My beautiful Wilby

Harpbird · ‎16-07-2020

Hi every one, my first post I will try to keep it short. I miss my grandson so much . It’s killing me inside.i was at his very short birth. My daughter rang me 3am when William was 24 days old. She was so tired, had a sick 3yo and hubby with the flue. William who we called Wilby had a cough. So I got over there , sent her to bed for some sleep and looked after Wilby, in the 4 hours I cuddled that sweet bub he wouldn’t drink his bottle. Well his little family woke and I told my daughter to give him some breast milk as he wouldn’t drink any bottle, then I said he was lethargic let’s take him to hospital he is dehydrated. As I put Wilby in the car he gave a little grin. 25 minutes later we get to hospital, my daughter gets his bag and it’s my job to put my grandsons in and out of the cars. As I got him out I thought he was asleep, as I wrapped him in his blankie he made a terrible sound, as I looked at him, he was gone , I screamed to my daughter as I have her Wilby and yelled to her run. After what seen like hours they got a pulse. Well really 3 hospitals and 4 days later he took his last breath. That dear sweet Wilby was dying in my arms and I didn’t know. What kind of granma am I? I am not coping and still see his mum’s pain in her eyes and the heart break as she held him for hours . Then to drive 2 hours home without him in his car seat. I breath him, think about him Every moment of the day and really want to be with him . I just can’t get over the thought if I’d only woke her and said let’s go now , Wilby would still be here. Sad granma

Ggrand · ‎06-08-2020

Hello Harpbird,

I’m so very deeply sorry about what happened to your beautiful Wilby...It must be so devastating for you and your sweet daughter and her family...No words I can say are strong enough to express anything to ease your pain..I would like to say...That what happened isn’t your fault..You loved and still do love beautiful. Wilby and you never ever would do anything except giving him your love and the very best you could in caring for him..l

Please dear lady..you can’t blame yourself for what happened...it wasn’t your fault..blaming yourself is sad and will take away any pleasure that you can have with your little grandson and new grand baby which will be born soon...Little beautiful Wilby will always be held deeply within your heart..forever..Please try hard to remember the sweet baby he was with good happy memories....and the joy you had while baby sitting him...

Your daughter wanting you to baby sit your new grand baby is so beautiful...and she is letting you know by doing so that she trust you, loves you and wants you to be a huge part of her little family and your grandchildren’s lives..

Please Harpbird..Your daughter needs you to be the main carer for new baby...Please don’t be afraid to do this..Give your grandson and new granbaby your love and care..without fear of something going wrong...Enjoy them lovely lady..Your grandson needs you, loves you and your time together with happiness...New baby will as well...

I’m sorry if I have said wrong to you..it’s a very delicate topic to talk about..I can hear in your words that you are a beautiful and very caring grandmother...

Here for you Harpbird any time you feel up to talking..

Sending you my kindest thoughts with care..

Grandy..

White_Rose · ‎06-08-2020

Dear Harpbird

My heart breaks for you. Such a load of grief, pain and guilt. The guilt is wrong. It cannot be your fault because you did your best. You could point to the actions of others and say it was their fault but none of it is true. My daughter lost her baby some years ago and still grieves for him. She is living her life and doing the best she can for her daughter. It is the grandchildren you have with you that need you.

If your daughter thought it was your fault she would not be entrusting her precious new baby to you when she returns to work. There was nothing you could do to prevent the baby passing. He may well have gone even if you went to the hospital earlier. It is your grief that is causing you so much pain. It is also the reason why you feel guilty. I don't have the words to help you past this point but I wish I did.

Sophie has given you some helplines to try. Please keep trying. All psychologists are not the same as I know only too well.Some do just sit and listen. They believe in not prompting you in case you get off track. Others will hold a conversation. When you go to a new person ask them you what they expect from you. Once you can engage with them it will be so much more comfortable. I expect there will be tears but this is good. Mourning takes time and tears. You will find your grief become less sharp and overwhelming in time even though you will always miss Wilby.

Please continue to post here if it helps. We are always here.

Mary

Harpbird · ‎20-02-2021

Thanks for all your words. I have been to my GP to sort out some help and seeing a psychologist in two weeks. I still can’t have my grandson over night. So that he can’t stay over I have moved all other beds from the house. My daughter has been leaving her new bub Who is now 4 months with me to run errands but I am too scared to put her down to sleep and constantly watching her breathing . I do love her so much but the whole time I have her I am constantly thinking about our Wilby who will be two next week. I know living in constant pain doesn’t help as I struggle to hold her. Her mum goes back to work at the end of next month and I am totally panicking.

Ggrand · ‎21-02-2021

Hello Dear Harpbird...

I think it’s beautiful that you have the honour of looking after your new grand daughter...It’s so sad what happened to your beautiful Wilby...and my heart still aches for you since I first read your post....I could never imagine the pain you felt and are still feeling....It wasn’t your fault what happened...and your beautiful daughter believes that as well....

Little Wilby..will always be loved by you deep in your heart..tucked away with beautiful memories of the love and time you had with each other...

Please..beautiful Harpbird..enjoy your precious grand daughter...love her, play with her....It’s okay if your too scared to put her down to sleep and listen to her breathing...That’s your love shining through your lovely soul that you have for her...I hope that in time you can relax a little around her....

May I ask you dear Harpbird...if you reached out to grief counselling at all....if not is it something that you might consider at all....I hope that you seeing a psychologist will help you manage your pain....

