How long and how much do you support a grieving parent?

[marie93]

So my stepdad died two and half years ago at aged 42 due to a cardiac arrest. He was a dad to me for 20 years and also a father to my two teenage brothers that are now aged 15 and 16.

When he died I was 23 and I moved back home to support my mum and brothers and I did so for 9 months. I struggled coping with my own grief while supporting everyone else’s so I eventually moved to Canada (my mum is Canadian and all of her family is in Canada). My mum was very supportive of this decision and said that she just wants me to be happy. I met a Canadian man and we’ve since moved home to Perth - we’ve been back for almost a year now. My mum is still majorly depressed, not eating properly, barely sleeps, and feels very lonely and like she doesn’t have a support system.

I have dealt with anxiety and depression for years, and had a very complicated relationship with my stepdad for a very long time (however I still loved him with all my heart and his absence from my life still takes the breath out of me. I often have dreams about him and wake up hyperventilating and crying). My heart aches and I want to help my mum, but I also want to live my own life and it takes so much effort just to keep my own head above water.

So my question is what should I be doing to help her? How much responsibility do I take on for her happiness and wellbeing? I have suggested psychologists many times and she refuses. She says she has too many issues that have been repressed for decades and she wouldn’t survive talking to someone about it. She did start seeing my kinesiologist after my stepdads death and it helps but only does so much. She also isn’t a very social person and because of this has very few friends. She’s also just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes so she can’t eat so many of the things she loves which I know hasn’t helped. I hold so much guilt over not doing more for her but I’m constantly told by other loved ones in my life that it’s not my responsibility. That at some point she needs to pull herself out. I just don’t know.

[therising]

Hi marie93

It's a tough one when you're trying to manage raising yourself out of grief whilst raising someone else out of their grief at the same time.You sound like a beautiful thoughtful person.

I do believe we each have a responsibility when it comes to raising each other. The question is really about how much responsibility we take - what is healthy for everyone concerned. In your mum's case, shared responsibility is the goal. So far you have, from what you say, shared responsibility between your self, her, the kinesiologist and a few of her friends. Looking at sharing it with a therapist doesn't seem to be her cup of tea at the moment. The question is 'Who else can help share in the responsibility of raising her out of such an overwhelming low in the meantime?'

• Would you consider inquiring into the benefits of her seeing a dietician? A dietician who is fully understanding in how the chemistry of emotion (the energy of body and mind) ties into the chemistry and energy of food is the best one to see
• A group who practices the art of Tai Chi or Chi Gong could offer her the benefit of interacting in a way that incorporates body, mind and spirit or physical, mental and social or natural aspects of self. Addressing all 3, when we're severely out of balance (for one reason or another) is incredibly important. Finding someone who not only teaches the moves but who can run her through the principals of energy would be beneficial: How to raise it, how to let it go (stress or sadness) and so on

Just a couple of suggestions in the way of natural therapy. If she's unsure about them, you can always support her for the first few visits until she's comfortable going on her own. This way, you begin by taking responsibility for raising her to new possibilities in the way of personal healing and then she takes over, the rest of the way. You leave her in the hands of those who will be happy to help her raise herself further.

Seeing she had some interest in kinesiology, perhaps simple natural therapies might be her thing, until she is ready to face more complex therapy such as counseling.

Helping someone rise to the point of them taking on a challenge independently is one of the most incredible gifts we can offer a person. It helps them move up toward grounding, creating a new set of foundations which to build upon.

🙂