I can't get over the murder of my father then the death of my partner

[Lozano]

In 2010  August the 20th  my father was murdered the guy that did this was arrested and after 3 years  of court was found Not Guilty due to mental health he was sent to goal under the  NSW mental health team. While going through my fathers murder trial on The 18th January 2011 my partner of  3 wonderful  years passed away in my arms and I could not revive him . Now 5 years after my dad's murder and 4 years the death of my partner I am still well I don't know what I am? I have 3 wonderful children daughter 31 son 29 daughter 15 and I have  5 wonderful grand kids . My son and his family moved interstate and I am missing them so much. I think I need some help I have had counselling and on medication this dose not seem to help I have isolated my self from my family choosing to stay at home and visit them very little now on the other hand I am drinking a lot more now with friends at the pub and do this at least 2 nights in a row every fortnight some times every week I have been to visit my son and my grand kids a few times but when I leave i am very up set crying for hours while driving home .people say they admire me for my strength and the way I have got through it all as in the April of 2011 3months after the death of my partner I started full time work I know people think I am strong but to be honest I am no were near strong I am at my wits end and don't know how to get out of this spiral down turn I am on I don't talk to my kids much anymore and I know they feel that iam still hurting very bad please help me how do I get over this How do I return to the happy person I was  before all this I don't know can someone please help me to return to the happy go lucky person I was and to re open the communication I had with everyone in my life I help people every day in my job but can't help myself ?? Most of the time I sit in my lounge room on my own watching TV but not really watching some times I can go all night and all day without even talking a word I need to get my life back please help me find my way back some how ???? I love my children and family so much but feel I have lost the ability to talk to them I am the eldest of 4 children and my family always turn to me when there is a problem as I am a fix it person and fix everything I can for them why can't I fix myself 

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[Sophie_M]

Hi Lozano, thanks for your post.

You have been through so much, and we can hear how much you want to feel better and reconnected. It's great that you are reaching out for your own needs through the forums.

We wanted to take a moment to reach out to you ourselves at this time as it sounds like you've had some counselling, but we aren't sure if this was bereavement support or what type of support you may currently have as well. It sounds like your family means the world to you and that you value being there for them and trying to look after yourself and your independence as well. When you are always the one to fix everything for everyone, it can feel easy to get lost in remembering to care for ourselves and show ourselves the same compassion.

Whether you are or are not currently getting counselling, it may be good to discuss the option of speaking with a psychologist who is specialised in ACT. ACT stands for Acceptance and Committment Therapy and involves finding ways to accept all of the emotions life brings us - making room for the pain and grief, so that you can also re-experience the happiness and love that you are normally filled with when it comes to your family and other aspects of life. You are a strong person, and your values and dedication to your family shine through in your post. ACT may be a suitable approach to moving forward and expanding your energy to bring back your ability and desire to reconnect more with your family and grandchildren, the people you love who are still here for you.

We hope that the online community here provides you with helpful support that also empowers you to continue moving forward.

Take care and don't hesitate to contact our Support Service if you would like any information, referrals, or brief support to do with depression and anxiety. They can also help in finding a psychologist who is trained in ACT in your area if this appeals to you. They can be reached 24/7 at 1300 224 636 or online via webchat daily from 3pm-midnight.

[white knight]

I support all of what Sophie said.

I urge you to move to. To live near one of your children and grandchildren would break the cycle of drinking and depression.

Tony WK

[Pixie15]

Hi Lozano,

Welcome to the bb forums. I am glad you managed to get your post up and hope you are still interested in receiving some replies. 

I am sorry for the loss of your father and your partner. It must have been doubly traumatic having to deal with the trial and the feelings of injustice that must come when the person was found to not be responsible. 

Trying to estimate your age from what you have written here I am guessing that as well you are at an age where the nest is emptying and people tend to look back and evaluate their lives so a bit of grief at this stage of life is not unusual. It can help somewhat I think to have an understanding of the feelings that you might encounter. I found a book on the stages of grief by Kubler Ross to be really useful for this.

I have processed a lot of grief myself in the last several years. A lot of stuff that I had not dealt with earlier in my life and I needed time to be left alone to my processing as well as some therapy to help with my thinking processes. Grief can become complicated and turn into depression though so helps to have someone to tell you if you seem out of balance. I have also found keeping a journal useful.

Also I have found that having a little four legged furry friend can be helpful.

Thanks for sharing your story.

cheers,

Pixie.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lozano,

I can so feel the pain and suffering you are enduring right now. I have certainly not walked in your shoes but have experienced a deep sense of grief and loss.

When loved ones are taken from us in such a way that we don't have the opportunity to say goodbye, I think that can be so soul destroying and we keep asking ourselves why?

There is no answer to that WHY? I have found that what I need is to eventually reach a point of acceptance that there is nothing I can do to change the past. I can change how I think about those tragic and horrendous moments, but I will never be able to change them.

Like White Knight mentioned, is it possible for you to move closer to someone in your family?

Regarding reconnecting, try to do it slowly so it is easier for you. Reach out to one person and then to another.

With your drinks at the hotel with friends, could you all go to a restaurant instead. To the movies perhaps. Or could you invite your friends to your place where you could all enjoy a meal together, maybe a bottle of something but then tea and coffee.

Are there clubs or organisations you have always thought of joining in your area?

If it is not possible to move closer to your children could you do some volunteer work in a kindy, a Playgroup or somewhere else where you could connect with children?

Grief, loss and depression are all something I comprehend. I am hoping you can start to find ways to release the hold these things have on you.

I'm feeling like I am in a bad spot right now, so understand it is hard to always appear strong when you just want to crumble.

You have reached out for some help. I hope you are able to find various ways to improve your well being and self esteem.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools or Lauren

[Lozano]

I would firstly like to thank you all for your support Sophie M the ACT therapy you talk about sounds like something I could use so I am going to look into it thank you

White Knight thank you for your post the problem I have with moving is I still have a daughter at home that is only 15 years old and she is in school and I would not think of up rooting her in year 9 she is also suffering depression due to our losses and is working with a fantastic councillor and hoping is is starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel also  I am a foster carer so if I move interstate I would have to give up foster caring and I would not do that to my foster daughter who is 7 years old  and again she is like my blood daughter and I could never just walk away from her this is something I need to work on were I am but thank you for your post 

and Pixie thank you for your advice just to let you know I have 2 little4legged friends I will tell you I am 49 years old my older children have lived with there partners and family's for a long time the thing is that they have always just lived within 5min of me my son and daughter in law were my rocks for a long time and I feel if not for them I don't know if I would be sitting here writing this letter my grandchildren use to spend several nights staying at my home with my daughter and foster daughter so I was kept buzzy I live near my eldest daughter and she comes over every now and then but she  has her life and her family I understand that my kids have their life's and am proud of them in making the right moves for their family's like I said I still have 2at home and this is why I am trying to get over this deep depression I have let take control over me and I need to fix it because it feels like a slow cancer just eating it way through me and destroying my ability to live my life the way i want to it's like having had cuffs on and not being able to get them of if that makes seance and I will look into that book 

so thank you everyone I am so glad I joined this site as talking on here be leave it or not is for filling something inside of me and given me a chance to be interested is something I am doing