I’m drowning in my husbands depression

[Jdalbj5]

My husband lost his uncle, our family pet and his dad unexpectedly within a 3 month period to November 2020. As someone who has suffered from depression most of his adult life, these deaths have hit him hard, especially his dad.
I am trying my best to do and say the right things but I can’t bring him out. We are trying grief counselling in the coming days and he is talking with his brother and sister, however they have moved through their grief differently and have come out the other side.

I am not a sufferer of mental health issues and I have trouble understanding what he is going through. In saying that, what I now recognise as anxiety has gotten a hold of me. Anxious about what I’m coming home to, anxious about his mood, anxious about the cruel words spoken to me and our children.

If I am honest, mostly I’m angry. Angry that this has happened, angry at him, angry at his dad for dying on him and angry that he can’t overcome this.

I feel like a shit person for it but I can’t help it.

28 years together and I’ve never once wanted to walk away, ever, but this is so hard. I want my husband back.

How do I support him when I can’t understand his depression and don’t know what else to do?

[Croix]

Dear Jdalbj5~

You are not a shit person, you are a person going though the normal reactions to such events. Feeling guilty over anger at your husband and his current state is very understandable, as is feeling anxious about how you will find him and what mood he will be in, and by the sound of it his aggressive words to you and the children.

It makes life so much harder and uncertain. I'd imagine it would have an effect on your children too, it did on mine

My wife felt useless, as well as worried and angry, becuse there is no quick fix and she'd kept on expecting to find one

You are probably doing the right things already, listening to him and being there for him - a constant in his life wiht love. Plus grief counseling. What else can you do?

Well, I'd say firstly you are in need of support, after all you are going though a period of very high stress and trying to manage the situation and your own feelings, plus the kids, by yourself is very hard indeed.

Can I ask firstly have you anyone you can talk to, be frank with and lean on a bit? Maybe they might give perspective or encouragement, or simply listen and care.

My wife had her mum to help her both practically with the family and emotionally when I was very hard to live with due to my depression and other conditions ramping up. I would not have blamed her for walking away. Having her mum gave her even more strenght and eased her burden a bit.

Also do you have medical support? It would do no harm if you have none to go to your GP in an extended consultation and say what you are living through at the moment. Too much stress can make a person ill and having a professional eye on your health can be very useful. You might also, in your discussions, get more of an idea of what your husband is going though.

I'd also like to ask if your husband has medical support? I simply got worse no matter how hard I tried until I got the right competent medical support - that was the start of my improvement. A big thing.

Of course if he does have that support it might be time for his current regime to be re-assessed as people's conditions vary with changes in life, it is to be expected.

Of course you want your husband back and life return to how it was. All I can say is that in my own case, while still undergoing treatment that I think will always be there, I did return to being the loving person I had been, and have been able to give as well as receive support.

I'd like it if you came back and said what you thought

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Jdalbj5, can we offer you a warm welcome to the site.

A difficult period for not only your husband but also for you as well, and unfortunately, it's not a situation that can be overcome by the next day because mourning generally doesn't allow this to happen, but to lose three important parts of his life will have a large impact on how he is feeling on then flow onto how you're feeling yourself.

The way he is feeling maybe is that he does feel unsupportive, no matter how hard you're trying, and there is no blame here, but this loss could mean a need to change all his financials and confusion may begin, not knowing whether or not his needs are clear and understandable.

This is certainly not intentional but maybe seen as left to himself to cope with, only because it's never easy to know what he is thinking about, even if he discusses the smallest issue that may or may not be related to his situation.

People who lose a parent may want a stronger emotional bond but at times this isn't clearly stated and may leave you trying to guess what to say that won't make him angry, that's always the hardest part to understand and sometimes it may seem to be impossible.

The thought of how you feel before you get home is always a thought many people have when their spouse/partner is suffering from depression and you have been together for 28 years, one thing you need to do is look after yourself and by saying that I mean you need to speak with your doctor, maybe you already have but learn on how to handle this anxiety you're struggling with, and I want to say I don't mean any harm by saying this.

Hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

a PERCEIVED lack of support simply because the support partner is clueless about how intense the emotional need is. Bereaved partners aren’t always clear and explicit in their needs