Grief...

[emdog]

1. Past: I was lucky enough to say goodbye to my aunt over 2 days last yrafter she had been diagnosed with C, decided no treatment and was starving herself to ensure an earlier departure. She died 5 weeks later. She was like my mother- my mother, her sister, committed suicide when I was 5. Their father committed suicide 2 yrs later. Her 2 sisters attempted multiple times.
2. Recent: Easter 2014. So my aunt's gone. Acceptable as she was fit 1 day, suffering the next and it was her choice not to have tment. Then my sister was diagnosed with C. Unacceptable. Treatment offered, given. A week after she was diagnosed, my dad died suddenly. Unacceptable - we weren't prepared, he wasn't sick, it was my sister we were focused on.
3. Then, my ex husband, father of my 3 adult kids, was diagnosed with terminal C. What the ?? My kids are falling apart. He was offered a trial drug, to extend perhaps life expectancy to 30mths - 10% chance. 50/50 of 11mths. Our poor kids. How they're hurting!
4. Back to sister. Treatment completed. All was supposed to be good. Except for new C in pelvic bone, liver and kidney!!
5. Back to ex. Experimental tment - 10 weeks pass before they commence because govt approval was not given until the new tax year. Staff at the hospital required professional devt. 10 weeks may not sound like much but a 10cm tumour in the right lung is now 32.5cm. They don't even check nor treat the cancers within the lymph glands.
6. Today: I've done well. So many family members suffering. Everyone it seems. I gave in yesterday. Took me over 24h to get out of bed just to write this. I don't want to give up. I know what it's like for those left behind. I've been there. My mother's suicide has formed the person I've become. But I'm running out of caring and energy to keep going. I feel as if I' ve got nothing left to give nor the desire to take.
7. My daughter rang 2x within past 24 hours, telling me how she had a panic attack, how she had to leave work early because she just can' t cope. Geez, telling her mum this who has had two days off work as the mere thought of it is totally exhausting. That's why I made the apt with dr 2moro. What do I need? Who knows...pills, counselling, whatever...what do I want? An island where I can hide.
8. The worst is that it's only going to get worse, before the healing can start. That could be months or years or who knows. I don't know whether I can last that long! Or can be bothered to actually.

That's my story. 8 points.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[AGrace]

Hi emdog,

Firstly welcome to Beyondblue, and my sincerest apologies that it has taken so long for you to receive a reply. Sometimes it's the really special cases that sadly get missed, and your's is definitely special.

I wanted to start by saying you are a really brave person. Your mum would be really proud of you. You have been dealt some very unfortunate cards and yet you've been determined so far to keep going. I'm glad that 1. You have come here, your courage and endurance is truly inspiring, and 2. That you made an appointment to see a Dr.

How did the Dr's appointment go? Have you received some guidance regarding yourself? It always amazes me what the human spirit can endure, yet all of us need support at some stage in our lives. As much as your focus has been on caring for your loved ones it's also extremely important that you get some care for you.

Are you also considering having your daughters see a Dr or counsellor? Given that one of your daughters is experiencing panic attacks (understandably) it would probably be a good idea to either see a therapist individually, or even get some grief counselling as a family. I'm not sure which area you live in, but you may also like to see what your local community mental health centre has on offer. Sometimes they run counselling or support groups, which can be helpful.

Again, I apologise for the delay. I do hope we will hear back from you though.

AGrace

[Stuck14]

Hey Endogenous,

Firstly, I want to offer my sincerest condolences for your losses an my heart goes out to you, especially now as I can hear just how much you are hurting an how exhausted you are. I can really hear how much your struggling, an I can sympathise with you an wanting to "give up", an correct me if I'm wrong, but is it life that you want to give up on, or is it this horrible pain an turmoil that you find yourself in (still) that your wanting to give up on? You say have 3 adult kids, an just from your one post, we all can see just how big an kind your heart is an how loving an giving a person you are. They would be lost without you, an they are so unbelievably lucky to have you as their mother. It always seems to be those that always give, that tend to be taken for granted, whether it deliberately or accidental. I know you wouldn't want to miss out on any of the milestones in your now adult children's lives, but I would guess the biggest, becoming a grandmother. You deserve to experience that joy, an you will. 

I'm so glad that you went to see your gp, an really hope that you both have devised a plan for your wellbeing

 I know this will sound almost impossible, but by almost, it's doable. I think you need to be selfish, an not forever, but for a little while. You really need to focus on yourself an care for an nurture you. An that doesn't mean not being there for those you love who are in need, but just not giving them all of you. You haven't had a chance to breathe by the sounds of things, an it would he so beneficial for you to have that space. 

I really hope that this post has been even slightly comforting, atleast in knowing you have people here who want to help an support you as best we can.

[emdog]

Thanks so much for your comments. Yes, I did go and see a doctor and she prescribed some sleeping tablets for me, explaining that in fact the world can seem so much better when rested. She was right with that.

I'm also having some counselling, initially with her then another counsellor. Looking forward to having a 'stranger' to talk to. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in the family is connected to someone who has either died or is gravely ill at the moment, so it doesn't seem right to burden them anymore.

The dr said I was resilient - haha!! Wow, what a strange word to use, when I was feeling so desperate, so weak, exhausted, etc. I've had other issues with one of my sons, who is going thru bad times still. By still, I mean years. After I discovered more not okay things he has done lately, I made the decision that in fact I wasn't helping, that I don't have the energy to do so even if I wanted to, and worse that I was the enabler. So I'm waiting for him to move out of my house. This may seem cruel, as it's his dad who only has a short time to live, but he has actually siphered $ out of my acct which is totally unacceptable. Not the first time, but hopefully the last. Making this decision and letting go of the negative energy has helped.

I still have bad days. My sister has since found out that the chemo isn't working and that she's going on a trial drug. Grrr. After she told me (I live interstate from her) I bawled. For her, for the family & for me. Kept thinking, if I'm being tested by some power, surely I've passed this already? Why keep throwing these curlies at me? I miss my dad terribly. I can't believe that he's been gone for 6mths. I keep seeing his photo and thinking I'll give him a ring - he'll tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself lol! But then I realise that never again is a very long time.

Again, thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to nurture myself in between cuddling everyone else - it will be my time soon I hope for some heavy duty nurturing, & I guess i'll know at the time that it's right.

[geoff]

dear Emdog, well this is so difficult to say much, but I just can't believe all the trauma and all the sadness of what has happened, it's far too much and you must be asking 'why in hell has all of this happened it's not fair', and you have every reason to question any existence of any higher power.

I have been sitting here for over 30 minutes, and I am so pleased that Shay and Amber have replied to you, but maybe I will have to return a bit later on, all I want to say is that I wish you had the company of us to be there with you in this terrible time. Geoff.