Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[indigo22]

Hi Tim,

I hope you are managing ok.

I wanted to share a little of my experience with you. I didn't have a particularly comfortable relationship with my dad either. I would sometimes take them with me when I was singing with a band playing 60s and 70s music with lots of harmonies (so not heavy metal). Around about the second set that we did I would look out to see him disappear into the pokies and didn't see much more of him until it was time to go home. I'm not sure that he ever considered how insignificant that left me feeling.

Things did change somewhat after he had a couple of mini strokes that caused vascular dementia. At first he was angry and frustrated because he was no longer able to do certain things, but that settled after a while and I found that he had let some of the walls down that had prevented us from having a closer relationship. His personality hadn't really changed, he was just more approachable and a bit more affectionate. As the dementia got worse, his short term memory disappeared and I was able to take him to a happy place by asking him to tell me stories of when he was at sea in the Merchant Navy (this was around 1948-1950). He could remember those stories with clarity and I enjoyed watching his face light up as he told them.

When he passed, I felt the way you were describing about not knowing whether I was mourning the strong, reliable but short tempered and emotionally distant man that I knew all my life, or if I was mourning the loss of what could have been, something I had only a taste of at the end of his life. The answer is that I was mourning both at the same time.

It's confusing, you ask yourself "what exactly am I feeling'?, is it anger?, is it sadness?, is it irritation?, is it frustration? There is no answer but one to the all of those questions, it is grief.

That may, or may not be of any help to you, I hope that it is.

You are in my thoughts,

indigo

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf,

I am responding to your post to me on Monday.

I have found that this state of long term grief has bought even further confusion and at times fog to my brain.

So I have included directions for you. Is this wise from someone with a dreadful sense as in no sense of direction? Probably not. I will try for you; as the fog and confusion does my head in. It is starting to clear which is good news. Returns without notice along with the grief.

Why can't grief give us prior notice?

These days I get text messages to remind me about appointments.

Imagine receiving a text message about imminent feelings of grief returning today.

I am having periods of time where I notice that it is not there. Weird. Then for no rhyme or reason it has returned. Perhaps when I am tired.

Your words

Now here is the kicker, and it took your message to the realise this... when people ask how I am, I both want to swear at the person about what happened, and say that nothing else in my life has changed, so what am I supposed to feel. Did you want to me say I feel lousy, happy, good.

My response

We are allowed to feel irritated and annoyed with them and want to shout back.

That was meant to read that I feel this way in response to people asking how I am. I don't actually respond that way.

My upbringing was the same as yours in a household where there were very strict rules about language. Swearing was not heard until I started work.

The mask    hmm   that is a good question. I think that I might have had several variations depending on whose company I was in.

Family in general; in particular my extended family, often referred to as outlaws.

Yes I was never able to be myself. Sounds silly. A person needs to be in our shoes to understand that one I think.

I also wore a mask throughout my working career which helped me to learn and achieve more. I had successful careers and achieved promotions. I always worked with clients. So in those circumstances the mask helped me to be able to succeed.

When I finished working, the mask coming off revealed the pile of emotions that had not been expressed.

Therapy ongoing.

These days I would say that I don't wear a mask as I have, in recent years, learnt the art of setting boundaries which is far more effective and much kinder to me. It has taken some getting used to. Not only for myself but also for those who are the recipients of each boundary. Some people appear to be left feeling very perplexed and or angry as well.

Have you found setting personal boundaries with varying people helpful?

I hope that you too will start to notice moments where the grief is not present.

As with the grief itself, the beginning to lift is different for everyone also.

Take care smallwolf

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello again smallwolf,

I noticed your question as to whether he would be proud of you and that you hope so.

None of us can ever know how another feels or felt if it was never expressed. We carry more pain in hanging on to the not knowing.

I now remember some moments of joy, no matter how small,  that I shared with my father. Everything that he taught me which was so much. He was the only family member who loved my many questions.

I don't focus anymore on his absences due to his work and never hearing the words "I love you." My heart still hurts as I write this.

So I remember hearing him laugh. I knew instinctively that he loved me.

Are there any moments that you can remember? No matter how small.

I hope that helps

Ems

[smallwolf]

@Tony,

It's an interesting you ask about the ways parents raise their children. Part of the unknown is who were his role models - he was mainly raised by his mother and aunts. I don't know to what extent this played into it - he was born shortly before his own Dad died (WW2). He may have been work it out on his own. In the last years, and just before he saw a psychologist (6 sessions) he did not have any sort of emotional vocabulary. One of my uncles had belief that children are seen and not heard. All this probably reads somewhat confusing.

@indigo,

while I cannot tell you (musically) what was the turning point, in metal I found stories in lyrics I could relate to. And yes, there was also a lot of trash in the 80s. But it spoke to me as feeling like an outsider. In that space I felt I belonged or understood. And yet to others it was considered the Devil's music. Perhaps the things I am grieving is the lack of any real relationship. Not sure if this needs to the said, except that Mum (I feel) was also silently accepted whatever Dad said, even if she disagreed.

@Ems,

those words you mentioned never crossed his lips either. I am sure there were good moments. At the moment all I remember is every time I screwed up.

for the reasons (?) mentioned above,  and many more not said, is why I did a 180 degree turn with my own parenting. I know I am not perfect! But I know my son can speak with me about relationship problems and AFL and other things.

[blondguy]

Hey Tim

Disagreement only existed in 'Silence' ...Well said Tim! Being my real self wasn't acceptable either.

Many of the parents (especially fathers) had this silly overcharged sense of 'Pride' that was puerile and unhelpful where building their childs self esteem/self worth was concerned. 

