My mum died this week

[elle56]

My mum died this week she wasn't a particularly good mother and we didn't have contact for the last 3 years I'm absolutely mortified that she didn't have a funeral and I'm confused as to why I'm feeling so upset. She was physically and emotionally abusive all my life. She was the one that stopped contacting me she made excuses about not being able to hear me on the phone etc. She wrote me nasty letters about things I didn't do.   There was no funeral she had no friends I find that so sad after all she was my mother good or bad. She was 95 when she passed . No one was at her bedside when she died. I live in another state from her but there was no reason for her to not contact me she told me not to contact her. This is really doing my head in I feel sad because she had no one there when she passed but I'm also angry at how she treated me. I'm finding myself now petrified of my own  death.

[Sophie_M]

Hi elle56, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your openness and bravery in sharing such a powerful post. We’re so sorry to hear what’s been going on. This must be incredibly difficult, and it sounded like a challenging relationship. Remember to be kind to yourself during this time.

It’s really important to look after yourself, your mental health and your wellbeing through a time like this. The Beyond Blue counsellors are always here for you on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat. Thanks again for sharing, you never know who might be helped by reading this, so please feel free to update your thread anytime.

Hopefully some of our lovely community members will spot it here soon enough and may have some understanding or advice for you.   Feel free to come back to your thread if you feel comfortable, we’re here to help you work through this.  

Kind regards, 
Sophie M 

[tranzcrybe]

I think we can retain love for our parents (and all those we care about) despite not always loving the way they have behaved toward us.
And when it all comes down to the essence of things, it is amazing how these notches and barbs along the way tend to seem so pointless when we reflect on everything after the fact.
Blame is a stage of grief, as is anger toward them and you, with guilt and fears circulating in your thoughts - this is how we process the intangible and it can often come with pain and inner turmoil.
If you can, allow these emotions to find their own way - observe and acknowledge how you feel whenever it surfaces (and these can be quite sporadic) with a mix of emotions, often an ambivalence of joy and sorrow arising from memories long suppressed.
And while what I say is directed at you, I feel the same message can resonate with the departed in their own part in the sorrow for holding on to grievance in spite of themselves.

[blondguy]

Hello elle56

My sincere condolences for the loss of your mum. I understand your situation with my dad when he passed away at 81 even though we locked horns frequently.

Sometimes it can help us find some peace when we slowly utilize 'true acceptance' of our loss despite how badly we were treated over such a protracted period of time.

If I can mention Tranzcrybe's post especially when mentioning 'If you can, allow these emotions to find their own way "

Please take your time to digest what has happened with the passing of your mum....

If you want to post any thoughts about your mum/yourself you are always more than welcome elle

In the meantime please be gentle to yourself....and thankyou so much for being a part of the Beyond Blue Family too Elle56

my kindest always

Paul

Beyond Blue Volunteer