My beautiful Wilby

Harpbird · ‎16-07-2020

Hi every one, my first post I will try to keep it short. I miss my grandson so much . It’s killing me inside.i was at his very short birth. My daughter rang me 3am when William was 24 days old. She was so tired, had a sick 3yo and hubby with the flue. William who we called Wilby had a cough. So I got over there , sent her to bed for some sleep and looked after Wilby, in the 4 hours I cuddled that sweet bub he wouldn’t drink his bottle. Well his little family woke and I told my daughter to give him some breast milk as he wouldn’t drink any bottle, then I said he was lethargic let’s take him to hospital he is dehydrated. As I put Wilby in the car he gave a little grin. 25 minutes later we get to hospital, my daughter gets his bag and it’s my job to put my grandsons in and out of the cars. As I got him out I thought he was asleep, as I wrapped him in his blankie he made a terrible sound, as I looked at him, he was gone , I screamed to my daughter as I have her Wilby and yelled to her run. After what seen like hours they got a pulse. Well really 3 hospitals and 4 days later he took his last breath. That dear sweet Wilby was dying in my arms and I didn’t know. What kind of granma am I? I am not coping and still see his mum’s pain in her eyes and the heart break as she held him for hours . Then to drive 2 hours home without him in his car seat. I breath him, think about him Every moment of the day and really want to be with him . I just can’t get over the thought if I’d only woke her and said let’s go now , Wilby would still be here. Sad granma

white knight · ‎16-07-2020

Hi, welcome,

You know there is little anyone can do to ease the enormous pain of guilt and grief.

Yet what your actions and inactions were was perfectly normal and it’s what anyone else would have done....fact.

Your intentions was to be loving granma and you were. You were also a supportive mum.

So what is important now? If it isn’t obvious to you- it’s to continue doing what you do best- set aside this tragic event and fight on, being that loving mum and grandparent.

I do have a post that I wrote about guilt in general that might help you a little. In the search bar at the top of the page put this in-

guilt the tormentor

I hope you stay on the forum and find it beneficial.

kind regards

TonyWK

geoff · ‎17-07-2020

Hello Harpbird, it's not easy for us to relay our deepest sympathy and sincere condolences on the loss of your precious grandson and dearly saddens us to know what you and your family have to try and cope with.

Can we wish you the strength and please suggest that a visit to your doctor would be advisable.

Being a grandparent, as I am, seems to be the key to try and stabilise a most unfortunate situation you are now placed in, but you also need the assistance by your GP and hope you can still converse with us.

We understand the gravity of the position you are facing from day to day and would dearly want to help.

My thoughts.

Geoff.

Harpbird · ‎19-07-2020

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes I am chock full of guilt for not reading all the signs that looking back could have saved our sweet bub. My daughter her hubby had a room in PICU ward , next to bub. The Thursday night Wilby lost his fight . Most of our extended family had gone home , just me my hubby and my daughters 3 year old stayed till morning, I had my 3 year old grandsons in bed with me and he stopped breathing , so I whacked him on his chest. He started crying , what the heck ? I cried for hours, what kind of grandma does that. My oldest daughter said it was a dream, huh no it wasn’t, I hadn’t slept or eaten for 4 days. Now I am too scared to let him sleep over. What if he dies on my watch ? He still thinks we left his baby brother at the hospital to get a new brain. It’s killing me. Harpbird

Harpbird · ‎19-07-2020

Hi Geoff, thanks for the reply. I have been to my gp, had no choice. My daughter had organised heart tests on her son to check he was ok. She told me if I didn’t get help she won’t tell me the results. So I went and got a referral for a psychologist. I did go twice, found it was the most uncomfortable thing to do, she just opposite me staring and writing stuff down. My heart was hurting so much reliving this. So never went back. I just feel I have let my daughter down in the worse possible way. Harpbird

white knight · ‎19-07-2020

Hi

Psychologists have their methods. I’d assume writing things down and not commenting is a sure sign if not being judgemental or being reserved until a proper diagnosis is decided.

From this and your fears it is clear to me that as good as a forum can be- your need for professional help is obvious.

Regardless,we are here to support you but we cannot provide treatment.

Dear Harpbird, please pursue the help you need.

TonyWK

Sophie_M · ‎19-07-2020

Hi Harpbird,

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do and you have shown a lot of strength in sharing your story. We are so sorry for your loss, we can't imagine how devastated you must feel. Please know that you've come to a safe space and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need. It sounds like you're in a really tough space right now and we think it might help to talk it out. We understand that you have mentioned feeling uncomfortable during your last experience reaching out for support, but we'd really encourage you not to be put off by one or even a couple of negative experiences. Like anything in life, mental health professionals with different skill sets, and even different personalities, can meet your needs and expectations in different ways.

We'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline on 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for ongoing support. If you feel up to it, we'd also welcome you to talk through these feelings with our Support Service which is available to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

Harpbird · ‎05-08-2020

Back again. Still struggling . Worse than ever now. I have tried to get onto another psychologist about a month ago but they never got back to me. My sweet daughter who lost her bub has 8 weeks to go till she has her third child. I am in total panic as she tells me I am to be bubs main carer when she goes back to work, I can’t bare the though of looking after this new bub. I am excited for her and her older child who will be 5 this month. Sorry shouldn’t have chimed in , I had a couple of drink and dieing on the inside .

Harpbird · ‎06-08-2020

I just can’t bare the thought of thinking , Bubs would still be here if it wasn’t for me . His brother wouldn’t have had such a hard time if I had of read the signs earlier. Why didn’t I speak up, ?

Aaronsis · ‎06-08-2020

Hello Harpbird

I am so beyond sorry at the loss of Wilby, what an absolutely horrific time this must have been for you and for your family. I really cannot even begin to even put thoughts together let alone words as to how this must have been for you. I need you to know though that you did nothing wrong here. I cannot see one part of that scenario in which you were to blame. That could have been anyone in your family who put him in and out of the car, that could have been any one in your family that fed him his bottle. You noticed he was a little lethargic and you took him to his mother.

I know that no matter what anyone says or anyone does you feel the guilt of Wilby's passing and I can totally understand that. I hope though that there is some tiny part of you that does know you are not to blame here, you were not at fault.

I am so glad that your daughter is supporting you and encouraging you to get some help, it is not easy to do but you did it. Just as in life we don't always connect with everyone so too we don't always connect with the people who are to give us medical help. Can I ask you though to keep trying, to keep going until you find someone to help you through this. They are out there.

I just do not want you to be robbed of the most precious thing which is being a grand parent, you deserve to love and to spend time with your grandchildren without the fear and the pain and the worry that you carry with you today. You have a right to take care of them and know that you can, that you are capable and that what happened that day with Wilby is no indication of your ability to love and take care of them.

I lost my brother last year and I know the train of thought of "what if's". It has taken me some time and still to this day I have to sit with it as there is nothing, absolutely nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome of that day. I am wondering if you will allow yourself to have this peace too? You did all you could, you did what you thought best, how could anyone ask for more?

Grief is a journey and there are so many different elements and no rule book. Please allow yourself to grieve Wilby at the same time as you forgive yourself. There is no time frame and no one can tell you how to do it, but it is important you go through the journey.

Reach out to us, we are here for you.

Keep searching for a counselor that you connect with, it makes such a difference, it really does.

Hugs to you Harpbird, my heart is heavy for you

Sarah