Please keep talking here when you feel like it....

Sending you my care, and a gentle warm hug..dear Harpbird....

Grandy..

Harpbird · ‎21-02-2021

Thank you so much Ggrand for your beautiful reply. You are a beautiful person.
Two weeks before my our Wilby was born I lost a dear friend. 6 hours before Wilby was born my almost 18 year old mini poodle passed away in my arms, I was guttered. But Wilby came and mended my heart 💖. Those 4 weeks could never have been more precious. I have every photo taken of him in and album on my bedside table and a friend had my favourite photo of him printed on fabric and made into a pillow. So I can still cuddle him. It sits next to his album so his little face is the first thing I see each morning , I tell him I love him all the time, he is always there for me. yes GGrand I will keep that psychologist appointment I am at a crossroads now and really do want to be able to have my grandkids overnight . My sweet granddaughter was at the hospital at 3am this morning and has bronchitis. She is home now and I need to move pass this guilt so I can help my daughter. Thank you lovely. Harpbird

Ggrand · ‎22-02-2021

Dearest Harpbird...

What a beautiful idea the pillow with Wilby’s photo on it....That is so precious...

I am deeply saddened by the loss of your beautiful fur baby..That is so sad...I have 2 little fur babies...a mother and her daughter....They are my life and love them dearly....

I am wondering if you are going to get another fur baby...I know how hard that could be for you...Not to replace your little poodle..moreso to keep you company and a companion for you and your grandchildren to love and grow together....

I am really pleased your keeping your appointment with your psychologist...I really hope that they can help you and you feel able to have your grandchildren stay the night...Something I cannot do as they live a long away from me....

I hope your precious grand daughter is improving and giving you lots of loving hugs and smiles....You are also a very beautiful person person Harpbird....and you deserve to be free of pain so you can enjoy the company of your grandchildren with a peaceful heart and soul....and help your beautiful daughter the best you can...

Please lovely lady...keep us updated on how you’re feeling..my heart has a very soft spot for you....no pressure to reply or keep us updated...I care about you and want to be here for you the best I can...

My kindest wishes and thoughts....and a gentle caring hug..🤗..

Grandy..

Harpbird · ‎24-02-2021

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hello Ggrand,
yes my little Wilby pillow was a beautiful gift from my friend, I cherish it dearly.

My sweet little fur baby was with me always. Got him a a tiny puppy and he could do a lot of tricks, though did suffer a little separation anxiety in the last few years.

You mention another fur baby. I grew up with poodles all my life. I wasn’t going to get another pup but My daughter who lost her bub did get me another puppy for my birthday three months later. She said I needed a “ cuddle buddy” it’s a foxy x Maltese. Oh my word she is so high maintenance lol , if I leave the house she cries all the time and just chews her feet red raw. Basically attached to me where ever I am at home. But does listen when I feed her and say no , she won’t touch her treat till I say OK . We do have my sons staffy here, now that is a good dog, she won’t go past the door to come inside, knows she isn’t aloud and if the gates open she lays there till we come back in. I have three acres so the dogs have plenty of room to run.

I seen my osteopath today, he is so easy to talk to and is very happy I have made a psychologist appointment. He has given me his mobile number if I ever need him to ring. He is treating my daughters too so knows us very well,

my granddaughter is a little better today, we had bubs back with the gp yesterday and she has an ear infection, so I think the antibiotics have started to work.

I know I won’t ever be pain free I just have to get onto of these flare ups and find out what is causing my feet to hurt so much, I am pretty sure it’s nerve damage and it’s just getting these medical professionals to organise there dang paper work.

my daughter and family are coming over tomorrow As her son wants to send some balloons up in the sky so Wilby will be able to play with them for his 2nd birthday.

Thank you sweet Ggrand 😘

Harpbird · ‎25-02-2021

I had me sweet grandson today after school. We went and brought balloons to let go in the sky for his little brother to play with in heaven. He chose a rather large silver number 2 . A pink balloon and a blue balloon. I asked him if he wanted a cake for Wilbys birthday? He said no, Wilbys got cake up there. But then he chose a rainbow cake as Wilby likes rainbows. we got to the checkout out and the young boy ask my grandson if the cake was for him? He said no it’s for Wilby, I then had to explain its for his baby brother in heaven.
My grandson held his baby sister on their lawn as he said happy birthday and let the balloons go. Happy birthday my dear sweet Wilby, I will love you until my little angel 👼.

Ggrand · ‎25-02-2021

Dear Harpbird,,,,

I had tears in my eyes as I read your post...I think the balloons we beautiful..

If it’s okay..,I would love to wish your precious little angel a Happy Birthday...

Dear lovely Harpbird......This is something that I love and hope you do as well......Their is no footprint too small...That it cannot leave an imprint in this world...🦋🕊👼..and in our hearts..

Kind and warm thoughts lovely lady....

Grandy..

Harpbird · ‎05-03-2021

Thank you grandy.

It sure was a very special moment seeing the kids let the balloons go up to heaven, though little miss is too young to know what’s happening, we tell her about her big brother in heaven .

well I had lil miss for two days and even over night, I didn’t sleep a wink as I kept checking on her making sure she was breathing. I was exhausted but I did it. She slept through till 5 am and woke with a huge poo explosion 🤢 it was everywhere, almost come out her neck hole. But had the most beautiful smiles to great me good morning.