Memories rattling around in my mind

[Doolhof]

Aren't you over your grief yet?

Why are you still sad? Go and buy yourself something to cheer yourself up?

Why are you upset on Mother's Day?

You can't come to Church this week as we are celebrating so and sos baby and we don't want you there upsetting everyone and spoiling their happy moment.

My sister in law asked for the maternity dress her parents had given me and wore it to family occasions for both her pregnancies. My husband had given it to her.

We were told we couldn't possibly have Christmas at our place as we had no children.

I was not invited to my sister in laws children's parties because I had no children.

Church people got together for outings, picnics and family gatherings, I had no children so I was not invited.

It is not just the loss of life, it is the loss of identity. Believing I am not good enough because my babies died.

Did my past pregnancy loss cause these babies to die? How often have I asked myself if I brought this on myself.

I tried grief counselling. I was told I was lucky not to have children. Another counsellor told me my babies died, they didn't even exist.

Their anniversaries come and go.

Last year my Dad died very unexpectedly. Old wounds of grief resurfaced. How do you deal with new grief when you have no idea what to do with the old?

I sought counsel from a person I thought might be able to help. I was told "People die. That is what they do".

I don't always know what to say to people either when a loved one dies or when they are in emotional pain due to some kind of loss. I just hope I have some compassion and can show sympathy even if I don't have the words to say.

Getting these thoughts out of my mind has helped a little. Time to move on with my day.

[Doolhof]

Hi Croix,

Yesterday was an anniversary of our son's birth/death. I felt I had no one here outside of BB that I could share that with. That made me sad.

When my Dad died last year, I asked a friend if she could come and be with me until my husband returned home. She told me she had to go to the bank. I asked other friends, they said they weren't able to be with me. I had asked my husband to come home early to be with me and he said he was too busy in the city.

It makes me sad when I feel there is no one outside of BB I can share with. Instead I stuff the sense of loss even deeper here in my real world.

To all reading, if you know someone is hurting through loss and grief, tell them you don't know what to say if you have no words. Ask them how you can help them. Sit and have a cuppa with them. An awkward moment is better than that person feeling like no one gives a damn.

Regards to all from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry to read of the journey your life has taken with your Mum dyeing when you were so young, looking after your Dad and being told you were unable to have children.

Some people seem to think because you don't have children, you have made a selfish choice in life. That was very much the case when I was in my "Child bearing years"! I'm over 50 now, hopefully people's expectations seem to have changed regarding having children.

One person went on and on one day why I didn't have children, so I gave them brief details of each babies death before birth and how after 5 very different scenarios the Drs decided my body could not manage another pregnancy.

Regarding Mother's Day and Church, I used to roll up at Church, reach out for the flower at the door and take my seat. Quite often I would leave the service in tears, that was okay too.

Thankfully I believe in God and not in the Christian values some people in Church hold on to. I was told I had not prayed hard enough and that is why my babies died. I need to let those words go.

I have been blessed to know may children in my life.

I thank you for your kind words, your care and understanding. I hope you have something special to do today, even if it is staying home and being extra kind to yourself!

Kindest regards from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Jt,

You are right, it can be so very hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. I know I have said words that are totally wrong, inadequate or even hurtful to the person.

I do realise that people do not say these things on purpose to hurt us...then again, with some people I do wonder what their intentions are!

Asking a grieving person what they need and want it helpful. I also know that when you are overwhelmed in grief you don't always know what you want or need either! The best we can do it to let a person know that we care.

These thoughts that are rattling around in my mind, the people who have said the words that I have found hurtful, might not even realise how much of a painful impact they have had on me! So I need to accept how I feel and find ways to move on.

Other family member's children are of similar ages to the ages my children would have been if they had lived. It has been difficult at times celebrating their birthdays knowing my children did not have the opportunity to live.

I'm trying to accept I don't know what to say so I shouldn't expect others to know what to say either. I just wish some people were a little more thoughtful and so darn dismissive.

