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my nonna has pancreatic cancer
Since January life has just seemed impossible.. First I made the decision to quit my job for many reasons, we then found out our cat has cancer and to top it off found out my Nonna has cancer.
Trying to find a job and getting rejections for jobs that I know I am fully qualified for is testing my patience and makes me feel like I am not good enough for these jobs.
When we found out our cat had cancer I felt like my world was going to end.. Our cats are our kids.. It was a roller coaster ride for us.. At one point we thought we were going to have to put him down.. thankfully we got a third opinion and they gave us the option to do chemotherapy(which we were not going to say not to).. We know the risks that come with doing that to him but we aren't ready to lose him.. Even when he goes into remission he will only have 8-10 months, but to us that is a blessing to have him with us for that time.
Not long after we found out about our cat, my life was again shattered with the news that my nonna has pancreatic cancer.. I struggle to make sense as to why this is happening to her. Recently we found out she only has 6 weeks left. To watch a family member or anyone for that matter suffer is heart breaking, but for me to watch a woman who is to me the strongest person I know is shattering.
Everyday I wonder how am I going to live without her.. I don't want to go to sleep at night because it means the next day will come sooner and that will be one day closer to us losing her.. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat because I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness, I don't feel happy anymore. I feel so angry that this is happening to her and wonder why this can't be happening to a horrible person(criminal, murderer).. I was never a big drinker but now I like to have a few drinks because it makes me feel some what better, even if just for a short time..
I wish I could just wake up and feel happy even for just one day.. I know that there are people who are going through worse, but I just needed to talk to someone about this, because I don't want to burden my family or boyfriend as they have other things to worry about..
I strongly suggest talking about your Nonna with your family, and about your cat with your boyfriend. I suspect you will find them grieving too, and this is a good opportunity to comfort each other. It is this process of comfort that helps us ride this roller coaster without losing our minds.
If you try to ride it alone it will be the scariest thing ever, and may cause psychological scarring. Also, by comforting each other now it will feel more natural to comfort each other when you really need to be comforted, because you know that one day they will die. This is an unavoidable truth, and you need to prepare for it.