FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

August is the Month of Grief for me

Fiatlux
Community Member

August is such an awful month for me, just filled with grief.

 

I lost some of the most wonderful people during the month of August.

 

Last Friday I sat quietly and grieved the loss of a wonderful, beautiful man. It's been 3 years but that pain hasn't subsided nor has he left my thoughts. 

 

Pretty soon the anniversary of the loss of my father will come around, its been 11 years but I wish he was here now.

 

This morning the news of others who have passed, brings it all back.

 

I suppose I just want someone, everyone to know that I am still thinking of them, daily!

8 Replies 8

On The Road
Community Member

Dear Fiatlux,

I'm sorry for your loss, sorry for everything that you've gone through... 

August is indeed the month of grief, the climate, the surroundings remind me of people I know and lost... Still I keep walking around the wintery suburbs, and thinking of them. and wish I could have a walk with them...

I'm not sure what more I can say but I'm here to listen, you are heard. Please share more if you are comfortable.

Take care 

 

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Fiatlux and OTR, I'm so sorry fr=or the triggers that the month of August bring to you. 

 

I'm sorry for the deep grief and loss you feel more acutely in August. 

 

Gosh I used to have this awful, depressive feeling of pure DREAD beginning before Christmas because February was approaching! I knew the month of Feb was THE time... and it wouldn't begin to clear until after Mother's Day in May... horrible. 
It was like 6 months of my year was just horrible. Bam another "date", bam another and another... so many "days" when this happened and the thinking "I should"... this and that. 

 

It was only when I realised this that I could begin to change it and LIVE through these months. 

I forcefully put GOOD things to look forward to during these months. 
This process of realising then working on this took about 10 years, no joke. 
I realised that the people I lost would not want me to be in the depths of depression over them. 

 

These people we loved and lost, also loved us. 
Hugs! 
Love EMxxxx
 

Last night a friend lost her only surviving son to cancer. He was only 35. She lost his twin brother at birth. She is grief stricken. I don’t have words to describe her pain. She too is fighting cancer yet again. 

This month is really taking a toll.

 

 

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Fiatlux,

I'm sorry I didn't see this Discussion earlier. How are you holding up?

This just past August was a tough one for me, too. I dread August coming around again, since 1996, when I had found out the friend of my teenage years had died. Our relationship was so complex, & she ended it after mistakes I'd made. I had never wanted us to split, even after I have come to understand how unbalanced our relationship had been. I love her still.

How I found out was very hurtful as well. My father tald me in a letter dated on my Birthday.

He only said she had died of cancer. That's all I know.

All I could think was that I wasn't there.

It gets really hard some years, but not so much as it had initially.

Other things trigger deep emotions, too, at other times when doing other things,a book or film or music something I associate with her, & it can hurt all over again.

Try as I might, I know now I cannot run away from my feelings; there is no use in trying. It takes a lot of effort & energy to try to avoid the feelings I still know are there.

So that's how I either cope or don't - I am learning to not fight, but accept. I love her & miss her, & there's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes I can read those books, watch the movies, sometimes I can't. Whether I can or not does not mean I love her more or less. I've been told, how much or little I express my grief is no indication to the depth of my grief.

Whatever you do, the advice is to go easy on yourself.

We will get through the tough times.

& just trying something different, I made an effort to consciously enjoy & celebrate my Birthday - even extending it for the whole week! It was so helpful to do this with people here on BB.

I've been distracted by other things on my mind, so her Birthday, this week, was not so hard felt.

That's how it goes - I think that will be an awful day for me, too, but it's not always so.

Big Hugzies, gentle & warm, ❤️ to you, Fiatlux, OTR, EM & Everyone.

mmMekitty

Fiatlux
Community Member

 


My younger sister passed away on August 3rd 2023… 

I received a call from the Ambulance Officer who was in attendance. As my mother was alone and my sister died at her home, he was hoping that I or someone would go to the house to be with my mother. My younger son drove me over. Although my mother lives 10 minutes from me, I haven’t had anything to do with her since my father passed away, again in August 2011. 

It was quite stressful as I had to sit there waiting for Police and Coroner to arrive. I was calm and respectful towards my mother. My son tracked down my brother who also now lives with my mother but was on an overseas holiday.

 

I hadn’t seen or spoken to my sister since Xmas 2011. Her choice to never want contact.

 

 I was sad but I can’t say that I am missing her.

 

As for my mother, as soon as everyone left the house, she started her usual lying narcissistic ways. 

I seriously believe my mother has ice running through her veins. 

I didn’t attend the funeral. That would have been very traumatic and disingenuous. 

Eagle Ray
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Fiatlux,

 

That sounds like a challenging time and I am glad you had your son to drive you over. It sounds like you did all the right things in what was a difficult situation. You have been through such a lot and I feel for you. Families are complicated things and a lot of emotions can come up when someone passes and we are brought into contact with family we may have little or nothing to do with at other times.

 

I hope you are doing ok processing these events. Your mother's behaviour sounds very disturbing and it's a harsh reality coming to terms with these things. My mother's mother was pretty shocking in her behaviour which understandably did a lot of damage to my mother and thus filtered down to me also. It sounds like you've done the right thing having that separation from her for some years now and it is good you protected yourself by not going to the funeral. Self-protection is really important and necessary.

 

Sending you support and take good care,

ER

Hi Eagle Ray,

 

Thank you for reading and replying. I do appreciate your support.

 

I have read your post concerning a narcissistic friend and can relate.

 

My sister who passed away last August was the youngest, only 52.

 

There are so many things that don’t add up surrounding her sudden death and I think my mother is not telling the entire truth. It was 3pm when paramedics called me and when I arrived they took me aside and confirmed that my sister had passed several hours ago so there was nothing they could do.

 

Later that evening I asked my mother if she would like to call other family members to inform them. Mother phoned a friend to let her know that she would not be at Bingo that night. It took her a while to get to the reason why.

 

My son contacted other close family via messenger as my mother hadn’t kept in touch with them. Not even her other children or grandchildren. Had never met them.

 

Then it started… my younger sister had always been a scammer and a thief. She subjected my parents to financial abuse several times and frequently. My sister had borrowed a lot of money from my mother and she was concerned that she wouldn’t be able to pay for a funeral now.

 

I warned my mother after my father had passed away that my little sister was always up to no good. My brother is now left with trying to work out where the money is… My sister took my mother to the bank on several occasions and withdrew and transferred several thousand to an unknown person. My mother never thought to mention these trips to the bank to my brother who is living with them and has Power of Attorney rights. 

 

 

My sister and I had never had a falling out but the one time I called her out on yet another lie, she cut me off. So I was saved from her ongoing b.s.

 

Take care Eagle Ray and enjoy your weekend. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

Eagle Ray
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Fiatlux,

 

That all sounds like a lot of additional stressful stuff and it does sound very much like you don’t have the full story at this stage. In a way it sounds like it’s been good you’ve been apart from all this but also disturbing knowing something seems to have gone on that shouldn’t have.

 

 I had an aunty who’d been estranged from her narcissistic daughter for many years. However, on finding out her mother was developing dementia and probably not going to be around a lot longer, she befriended her mother again while turning her against her son (her brother), securing the inheritance for herself. It is shocking to realise that some people have no moral compass at all. At the end of the day I think they have worse lives, as they waste their life scheming, lying, competing, being jealous etc etc. Life is neither fulfilling nor happy that way. It’s just very sad the harm they do to others along the way.

 

 I’m glad you have been outside your sister’s scheming drama and haven’t had to be dealing with her. I hope you have a good, restful weekend 🙏

 

Take care,

ER