I am really sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much distress. I saw your earlier post about relocating for work and cannot imagine how much of an effect this has had on your mental health. It sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot at the moment and feeling very isolated with not a lot of support, which is really tough.
Grief can be incredibly painful and messy. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no time limit. From what you've described, it sounds like you have not been able to express or process your grief. There is nothing that will fill the space in the same way that your Nan did, and there are no words to describe the pain. But acknowledging what you are experiencing and giving yourself the space and time to grieve is an important first step in trying to reduce the intensity of some of what you're feeling. Let yourself cry and let yourself feel and notice what comes up, try not to suppress or avoid those feelings.
It can be useful to talk to others who may understand what you're going through, so you do not feel as isolated in your grief. If you don't feel up to talking about it, that's okay, but it's important that you have someone who can be with you and who you can trust when you're not coping.
If you are open to it, writing can also be a helpful process when things feel really overwhelming - writing can help organise your thoughts a bit more and can help externalise some of the pent up emotion that you are going through. It may help you to process what has happened.
Is there anything or anyone that has helped you in the past when things have felt really difficult?
I am really glad that you have felt able to reach out on these forums. Please feel free to use them as and when you wish. We are here to support you and listen.
Take care.