 'Children are meant to be seen, not heard'  was another old pompous British saying that was commonplace when I was a kid. 

Absolutely Tim...your father would be very proud of you. You have helped so many people and never trumpeted about your/our roles as Community Champions. Thats strength Tim..Nice1

my kindest always 

Paul

[white knight]

Hi Tim, to quote Paul

Absolutely Tim...your father would be very proud of you. You have helped so many people and never trumpeted about your/our roles as Community Champions. Thats strength Tim..Nice1

I used to say to my mother (a female version of this character we are talking about, my dad was the salt of the earth)... "I worked in a jail mum, I was on the right side of the bars, why do you treat me as being on the incarcerated side"? So the "never good enough" feeling inside me was born ver early on and etched like a branding iron.

In my later years logic has become my saviour because my self confidence has grown from actions like building my own houses and successful projects, inventions and the like that has seen people admire and express same. Therefore eventually say 15 years ago I knew with certainty that my mothers criticisms of me were more to do with her mental illness issues that were never addressed. No parent would ever resort to ruining a sons wedding (1985) then forgiven by him, repeat that with a similar attempt (2011 and I had to resort to a court order to keep her away but I still had that inground fear she'd turn up!). So that logic and her denial in her own need for conflict made my decision to cut ties easier. She's 93 this year and altohugh I think about what could have been, I wont take the risk of more hurt by visiting her.

My real point was that Paul touched on it, your community champs record and no doubt your "good person" demeanour or contribution to society is proof enough that you deserve society's rubber stamp. Your dad might have always been low on ink but he would have had the item on his desk.

TonyWK

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf

Thank you for writing and including me.

I am sorry to read that you also never heard those words that we so wanted to hear from one of our parents.

My mother didn't say it either. I introduced it along with hugs and after many years of hugging stiff cardboard effergies there was some change and mum in the latter days did say the words to me. She was in her 90's then so it took that long. I lost my dad when I was younger.

For those of us who can express our love for our family members and friends it can be very hard to understand why others cannot do the same. I know for myself it is something that I have carried my whole life. I am now able to tell myself, as I wrote about before, that sometimes it is as a result of their life experience and or how they were brought up. You also mentioned that your father was in the merchant navy during the second world war.

I was thinking about the losses that he might have witnessed or been affected by.

My  dad had many losses within his large family from an early age and was brought up by a spinster sister (his terms) whom he did not particularly like.  He had lost a brother, two sisters and both parents by the age of 25. He had also served in the british airforce stationed overseas, during the war. He talked a little about life then mostly about the food and the eagles who swooped to steal the cutlery off of their plates as they carried them from the mess hall.  He had a very dry sense of humour too also dark at times. I wonder if this was his coping mechanism also to help his grief that he might not even been aware of having.  It wasn't really talked about was it.

As you know loss is grief and multiple losses build up if not dissipated before another one occurring.  I have been thinking about this recently and as sad as it is I do not feel so alone with my multiple losses now.

I wonder how many losses your dad had apart from people passing away.

All of this aside these are your feelings, your story, your experience and your writing about such is helping you even if it might not feel like it.

Grief also messes with our memory and everyday thinking so I should stop asking you questions shouldn't I.

Yes, you have a lovely relationship with your son if there is father son communication about relationship problems.  That is beautiful for both of you. Football and other things, anything in fact all helps.

We do not have to be clones of our parents. Perhaps there is something in that. They have taught us to be ourselves and follow our own values. That is a good thing.

Oh I don't let the word perfection exist in my world. Striving for improvement a different kettle of fish.

I think that you are managing this day by day journey from what I read in your replies.

I also feel at ease in writing to you. That is testament to who smallwolf is.  I would like to say to you, if you don't mind,

be proud of yourself as a person as well as a parent.

Thank you for helping me by helping yourself

Ems

[smallwolf]

Hi Ems...

first things... never stop asking questions - we can learn more about each other that way. 🙂 In my head, to stop asking questions could be seen as knowing it all? Or perhaps, leads to assumptions. Ask what you want, I am am mostly an open book.

talking about feelings and emotions is a recent thing really, at least as far as people from the country are concerned. A few years back I was chatting with someone at SFC who needed (?) help in the 90s and to him, even then it was not mentioned at all.

But that aside, my Dad was quite narrow minded as well. And things had to the done a certain way, and to do any differently was wrong. It doesn't make him a bad person? It did make learning from him hard.

In writing here I am looking to make sense of it all. Cause it certainly isn't what I thought it would be.

Which takes me back to the  top of this message. Feel free to ask more questions.

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf

I am still on the computer and just read your invitation to ask more questions and though why not.

You might regret this.

Here goes.

Do you mind my looking at your thoughts about your dad from a different perspective?

My reason is not because I think that you are wrong to have these thoughts and feelings. Not in the least.

This is something that my brain does naturally and helps me occasionally see things differently and change my opinion.

I want to reassure you that I understand your questioning him and everything that was missing between you both. I have done that.

You are still in early days also.

I just read that your dad never got to know his dad so he did not have a father role at all. I wonder how the family dynamics were as that would have been very hard on your mum with a new baby. I know that you are close to your mum which is lovely.

He also was in the military forces where everything is regimented, filed in a box, scrubbed, polished shined, start all over again. routine routine routine. Some leave the forces and struggle to adjust to real world life.

Close up even more.

None of this denies your feelings. Thought might help if it seen as not intentional. You know him better than me though.

Take care

Ems

[smallwolf]

Ems,

questions from you or anyone else I don't mind.  But right now I don't have any answers. Just watching son play games on XBox. Perhaps this is my thought for today. And maybe reserved for my psychologist or ... in death, dad is just as emotionally present as in life.