Grieving in isolation

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

This is a statement I never thought I'd make. I can finally understand why we have funerals.

Yesterday hubby told me our friend had died in an accident. The last time I saw him was fleeting (work colleague of his needed help) so we didn't get to chat. I told him next time I wanted to hear all about his last skiing holiday.

Now gatherings are banned due to Coronavirus. No funeral. No gathering of his and hubby's volunteer group to celebrate him. Can't visit his partner to help with cleaning or cooking... Nothing.

I've never understood the point of public funerals until today. Other funerals I've been to have been for family. I've been involved and included and it made me feel more upset having to grieving publicly. Now as someone who isn't family I think I'm starting to understand.

I feel like the point of gathering is to introduce his family to other people who loved him too. People they can ask for support. People they can talk to when they're ready to talk about him. Maybe even to share stories.

It helped us to focus on what we can do right now rather than what we can't.

Maybe someone might feel able to share what has helped you to grieve within the current restrictions?

Our ideas...

• Hubby and I put a movie on for our kids and sat outside in the sun on the swing together. Just allowed ourselves time to sit together and think.
• I told hubby the two memories that always came to mind when I thought of our friend. When I feel sad I remind myself of those memories.
• We chose to focus on the fact there is no time limit on grieving. When the restrictions end we'll ask his partner if she'd like to have a celebration and help organise it. If not that is ok too.
• Same with his volunteer group. We'll ask if they want to do something to celebrate our friend.
• I wrapped up a box of shelf stable food and supplies. Nice things like coffee, tea, bikkies and chocolate but also basics like loo paper, UHT milk and tissues. Hubby went to the store and got what he could. I figured his partner might not feel up to shopping. We left it at her front door.
• Hubby put a little money in the card. I felt weird about it at first but he explained the last thing he'd want on top of grief is financial worry. Makes sense.
• We put our contact numbers in the card too in case she didn't have them.
• In a week or two I'm going to leave another box. I'll print some adult colouring in pages and put textas and pencils in this one. Some seeds if I can find some.

❤ Nat

[uncut_gems]

Quercus,

I'm so sorry for your loss, especially during such an already stressful and restricting time. I don't have much to add other than I think that all the things you've listed put together sound like a model for how to honor someone's memory, care for their loved ones, and take time for yourself during these extraordinary circumstances. Thank you for sharing these tips in a situation some of us will unfortunately find ourselves in the coming weeks and months.

Warmly,

Gems

[quirkywords]

Nat

I am sorry for your loss . I am pleased to see your name on a post but am sad it has to be about your friends death..

Your list is very thoughtful . The goods would be appreciated especially now when it is harder to shop.

Could you write a letter to your friends wife. ? Maybe in a fw weeks to show her you are thinking of her.

I thought you could have ten at a funeral but they may be vary from state to state.

10 is very small amount at a funeral. I would not cover immediate family.

You have written a very caring and helpful post.

[Quercus]

Thanks Gems and Quirky.

Quirky you read my mind. Ten people wouldn't include most families. I don't know how you'd decide which family to invite or exclude. It seems very harsh. I suppose that's just the reality of life at the moment.

Something that struck me too is that hugs are out. It seems odd to imagine trying to comfort someone you care for without offering a hug when they're upset. A letter is a good idea though.

Thank you both for your kind words. I hope you're doing ok ❤

[Littletiger]

To Everyone who has contributed to this positive conversation I wish to thank you.

I have just joined BB out of desperation and distress as I grieve my 16 yr old daughter. I lost her to heart disease suddenly, less than 6 mths ago.

I now live alone, isolated and at times become overwhelmed by the devastation of my truth, but manage to calm myself when I remember my faith and knowledge that she no longer suffers in a struggling body.

As I read this post I became grateful that I was able to witness a beautiful service for my child and months later due to the virus I have stepped away from work and can finally be with my grief at home.

I feel for the wife who is mourning her husband and can only pray she senses his presence of peace. To the lovely couple who will miss their friend also I send hope and love.

Kindness and gentleness is what I have needed most from those around me since my tragic loss and it is uplifting to hear it is being practiced in our community.

Let’s keep our minds and hearts open to each other,

Eternal Love Tiger ❤️

[Quercus]

Oh wow.

Thank you LittleTiger for chosing to join in here. I can't even start to imagine what it would feel like to grieve a child.

Reading your post my mouth went dry even thinking about it. One of the only things that was keeping my anxiety somewhat in check is that kids don't seem to be as affected by this virus.

Then our friend had his accident. It was a reality check that I needed. There are rituals and structure and routines I rely on to feel somewhat ok. Some of the routines are on hold at the moment. Hubby calls me an optimist and perhaps he's right because I choose to focus on what IS still possible.

I am grateful that you got to have a service for your daughter.

I'm grateful that in your hurt and distress you chose to write. You mentioned finding the time alone helpful somehow and also feeling distressed and needing support. I found myself agreeing. It's odd to me how I can want to be alone and yet want company at the same time. For me that's part of why these forums help.

If you want to talk about your daughter I'd love to listen. You can keep writing here (or if you want a space just for you you can create a new thread). Either is fine.

It felt nice to read you found this thread positive. Sorry if I don't make sense. I feel unsettled today.

Thank you LittleTiger. I think your post was just what I needed to read.

Nat

[DonatoRD]

Hello, @Quercus my sincere condolence to you both and family for the loss of your family fried due to the car accident. We as a community send you our love and support during this sad time of great loss. May you find strength and courage to carry on. We are with you. Regards, @DonatoRD