me of myself. I often internalise and redirect what I hear or read as though spoken directly and only to me. My highly sensitive side.

The angry child phenomena is one that I have not had much dealing with. Mine is the "voice of justice child" as I was and still am highly sensitive.

I am learning to understand that what I feel as “my sensitive child” is authentic. This was a significant response as a young child. Working on my adult ideas now.

 I am sorry for my poor choice of words "grieving honestly".  I meant more to be true to yourself. 

This is a huge problem that I have with this type of communication.  As you said you are not ready to face certain things. Nor should you have to be.

Take care. My grief is at times an enigma so how can I believe that I can help others without putting my foot in it.   Of course I have written yet another essay.  Tis me.

Ems

[smallwolf]

Hey Ems.

Firstly, in regard to your "poor choice" of words - that's ok. It did not bother me at all. 

I will reply in a round-about way to parts of the rest of your post here...

I don't mind you writing an essay as put it. In the longer texts I can get an better understanding.

On the angry inner child ... comes from childhood experiences where a person felt hurt, neglected, rejected, or misunderstood. These experiences can be significant traumatic events or repeated patterns of emotional distress.

AND...

I think I had mentioned somewhere that when I was younger I was not allowed to show anger. So, now when I feel put upon (for lack of a better word) my inner child want to do damage to that other person. It is certainly not something we/I would ever act upon. Rather, it feels like a growing fire in my belly., that eventually dies. In between it appears as grumpiness, unless I'm talking to a customer/client. 

And therapy and writing here help me with the above

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf,

I do understand your writing about your "angry" inner child.

All of those feelings that you described I carry remnants of also.

The word anger itself was not even used at our home.

"When you feel cross or mad about something" vaguely comes close to what I remember.

How to deal with such feelings is what is ingrained in my memory.

"Count to ten."

No small wonder that I am known to hold my breath without being aware.

My inner child who comes to the fore is the inner child of justice. I now visualise riding a majestic white horse with purpose.

Powerful to be in touch with our inner child.

I think that I can also resonate with that growing warmth rising within the tummy.  Only noticing after it has gone.

Grumpiness; agitation; irritability are a part of all of us.

Hard to work out what relates to past traumas and what is natural responses at times.

The intensity and overwhelming sensation is an indicator definitely.

It is good that writing here and reading responses from others helps you at times alongside your therapy.

I find that I need something in between my sessions.

Working on ourselves is something to be proud of. I am these days.

I hope that you are proud of yourself and the family man you have become.

Your words are helping others some who might not respond just read and absorb.

Take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Nicely said quirkywords

I am more than sure that you are a wonderful grandparent.

Ems

[Numbsad]

Thank you all for writing on this topic!

My father died 2 months ago, alone, in hospital because my siblings and I felt there was nothing he could say in those last days that would change a lifetime of how he treated us, and our mother.

I felt a great relief at his passing, but have now started to experience symptoms of deep grief which I don't know how to address or control. From above I can see that counselling and writing may be helpful, but I wanted to ask you all what has been the greatest help for you? Was it simply just rest?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Time... is the best but also going through that grief process should not be avoided or the ramifications can be that its a topic unending.

You might find your soother, plant a rose garden in his memory, hang a few pictures on a wall. They are reminders that he was your dad regardless.

My mother is still alive- 93yo. We have been estranged for 14 years. I wont see her. But she brought me into this world so I wont burn the albums. I do things that protect myself from more hurt and so I remind myself of her early nurturing.

TonyWK