I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi there

I lost my dog a week ago to sudden illness. He was only 3.5yrs old and he was my everything. He was my first dog that I rescued from a shelter. He provided me with such support and gave me a purpose to keep going. Last year I started IVF and currently 2 rounds have failed and he was there to let me know I was loved and needed.

Having him suddenly take ill and then dying has shocked me to my core. I can't be in my home alone as he is everywhere I look. I feel so guilty that I couldn't save him and miss him so terribly that I feel like the grief will swallow me whole. I don't know how to function or move forward knowing he is not by my side. My boy was everything and now I have lost purpose.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Tradie Lady

I am so pleased that you have found your way back to us when you are feeling like you are needing to reach out, you are not a broken record and you talk as much as you need. Grief is a really wild ride as you are finding out too and there is no recipe for how it is supposed to go or when it finishes, and that is the crappy part about it. One moment you are feeling like you are making your way out and feeling like this is the start of recovery and feeling better, the next minute you are a mess and feel like the darkness is darker than before. I hear you. It is a really hard road to travel down, but we do, we move along the road and we come to different places and different emotions.

You have so much on your plate so please don't discount how many balls you have in the air right now, you are trying to juggle all these things and it is to be expected that sometimes the balls fall on the ground, and that is ok. I have no idea how hard it would be to have to go through IVF, even one round let alone many rounds. I can only imagine the heartbreak and the rollercoaster of emotions that goes with it too. I am just so sorry that it is not turning out for you the way you want, it is just heartbreaking. Then as you say, the feelings of missing Gryff and the guilt around the way you feel about the new dogs too. There is so much going on for you.

COVID has really played havoc with us this year too with it impacting work and our family incomes and just society as a whole. Once again, so many of our "normal" has been taken away from us, I am hoping that you still have some of your support things in place and maybe this is a time to sit and to make a new list of what you can reach out to when you are feeling so bad. I am just so pleased you are here. It may not be possible to catch up with friends as you may have, but are there other ways to connect with them, I hear you feel like a burden, please know you are not, that is just that annoying voice and it is not true.

I am glad that re reading some of our conversations has given you a boost, you really are so much stronger than you know. You have so much on and yet you still get up, you still can walk your dogs and even if that is with tears in your eyes you still are getting out there, and that is massive.

Huge hugs to you, I am here to chat to you and sit with you through this time.

Sarah xx

[ciramen00]

Hi Tradie Lady,

I can definitely sympathize with what you're going through.

I had to make the decision early this morning to put my dog to sleep after taking her into the emergency vet at 1.30 in the morning. Whilst I knew that euthanasia was probably going to be the most humane thing for her, I wasn't prepared for the grief that would hit me afterwards.

If I don't keep my mind occupied, I find myself crying. I keep revisiting spots she slept on, imagining her lying there, and then having the harsh reality hit me that she has gone. I think in death, the most profound thing is the realization that you will never see them again. It's a sentiment that makes me feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath.

With this being said, I know time will heal my pain and my dog will become a happy memory that I can reflect back on at any time. I know in my heart that she had a good life with me, she was loved, and she will always be apart of my conversation, and I'm sure the same can be said for you. I'm not one to share much on the internet, but your post spoke to me and I wanted to reach out to let you know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

I wish you the best on your IVF journey. My sister also did IVF after miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. She now has one son, and another one on the way. Hopefully you can take some positivity from that and I wish you the best for the future.

Much love x

[Guest_4643]

Hey ciramen00, welcome to the forums. Hey TradieLady and everybody else here. I hope everyone is doing ok.

ciramen00, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog, and everything else you're dealing with.

I'm always here for everyone.

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Ciramen00

It's been a while since I have been on here. I just saw your post and thank you for reaching out. I can only imagine the sadness that you have felt since having to make that call for your pup. You are 100% right, it's when you have the moment when you know you won't see them again and it just takes your breath away. Its still so heartbreaking to think of him. I have just passed the 1 year anniversary of having to say goodbye to him and it feels like yesterday. I miss his bark and his smell so much even though I now have 2 new adopted rescue pups. Its never the same.

I hope one day it will hurt less.

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

It's been a while since I have been back on here. I hope that you have been safe and well. I'm finding today particularly hard for some reason and felt the need to come back here.

I have just passed the 1yr anniversary of losing my beloved Gryff. I knew that the day was coming up but didnt want to check what the exact date was. It turns out I lit his candle on his anniversary without even knowing. There are days that I can talk about him and even smile thinking about his goofiness and love. And then there are days like today when all I have are tears. I had hoped I had worked through the worst of it. I find that my new pups provide some comfort, but it is not the same, and its not their fault. I feel guilty when I think like that.

I have also seen a spike in my anxiety. I am finding that I am being over cautious now with my dogs thinking that any little thing that goes wrong, that the same outcome will happen. It's keeping me up at night and sending me into tailspins. Its been horrific.

In addition to that, I was made redundant at the end of last year. I guess it was inevitable given COVID and working in hospitality, but it was another hit for me. Not long after that I turned 40 and looking on my life I felt like I had nothing. I felt like I was under a cloud of grey and nothing was worth it anymore. I am finding that I am struggling with finding direction and know that my biggest enemy is myself and the fact that I compare myself to other people and where they are at this life stage. It just seems to keep building with no end in sight.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Tradie Lady

It is lovely to chat to you again, I am so sorry that the anniversary of Gryff was as painful as it was, he was a huge part of you and will be for ever more so it is to be expected that the pain will take time to ease. It is awesome to hear though that you do have days when you are able to reflect on his goofiness and smile and laugh, this really does show you how far you have come, while the hard days are still hard, there are some beautiful days to remember and smile too and that is so wonderful.

It is not surprising that any health concern or change in routine would cause you anxiety as you still have trauma from the way in which Gryff passed so it is to be expected you will be over cautious with your new fur babies. I am wondering if you can share your worries and concerns with this with your vet and if he/she can give you some comfort as to normal and not so normal conditions and when would be a good time to contact the vet, to try to help you to manage the need to call or get them seen to when it is fear and worry driving the concerns?

That is really hard to hear that you lost your job because of COVID, so many people have been impacted and it is just heartbreaking. I am wondering how this new lot of lockdown has impacted you. I hope this year does not play out like this and that we are in lockdown more times than not and doing small bursts here and there with not much warning...so hard for people to manage.

Congratulations on your 40th birthday. I understand what you mean in that sometimes these milestones come with "shoulds" in that you "should" be doing this by now or "should" be feeling like this or that...and yes, it is natural to compare to others, to see how we are going in life compared to what others are doing, but that is their journey and not ours and while it is hard to keep our eyes in our lane and take note of the things we want to do, it is natural to compare.

How are you feeling this week? I hope that things have calmed down for you somewhat and now that we have the restrictions lifted I hope that this means you can get out and do some things for you.

It is so lovely to chat to you come more and here anytime you need some support.

Hugs

Sarah