My angel is gone

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know that my two little birds and my partner are my world. My partner had a heart and lung transplant two years ago. His body is now rejecting those lungs and they have thrown every treatment at it they can, to no avail. His health is in steady decline, the lungs severely damaged. In all likelihood he will need another transplant. There is no guarantee of finding a suitable donor in time. We don't know how this will play out, how long he has left. That is cause enough for grief.

Throughout the many hospital stays this year, there have been a few scares and vet trips for our first-born little bird, Sir Pecks (not his real name). It took so long for them to even identify why he was unwell. His liver had become very enlarged and was causing him great discomfort. He was so sleepy all the time, was frantic about eating, he barely sang or preened any more. He was struggling to breathe. Our sweet, happy little bird, our child, who loved to sing at the top of his lungs right in our ears, who loved to play and bathe and pinch bits of our breakfast, is now gone. We feel so empty and lost and heartbroken to be without him. That in no way diminishes our love for his brother, of course, but our grief is so huge. It's hard to face each day, knowing he won't be there, screaming at us for attention and getting into everything. I miss him so much, and I am scared for my partner. I feel like my family is crumbling and I have no power to do anything about it. How do you live with grief like this?

[geoff]

Hello BlueClues, so much has happenerd in such a short time, but the loss of your lovely pet will affect you much more than people you know, because you love them from 'head to toe', feed them, talk with them and be with them in all times of happiness as well as sorrow.

I join you and the others in trying to cope with the loss of a pet and it's truely a most difficult experience you have to go through, my utmost apologies and sincere condolences, I'm just so sorry.

Geoff.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It's beyond cruel. Cynic that I am, though, I guess I wouldn't have believed that the good and the love I have experienced with LM and our birds was real without life making something cruel of it. So I'm not asking why or how. I already know. Can't say it makes it any easier.

You said: "I can't hold your hand IRL or visit and bring soup or make tea for us, I wish I could." Perhaps not, but that those thoughts are in your mind, the tangibility of your intent, that has real meaning.

Yeah, minute by minute, second by second. What more can we do? I think I want to use this thread not just to express grief, but to remember our baby, all those perfect, beautiful moments.

As I think I said above, at least this pain is pure. I won't look away from it, it comes from loving our angel with everything in us. The old saying, "better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all" springs to mind. We don't invite loss, but at least we have something worth having before it is gone. Before Sir Pecks, my life was hollow, there was no real love in it. Then I had Mr Feisty and LM, more abundant love than I thought I would ever experience in my lifetime. That matters and no, it can't be taken away.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thank you, Geoff. You clearly understand the depth of my bond with Sir Pecks. That's just it, I did love him and feed him and talk with him, I was with him through everything. He was always on my shoulder or my partner's, he would sing and play and demand food and baths and get up to so much adorable mischief. He and Mr Feisty are our world. We miss him so much. Thanks for being here, and listening.

Blue.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Blue,

Thank you, I really appreciate that. 

Can I make a recommendation?  I think it's so important to do self-care even if it's not something you are motivated or inspired to do.  Even something like a checklist, just so you are remembering to be kind to yourself.

I remember doing exactly the same.  It was like I had all this love and attention to give, but nowhere for it to go.

One of the things I did was write a letter which feels so odd now that I think about it, but it felt easier than talking to this blank space.  Just being able to write all the big and little things that I missed, and how I felt- because I was sad, but I felt frustrated too that I had to live with all this pain.

The candle and music sounds like a wonderful ritual.

rt

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey RT,

Thanks for the encouragement re self care. I'm doing my best, albeit some days more successfully than others. Sometimes I keep a list, sometimes I forget. Things like the candle have been in place since before our stress spiralled this badly, but there is something to be said for forming a habit - it's not immediately forgotten when the mind is full, it has become fairly automatic. I've also been engaging with some art, not a lot since losing Sir Pecks, but at least watching some tutorials and playing with a new digital art programme. My profile picture is my own work.

Interesting about writing that letter. It doesn't sound odd, it sounds healing. Granted I have my partner (you may have seen EM call him "LM" - it's become his nickname on here, standing for "Lovely Man") and Mr Feisty to love, but there remains a huge gulf that Sir Pecks filled. I haven't written him a letter, but I talk to him often, just as I have always done. If ever a little bird new he was loved and wanted and missed, it is Sir Pecks.

