My grief seems to be getting worse

[BundysMum]

I lost my partner of 27 years on May 12th. My sorrow seems to be getting worse with every day that passes.Is this normal?

[pipsy]

I'm so sorry for your recent, sad loss.  The feelings you are experiencing are very normal.  The grieving process is different for everyone, but the main grief everyone suffers is (believe it or not) anger.  They feel very angry that their partner is no longer there to help with decision making.  The anger then turns to guilt for feeling anger.  You only lost him in May, I know at present you're probably living in a sort of cloud, bewildered by your loss.  Even though you may have known he was dying, knowing, and believing it is also very hard.  Is there some sort of support for widows in your area that you could contact, just to talk about your feelings of loss.  Perhaps grief counselling.  The hardest parts are going to bed at night, sleeping, getting up in the morning.  Even having meals can sometimes be difficult.  You probably even feel as though you want to join him.  Yes, these feelings are all normal parts of the grieving process.  In time they will pass, this is something that no-one can tell you - how long will you feel this way.  With some people, a couple of months, with some - never.  These are the extreme  cases.  If you had a close, loving relationship, it's harder.  A neighbour of mine lost her husband after 52 years.  It's been nearly 3 years, but she still talks to him.  I know she still 'hears' him giving her advice.  She has now 'forgiven' him for dying, but that's only happened in the last couple of months.  Forgiveness is also part of the grieving process, that's when you start to 'let go'.

Hope this has helped.  I would definitely try getting in touch with grief counselling.

All the best, my love.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bundy's Mum

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your partner.

Your feelings are normal. As Pipsy has said, even if you knew he was dying it would be hard when the time came. You are concerned because you feel your grief is increasing. This too is normal. When a beloved person dies there is a feeling of numbness and disbelief. One part of you knows what happened but the feeling part has not yet had time to accept this.

As time goes on the realisation of your loss becomes more evident. He's not there when you want to comment on something, you cook a meal and he is not at the table.These things bring back to you the reality of your loss and every time it hurts more and you grieve more.

By now most of your support group have stopped phoning you to check on how you are going. Not because they do not care but because they also have lives to run. It's too soon for you to be on your own. Perhaps you could phone one or more of these friends and ask them to visit you or phone you as you need some support or company.

It is a very hard time. While it is true that the hurt will lessen in time it feels like cold comfort at the moment. Try to keep caring people around for a while, not to lean on but to help you manage for a little while longer.

The rawness of the loss is still painful. Stop trying to be brave about it, if this is what is happening. Accept that you are hurting and that it's OK. Reminisce as much as you want. It really helps the pain. If others try to change the subject tell them it helps.  Often people are hesitant to talk about someone who has died for fear of upsetting you. Tell them it's OK. Remembering the good stuff is a help.

Please write in again if it helps you.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there bundys mum

I’d like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your post.  So few words, but wow, in just a few words, it’s revealed a lot.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner and just as Pipsy and White Rose have both before me said, please accept my condolences also.

I do hope you’ve found some comfort, even if just a small bit, by receiving those two lovely responses back and I’m here just to add my little bit also.

Yes, this loss is just so fresh and so raw for you, as it’s been hardly any time and I can imagine your mind being dominated by this every waking moment (and quite possibly in your sleep, your subconscious, also – and if that’s the case, that makes for a more tired day the next day, as your sleep is punctuated and can leave you waking a bit exhausted instead of being largely rested).

This feeling of sorrow, of loss, of grief is totally natural and we all go through this in our own way and in our own time.  There is no right or wrong with this – everyone is different and as such we deal with this in totally different ways, in totally differing levels of emotion and also time-frames.  So please please, do not be concerned by this at all.  The main thing at this time is for you to be seeking out as much support for yourself as you can manage.

Obviously you don’t want too much, otherwise you can get the feeling of being smothered (but I’ve only kind of felt that between the death and the funeral, where you have so many people coming around all the time), it’s once the funeral has taken place, that people seem to trickle away.

But do you have any options for support at the moment?

Do you have any other family members, children?   Who might be available to spend time with you.

Just a quick side-note before I send this on, that when my brother died and later my Dad, my Mum would say ‘good night’ to them both EVERY night as she went to bed.  I just wanted to share that with you.

Please write back;  it would be wonderful to hear from you again.

Kind regards

Neil