There are so many wonderful, caring people here. Thankyou to you and to all. May we all have comapssion for others when it is needed.

Regards form Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Katy,

Thanks for your kind words. Everyone experiences grief differently, even if you have had a similar circumstance, we all feel that loss in your own individual way.

One of my co worker's daughter is having her first baby. I am excited for them. I have shared a little of my story with my co-workers. She told me she knew what I meant about issues with pregnancy as she had pregnancy problems. Her babies all lived! Her daughter is now having a baby! It isn't quite the same.

I guess we learn who cares and who has no idea at all.

Hope you have an okay kind of day today Katy, cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Dools

it is true we tend to remember the words that others have sad that upset us and not the helpful words.
I too have out my foot in my mouth despite my good intentions and said the wrong thing,

.I used to say I don’t know what to say because no words feel adequate to express grief.

I can not imagine how hard it was looking at your nieces and nephews growing up while remembering your own children .

I hope writing here expressing your emotions and thoughts has helped in some small way.

Thinking of you .

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks for your reflective, caring words.

Yes, it has been difficult and rewarding at the same time watching nieces and nephews grow up.

It has helped to share here on the forum and to get some of those memories out of my mind where they rattle around, gather up other negative and unhelpful memories and turn into a turmoiled mess of darkness.

Sometimes I need more than to just writing in a journal. It helps me to realise my thoughts and feelings have been validated by someone, that what I am experiencing is real and does deserve to be listened to. That helps me to then move on!

It does not mean I am having a pity party! I really dislike that term! Hurt acknowledged is hurt that can be healed for me.

So thank you to all who have connected here with me. I greatly appreciate it.

[July]

Hello Mrs Dools,

Why do people think grief has an expiry date ? or thinking what has happened in our lives does not profoundly affect us and continue to affect us through remembrances of certain dates . You have commented many times on my posts and given me so much strength and comfort, that is what a mother does , and you are a mother to your precious babies that have not been able to stay on earth but forever in your heart . LIfe can be cruel , why... we don't know ? , but here on these forums I have seen a wonderful, empathic and beautiful soul, who any child would be so blessed to have as a mother , so hold your head high. I am blessed to have four children but also have had miscarriages and those unborn losses are no less important to me than my living children , and I to remember them always . I always wonder why bad things happen to wonderful people , maybe its true God does not give us more than we can handle , but I have also very much doubted that theory throughout my life .

Stay true to yourself and what you have given to others , you have shown real commitment and value to this world , and I hope you have a happy life ..you deserve it.

July

[Doolhof]

Hello July,

Thank you so very much for your kind, caring and much appreciated words. I do know there are aspects of my life I am very thankful for. I know that the death of my babies has also helped to shape me into the person I am, in a good way.

Having experienced broken dreams, deaths, unexpected funerals and all that goes with the death of a child, has helped me be sensitive to the pain other people experience.

I'm sorry to read of your miscarriages. I believe my children are in heaven and I will see them one day. When I think of my children, I think of them as being the age they would be had they lived.

I know people who no longer have contact with their children for one reason or another. I know this happens in life for a variety of reasons. It makes me feel sad this has happened to them. Like you wrote, life can be cruel.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Life can be tough for so many of us for such a variety of reasons. Thinking of you also July and wishing you acceptance and happy moments too. Regards from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Thanks for the suggestion to watch "The Lost Tribe of Childless Women". I have just viewed it. I found it to be interesting, informative and helped to feel a greater connection to other women in the same situation.

It has also made me wonder how many single men and same sex couples are also out there in our world, grieving due to their own dreams of being a parent not existing.

Childlessness must effect a huge proportion of our communities.

At one stage we looked into adoption. Way back then we were told it would cost between 20 to 30 thousand dollars. Even then it was not guaranteed.

I don't like to think of a child deserving of love, care and a home should have a price on their head. That is just how the system worked. I don't know if it is different now.

Thanks again for the information about the you tube clip. It helped.

Kind regards and wishing you a day of peace and hope from Dools