Kind thoughts to you,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

LM is now home from his latest stay in hospital. Things still aren't looking amazing, but we have a small space to breathe, and with it comes room to grieve our sweet little bird. We have so far been denied much opportunity to sit with these feelings, with his health in such bad shape, and with all the practical things that must be addressed immediately, the adrenaline that keeps us moving and pushes all other concerns away for the sake of his survival.

I'm writing here now largely because I have aphantasia - an inability to visualise things I think of or imagine. That has been a curiosity to me for the most part, a moderate hindrance in some ways and a boon in others. Right now I am cursing it, because I can't picture Sir Pecks when I think of him. I hate that so much, and it hurts. Of course I have photos, and a video or two. Nevertheless I deeply resent not being able to conjure a picture of him in my mind as I think of him at night, or seek the comfort of his memory during a day at work (if I can work again around being a carer, I guess). I miss him so much, I want to be able to picture his sweet face.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Everything is making me think of Sir Pecks. The spring onion on my dinner reminding me of how he'd seem to be asleep, then suddenly burst into action and grab a piece and fly away with it. Washing my hands, expecting him to leap in for a bath. A seed left on my plate from my sandwich - my first thought is to feed it to him, he loves seeds. A squeaky door reminding me of a note in one of his songs, I can hear in my mind the rest of his song, sung with such happiness and enthusiasm. It feels so wrong that he isn't on my shoulder, or trying to zoom off with bits of bread that match his weight, or singing or sunning himself on my lap where he felt warm.

I am grateful for Mr Feisty, he has been a beautiful comfort and he is perfect. Problem is I have two birds' worth of love and one introverted bird who doesn't like that much attention, I know it is hard for him, too. I love him exactly as he is and I don't expect him to fill his brother's role, he has his own unique place that no-one else could fill. Sir Pecks is irreplaceable, there is a huge hole in our family where he was, and I feel lost and incomplete without all of us together.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

There is no pretending it is easy, or that things will quickly fade. The deeper embedded in one's soul the larger the hole is left. It's as if all the things we loved about a relationship are turned against us and become objects of pain.

I remeber similar things, worrying when out I'd left the gate open and that Zeppelin Dog could get out -after she had passed away, or filing her water bowl, or grumping at a cushion on the floor. Missing the furry missile that used to great me coming home.

Do be certain it does get less, speaking for myself most memories eventually become of good times and there is no regret, but only most.

I'm lucky I guess in that we go to the pound when the house gets too empty and rescue another cat or dog. For some reason they all seem to end up with strong  personalities, either that comes naturally to them or we unconsciously encourage it. Either way they too worm their way into our hearts.

The relationship with Sir Pecks does not stop because he has passed away.

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix,

Those first two paragraphs you wrote mirror my thoughts pretty well, in many ways. Sir Pecks could not have been more deeply in our souls. I keep thinking there are a lot of things about life that are a lot easier without Sir Pecks - but they are not better. Give me the mess and the chaos and his noisy demands any day.

I mostly remember good, and there are happy tears too. The pain is not about regret so much as simply missing our baby. Who wouldn't want more years with such an amazing, beautiful companion?

I see what you mean about bringing home rescue animals. I suspect any hardship they endured as rescues may have contributed to some unique personalities, not unlike how it works with humans. I don't doubt you just love them as they are and nurture them as simply being them.

No, that relationship will always be there. Sir Pecks will always be our little angel, one does not stop being a parent when their child is gone.

Kind thoughts to you & various furry companions,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, many hugs and a shoulder to cry on. 

It's so painful. I can feel it in your words. The dullness of the home without him playing up in his very cheeky ways. It's like you can still feel his spirit whirling around you. 

I was wondering if sounds or smells remind you of him and you wrote about just that. 

I'm like Croix, just keep filling the void with the busy-ness of more rescue animals. 
But we can't replace those special creatures who filled our lives with so much happiness and cuteness and made our hearts over flow with love. 

A child asked to see my Darling Girl chicken and I found a video of her... then just started to cry! 
I was at work on my lunch break and I should NOT be crying to a client's child! The darling child had been telling me a story about his uncle who saved some beautiful dogs who were abandoned. He didn't know what to do when I started crying, he patted my back lol. He had tears in his eyes too. 

All we can do for you is sit with you in your grief for your beautiful boy. 
Hold your hand and walk this path together. 

Love you Blue
EMxxxx