my aged mother passed away last August and I am not coping very well

[Dysphoria]

Hi, I am a female, aged 48 and my name as you can see is Dysphoria - a medical word that is used to describe a condition whereby one has feelings of being depressed and anxious and being restless due to this - a condition I was diagnosed with about 20 years ago and one I'm sure just about everyone here can probably relate to.

I've been troubled my mental illness just about all my life and while I've had many ups and downs, I've been on something of a downswing lately.  That although we had issues and there was no really love lost on my side of things, my aged mother passed away last August and I am not coping very well. 

At least I think this is what my problem is.... Life is difficult lately - financially and otherwise - I don't sleep much, have no interest in anything and am not eating very well.

Has anyone else had experiences of the passing away of someone they like to add?

[White_Rose]

Hello Dysphoria

Welcome to Beyond Blue.  Glad you wrote in.  I have no doubt many other people who use this site will respond to you soon.

You asked about other experiences of people passing away.  Both of my parents have died and also my sister.  It's strange because I felt the loss of my mother far more than either my father or sister.  Maybe it's the natural way to be more upset about one's mother.  Yet we were not close and I always felt she cared more about my siblings than about me.  Now what I regret is that she was never pleased with my successes in life.

Sometimes it seems that the more you look for love and affection and the more it is denied, the more important it becomes.  Now when there is no longer any chance of approval I feel there is a large hole in my life. It's still there after 14 years.  So I put it to one side and get on with life.

I am sad that you are feeling so down.  Do you have any professional help at the moment?  It may help.

Losing a parent is so final whatever the relationship was. I was really surprised how much I cared and how much I mourned.  I cried every day for months.

So it's not surprising that you feel unsettled.  While your mom was there she was an anchor of sorts, even if there was little contact.  At least this is how I felt even though my mom lived on the other side of world.

Please write in again and I hope to be more supportive next time.

Regards

White Rose

[Dysphoria]

Thank you White Rose,

I guess when I think about it, my mother was an anchor of sorts.  I know her just being there was a reason to try and keep myself together because I felt she had enough to cope with just being old and sick.

I do have professional help via a psychiatrist although I would call a 15 min visit every 2 months very helpful... Not to despair though - I am currently in the process of making an appointment to see a psychologist soon.

There is something special about a woman's relationship with her mother I think and I'm hoping to be able to work on that in the future.  I've always managed to avoid it somehow in the past.

Thank you once again for your reply.  I hope to meet others here soon too.

Dys.

[geoff]

dear Dysphoria, I am pleased that you have replied today, because it's Mothers Day, so this just reinforces on the way you feel, and all I can say is that I am so sorry.

My Mum passed away about 6 years ago in a nursing home, and from going in with a excellent mental condition, and the reason she was put in there was because she had a knee operation which was s*********fed up, so she couldn't walk, plus my dad was having it off with the next door neighbour, anyway by the time she died she was just a vegetable.

There is so much depth in your post which you have momentarily hidden, so please I would love for you to come back, because in 20 years so much can happen to anybody, especially if depression and anxiety is with you. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Dys

Glad to hear from you again.  I agree that there is something special between a mother and daughter.  I have two daughters and although the relationships are slightly different I feel they are more special in some ways than with my sons.  I just hope they do not read this.

Your consultations with your psychiatrist would appear very brief.  I hope his fees are equally as brief.  Glad to hear you are arranging to go to a psychologist and I do hope this is a more profitable relationship.

You said in your first post that you are having financial and other problems.  Can these be fixed fairly easily?  Financial problems can be horrendous and I can appreciate your sleepless nights.  If you need assistance in this area go to the ASIC (Australian Securities and Investments Commission) Money Smart web site.

They offer a free, confidential and independent financial counselling service.  Don't be put off by the ASIC title.  This service was set up in the last couple of years to assist people having financial problems.  They can help in all sorts of ways.  Last time I put a web address on this forum my post got edited so unfortunately I cannot give you the direct address.  It's a good place to go.

Not eating well, as we all know, will contribute to your unsettled feelings.  It's a bit of a catch 22.  You feel rotten so don't eat, then feel even worse so you eat less etc.etc.etc.  I presume from your email that you live alone which compounds the not eating situation.  Can you invite someone for a meal and cook something you really enjoy?  I expect it will be an effort but worth it in the long run.

When I was badly depressed some years ago I stopped eating and lost 22kgs in a couple of moths.  Unfortunately I put it all back on again as I recovered.  Not the best way to lose weight but I wish I could have kept it off.

As I said last time, I do hope you will continue to write in here and I'm certain Geoff want's to know how you are going.

Warm regards

White Rose

[Dysphoria]

Thank you Geoff and White Rose.

My mother was in a nursing home too when she died but incredibly only with a week of her being admitted. Before that my brother and I used to care for her at home.  My brother doing a wonderful job of basically looking after me as well - that he keeps me grounded where I would otherwise might fall prey to psychosis.

With Mum though it was like she just gave in.  She was 88 and could no longer walk or do anything for herself and her dementia was getting worse. All she wanted to do was stay home but she was just getting too much for my brother to care for and our home isn't well set out for use of a wheel-chair.

I guess the thing is now that my brother and I are both depressed and while we do our best are not real good for each other as positive attitudes go. Like we call ourselves the I.C.B.B Club (which stands for 'I couldn't be bothered').

Financially we do find it hard but we get by.  It would help if we could give up smoking but it's just too hard right now.

I see a government funded psychiatrist which is why the short visits, but I'm seeing the psychologist just this afternoon so I'll come back and tell how that goes.

I guess in twenty years I've had many ups and downs and times when I felt well but then usually having something that triggers a relapse.  It's been suggested to me that I'm actually very resilient. Although finding myself down so low again is very disheartening and sometimes I think I've become depressed that I'm depressed - somehow.

Eating is a complex thing for me. That on top of everything else I've had eating disorders as well and a obesity problem that has affected me profoundly.

I think to myself - 'why me?' that so much has happened in my life - but then I imagine that others do too and it is in imagining these others that I know I'm not alone - albeit that it's very reassuring to come somewhere like here and be with others who have been there too.

Dys.