Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[blondguy]

Tim......my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your father....

You mentioned '  I do not feel the anguish or depression I “should” at my father’s death. But my mind and body act otherwise' 

Same here Tim back in 2016 with my father. I understand your pain clearly

You come first now Tim...all other considerations are secondary during this time

Hugs and my kindest for you Tim 

Paul 

[smallwolf]

Hi Ems,

Thanks for your reply. 

Tell me... what sort of humour to do you go to? 

Me... quite dark. Or very dark. With a hint of sarcasm thrown in.

You said that people have you not to dwell on it. For myself, it is the opposite. It has been a week and a bit since the funeral. I have found that at the moment the only thing different is that my thinking is a little inhibited. One can easily make the argument this is brain fog and related to grief and I would not disagree.

Now here is the kicker, and it took your message to the realise this... when people ask how I am, I both want to swear at the person about what happened, and say that nothing else in my life has changed, so what am I supposed to feel. Did you want to me say I feel lousy, happy, good. 

And Mum is still around! 

Here is the thing... even in the years before things got worse for Dad, conversations were always awkward. Whereas, Mum and i could talk about things happening in our lives to each other, this and for whatever reasons could never happen with Dad. There was a time when I spent each Friday with my parents and occasionally we would go to the city and see a film and then have lunch together. Once the film ended, ask him what he though about it and the only response was that it was OK. Keep in mind these were not mainstream movies, and Mum would check whether Dad would like it or not. in that respect, the relationship was complex in the same was non-existent - as harsh as that sounds.

have to have a chat with my son about GF issues. Yay!

[white knight]

EMS

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/grief-and-loss/coping-with-grief/td-p/269738

A few quotes I've heard or created...

• Grief cant be dissolved only pushed aside until it withers 
• A parents demeanour was there before I came along
• Watch a bee gather nectar, then pick that flower and run with it
• You did your best, no one even you, has to prove it
• I'm not in this world to live up to others expectations...

TonyWK

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf

I love your name.

 "what sort of humour do I go to?"

My first response would have been. Hard to describe as it just rises up and surprises me at times.

Then "dark" well yes that does fit, according to my therapist. He loves it.

I am still adjusting. My humour has always been more dry, bordering on sarcastic. It has currently darkened.

Whatever it is it is helping.

Your state of mind is familiar that blank stage. A form of shock really.

That has passed for me now. However I keep on receiving more bad news and because I had two other funerals within less than a year this pile of grief has hit me hard.

So when I say dwell. I allow the blank period and am just starting to have more moments of clarity then boom.

I realise for me that I have spent a great part of my life either in some form of dissociation, depression, anxiety, autopilot, wearing a mask.

The me who hurts from loss was left buried under all of the piles, until the brain said enough. Too many now. Pay attention to life and most of all self!

Probably sounds like goobledy-gook.

My relationship was better with my father than my mother. My father was away, working quite often when we were younger though and this I found hard.

Yes I feel very mad with the whole world as well. 

I feel annoyed when they ask how I am as I realise it is the same matter of fact greeting that they give to everyone.   How are you? Not really wanting to know.

We are allowed to feel irritated and annoyed with them and want to shout back.

Someone else wrote about stages. I don't really believe that fits me. My emotions are all over the place so not really stages. More like random phases that come and go. Some lasting longer than others.

Continue writing if it helps.

I love questions by the way. A good way to help yourself through this.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Thank you TonyWK

I have to say that I like all five of those quotes.

The first so true  I am going to think of mine as dissipating

The second one is reassuring to read

The third delightful allowing me to feel childlike still

The fourth one I need to remind myself of so often

The fifth I am working very hard at

Brings me back to running with that flower

I think that you must have been writing at the same time as I was as your post was not there when I started to write back to smallwolf

Ems

[smallwolf]

Thanks Paul. 🙂

[smallwolf]

Hey Ems,

I have elsewhere on the forums about my name and there is meaning in the name, at least for me.

You may know this (?) but the stages of grief was originally for the person dying vs those left behind.

We also made peace with what was happening with Dad when he was in palliative care. On Sunday, at church, someone came over to me to give their condolences to me - it was nice. At the same time, they also seemed sadder for me than I was. That am seem cold, but to say otherwise would be wrong. There may be days in the upcoming weeks my opinion and how I feel may change.  But that is a day by day thing. 

Just going back to the humor stuff... my psychiatrist describes mine as morbid. She likes that. For me... I guess it is a type of coping strategy. She will also say that it's OK swear. I will add the following though... in the right space and context.

Unlike yourself, when younger, were not "allowed" to get irritated or shout back. I also had to learn to hide my feelings. (But that is another topic.) It also meant that I could not be my real self. 

Btw - not goobledy-gook. I sorta get what you are saying. 

Does it mean we can remove part of the mask we have worn for so long?

[blondguy]

Hey Tim

Your loss is very very recent and what you mentioned below is spot on Tim.

You mentioned 'the stages of grief was originally for the person dying vs those left behind' 

Grieving is such a difficult and protracted period of time as you know Tim. I can relate so well with your situation you also mentioned 'when younger, were not "allowed" to get irritated or shout back'  I hear you there..ugh!

Your father would be so proud of you Tim.

my kindest always

Paul

[smallwolf]

Hi Paul,

I suspect it might be a generational thing? A reflection on how he/they were raised? 

but that also meant that perhaps you were not allowed to be your real self, or say what you believed. So while I lived at home, disagreement exists only in silence. 

Would he be proud of me? 

I hope. 

[white knight]

Hi Tim

I'm always interested in how some parents choose the technique of moulding their kids how they want them to be, rather than nurture and guide their own childs natural personality.

I think he would be proud of your effort on the day. 

TonyWK