Hello trixie1
Welcome here. I'm so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you & your family. those 4 months caring for him must have been so difficult, & with all your time spent caring for yourself, your own kids & the grandkids - when could you really prepare, if that is even possible, for losing him? It's no wonder you are filled with so much intense emotion.
Now, you will be wondering, now what? Your life has changed, maybe it seems the world has turned upside down. I think the death of anyone close to us is confronting. While you were nursing, you necessarily needed to keep a professional distance from the people in your care - but since this was your husband. I would not expect you to not be very emotionally involved. I think that's why your training hasn't been much help.
Maybe it's time to lean on others, to seek their support & understanding for a while.
No-one can predict how anyone will grieve, nor for how long. We all grieve in our own way.
I'd suggest, you follow your heart in this. If it feels right to keep some of his things, keep some. If not, don't. If you want to look at photos, or make a collage of them, do that. If you feel a desire to write about your relationship with him, start writing.
I know a woman who lost her husband some years ago, & she still writes to him, talking to him in her writing, poetry & prose or letters to him. In fact she wrote a book, a memoir, which is a lovely tribute to their life together.
Some people make a garden, with a tree, or adding a statue, dedicating it to their loved one.
From the little I know of grief, (nothing like what you are experiencing), I know it does get easier with time. Being patient & caring for yourself is the best advice I can offer.
Hugs
mmMekitty
