Friend's suicide

[Steinbeck]

My very close friend died just over a year ago. It's her birthday today and it is another reminder of how I have not dealt with this properly. She was such a good friend and I've helped her family to grieve and I kind of forgot about myself. I kind of feel on the outside, she's their sister.

Her husband died from cancer just less than year before she took her life. He was a narcissist and treated her badly but she still found a way to idolise him. I fondly imagined that she would be set free but she couldn't be without him it seems. I tried to give her support but she said that everything was always ok. Then I did have to call an ambulance once when she drank too much and took pills and I wonder if I should have just let her go because she was less in favour of me afterwards. She planned the next time. 

I tried to help her but she didn't want it and I tried to respect her wishes.

What should I have done? Does she know how much I cared?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In these situations your main enemy is guilt because clearly there is nothing you could have done and we as friends or family to others intent on that very sad action are not responsible. You actually did very well in your first save of her and we thank you.

My wife lost her 25yo nephew a few months ago in a similar process. And way back to 1978 my brother did as well and I hadnt seen him for 6 weeks beforehand hence the guilt there also. So please try to accept that we "cant save the world". We are mortal, we are human.

Her relationship with her husband was likely hard to comprehend but the loneliness is something to take into account as he was a big part of her world. There is nothing you could have done for her to full that void.

Anniversaries are hard to go through however, my take on them is that an anniversary is purely where the earth is in its orbit, before months and years were made up man didnt see the difference. So I tend to downplay them and like to mourn or think about the person when they automatically come to mind. Perhaps a rose or rose garden in her honour might help. If you want to read further click on the link below-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/grief-and-loss/coping-with-grief/td-p/269738  

Thankyou for writing in.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

The hardest thing I had to deal with from suicide was feeling left out - before and after. Pretty selfish of me I guess, when I really should have been grieving and accepting the loss as a friend.
But of our close friends, it is hard to recognise how such pain and suffering is kept from us because they can actually be more concerned for our welfare and see this as an unreasonable burden to place on a friendship.
As a true friend, it is hard not to feel a version of what they are going through from our own viewpoint leaving us mystified and confused. Then we start blaming ourselves for not 'seeing' the signs and 'what if we had/had not done...'.
You acted appropriately in calling an ambulance - the hospital would have made its own investigations for evaluating risk; and your intervention, while only delaying the inevitable on this occasion, would have demonstrated how much you cared by at least providing the opportunity to reconsider her final decision.
The irreconcilable in all this is that love does not always demand an outcome either way, but take comfort and solace in being a part of her life and there for her by simply being there.